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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find my friends refusal to ever compromise incredibly selfish

61 replies

PaulDacresButtPlug · 21/06/2016 20:27

I have a very old friend I went to primary school with and we have kept in touch, on and off, all our lives. He is lovely in lots of ways but has an incredibly stubborn streak.

One thing I am starting to notice (he has two kids, and is married to someone who is great - one is 6 and one is nearly 9) is that he has to call the shots, and cannot possibly compromise in any way.

Eg His wife got given theatre tickets for a well known children's show in the West End but my friend, a former theatre director, refused for them to go because the wife of someone he used to work with (and fell out with) was in it. So, nobody went. There has also been various things that he has said they are not doing (the 'glamping' weekend, that was very child focussed that he said they weren't going to because some people he wasn't keen on, 4 out of a group of 40, were going, lots of other examples but hopefully you get the idea.)

I have been offered (it's connected to my job, I don't want to be too identifying) the potential of a stay in a Disney Resort hotel (one of the apartments so there's room for us all) and tickets for nothing (we would have to buy flights) and can go any time between now and 2017 (it's a PR trip, Im a writer.) We have been discussing how nice it would be to go away somewhere recently (admittedly when pissed) so I called and asked him if they fancied it and he said no. Not because of the money (he and his wife are very comfortable) or time off work or anything else, but because 'I don't like Disney.' So, they are all missing out. Again. I could have texted his wife and him at the same time to ask them, and now wish that I had, but this hasn't worked before - it seems as if he just cannot possibly entertain the idea of doing something that is not his cup of tea, regardless of anyone else and what they might like. (This also meant that he is refusing to come to Florida and join us for other things after (we could go for a fortnight, for example, and just spend a few days at Disney - it's free after all!) and I get the impression his wife won't go without him as she will want to have a family holiday with the four of them.)

He's starting to really wind me up with this and it is influencing my opinion of him. I know it's not really my concern but I can't help but find his behaviour incredibly selfish. (He never used to be like this, and in all other ways he is my same old friend.)

I have no idea what his wife thinks as I don't want to get into a rant about it, which is why I am venting on here instead...

OP posts:
BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 21/06/2016 21:39

I'd message the wife and say "hi, I have the chance of a free trip to Disney, you only need to buy flights, I know your DH isn't keen but would you and the kids be up for it?"

Why should he get to decide that they all don't want to without even discussing it with his wife? He sounds like an arse and he would do my head in tbh.

Me, DH and DCs are well up for Florida though OP Grin.

Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 21/06/2016 21:50

beYourself I just have! And my friend knows me well enough to know exactly why I am doing it!

OP posts:
LillianGish · 21/06/2016 21:52

Is this related to the other Disney thread? Don't understand why you'd want to go on holiday with him for two weeks if he's so annoying. Can totally understand why he might not want to go to Disney.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 21/06/2016 21:55

Ha ha! Be interesting to see her reply. Glad your friend knows what you are doing. He needs to realise he is being a total arse.

Toddlerteaplease · 21/06/2016 22:16

Paul, it's exactly the same thing. He's like that in a lot of ways. But at least he admits he's a self centred and selfish bugger!

Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 21/06/2016 22:22

Lillian its not related to any other threads. He's frustrating the hell out of me with this, but this is one aspect of his personality. The other aspects are far more amenable

OP posts:
Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 21/06/2016 22:23

Toddler my friend has started to describe himself as a 'grumpy old sod' so it's along the same lines I reckon!

OP posts:
whirlygirly · 21/06/2016 22:32

I've got a work friend like this. He's got worse and worse culminating in being a total and utter bore over the Brexit saga. He also moaned like hell over a work jolly we all went on which wasn't his cup of tea but I had to organise.

2 major moans directed at me in a week and I snapped and told him his fortune. We're barely on speaking terms but hopefully it will clear the air.

I also feel very very sorry for the wives.

Quodlibet · 22/06/2016 01:10

I don't understand why there's this expectation that people should automatically be thrilled about an opportunity to go to Disney. I'm another one who would hate it. Just like some people are horrified at the idea of going camping, some of us can see no joy in spending days in highly commercialised theme park queues. He might have a (valid) ideological objection to Disney. I don't really want my kids exposed to a load of Disney hype.

It's also not really a free holiday if you have to pay for flights and spend two weeks of your life somewhere you don't really want to be.

He may well be a miserable git as well, but I can see his point on the Disney issue. It would be a knee jerk 'no' from me too.

PolitelyDisagree · 22/06/2016 01:45

My DH wouldn't want to go to Disney, to go glamping or to go to a theatre production for kids. He isn't grumpy he just doesn't like those things..

... and neither would I and I'm definitely not grumpy.

I also wouldn't like to go away with people I didn't like.

Bogeyface · 22/06/2016 01:50

I don't understand why there's this expectation that people should automatically be thrilled about an opportunity to go to Disney.

And how is that relevant to the OP? What has that got to do with the fact that he unilaterally decides what his wife and children can and cant do without discussing it with any of them?

The fact that it is about a trip to Florida is irrelevant, it could be Tuscany, the Maldives or Antarctica. He does not have the right (and nor do you) to decide for another adult where they can or cant go, or decide for his children without discussing it with their other parent.

Bogeyface · 22/06/2016 01:51

Politely but if there was something that you did want to do and he didnt, would he immediately refuse an invitation on your behalf without even discussing it with you?

EttaJ · 22/06/2016 01:59

Sounds like it's a case of he's ok when you get to know him meaning "'he's a wanker but you get used to it"

How are you even friends with someone so bossy and self absorbed.

RaarSaidTheLion · 22/06/2016 02:01

I wouldn't go to Disney even if you paid me either, and I do think everyone does have a right to stick to their guns sometimes ...but the other stuff like theatre tickets and glamping trip all add up to a bit too much.

Atenco · 22/06/2016 03:26

Maybe it's the sort of thing he knows that he and his wife are on the same page about.

cruikshank · 22/06/2016 03:46

Well yes, quite, Atenco. I mean, presumably they talk to each other sometimes. Personally I would rather rip off my toenails than go to Disney anything. There are plenty of people who think similarly. I would just assume that he and his wife are among that number.

trafalgargal · 22/06/2016 04:07

Amazing the number of people telling the OP they don't want to go to Disney .........you DO understand she has invited her friends and not you.......Don't you ?..

Atenco · 22/06/2016 04:40

Amazing the number of people telling the OP they don't want to go to Disney .........you DO understand she has invited her friends and not you.......Don't you

The thing is that the OP seems to think there is something awful about someone who doesn't want to take their children to Disney, so it is relevant that there are quite a lot of people for whom Disney is not their dream holiday.

Marilynsbigsister · 22/06/2016 05:10

You all seem to be missing the point ! I too would hate Disney but I would be very angry at my DH making a decision on behalf of the whole family without consultation with me.

The OP made it clear that he seems to make these decisions (tickets to theatre given to wife) without any thought to her or the children's wishes. She may have exactly the same opinion re Disney etc but the point is, he didn't ask her. Just made a decision based entirely on what he likes and dislikes. Regardless of what the other family members may enjoy.

Bogeyface · 22/06/2016 08:10

Exactly Marilyn. As I said above, the destination of the holiday is irrelevant. The issue here is his belief that he has the right to make the decision unilaterally, based on his, and only his, preferences. Presumably if it was something he wanted to do he would have accepted just as unilaterally without reference as to whether his wife was ok with it.

I agree with Etta's description too.

Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 22/06/2016 10:18

Marilyn and Bogey you're right. I don't expect everyone to go weak at the knees re Disney, I don't even myself, it's the fact that he wants to call the shots. If his two kids would love to go, and his wife wanted to take them, especially as it's relatively cheap, I bet they still wouldn't go!

Etta he does seem to be getting increasingly wankery with some things, and a lot more bloody minded. He never used to be though, not remotely.

Anyway... I have an update! His wife texted back and said 'thank you so much for the invite, it sounds bloody brilliant! However the chances of getting F (her DH) on the plane too look very slim indeed. He's also keen to go to Serbia this year so I'm not sure if I can talk him round - watch this space and please don't mention it to the kids just in case!'

Hmmm. Some relationships I can't quite get my head around

OP posts:
ProcrastinatingIsMyForte · 22/06/2016 10:33

If the misery guts decides to pass, I'd snap your hand off for a free trip to Disney! Can I come? I come well equipped, with 4dc Grin

I hope the Wife and kids take you up on the offer, and you have a lovely, lovely time! I also hope she gives him a right Royal kick up the arse too, frankly.

justmatureenough2bdad · 22/06/2016 10:36

while i can see from what you say that he appears to be becoming narrow-minded and selfish, why do you feel that you have the right to decide what is better for his family...even going so far as to behave in an actively divisive way...

maybe he said no because they were planning a trip to serbia with just their family and could logistically factor in a disney trip at you convenience. if money isn't the issue, maybe they would go next year. do you really know the ins and outs of their relationship...maybe she makes just as many decisions as he does and they have discussed things enough to be aware of what the other likes and is comfortable with. Just because you see it as a great opportunity for them/their kids, doesn't mean that if they disagree, they are being selfish!

I honestly read your post and wondered whether you are one of the reasons that he doesn't want to go on you much-vaunted group excursions.....

Quodlibet · 22/06/2016 10:50

Bogeyface my point about Disney was also in ref to another thread running where another DH is really unenthusiastic about a Disney trip paid for by a relative.

Of course it isn't on for one half of a couple to make decisions unilaterally on behalf of the whole family, but my point is that there are plenty of people in this world who have an active dislike of theme parks and Disney and that's perfectly fine. No doubt many of them will have already discussed this with their spouses (like i have) and many of their spouses may even share the same tastes.
Ok fine the children might well be thrilled to go, but equally children would be thrilled to do lots of things that aren't in the best interests of themselves/the wider family and I don't think we should, as parents, automatically prostate ourselves at the whims of our children. The idea really gets my goat that you are some kind of terrible killjoy if you deny your children the chance to go on THE HOLIDAY OF A LIFETIME WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE aka spend two weeks being brainwashed by a massive commercial enterprise which propagates dubious representations of women/girls while standing in long queues and eating shitty food .
Parents also have a right to go on a holiday that they are going to enjoy

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 22/06/2016 11:09

So the wife is really keen and the kids would be but misery guts wants to drag them to Serbia. Hmm Sadly I don't think they'll be coming with you OP. She should tell him to jog and on and go to Serbia alone and she is taking her children to Florida where they will have the holiday of a lifetime!