Giving children wine

[UserJuney]

Have name changed for this. Am a longstanding poster, and I need some advice because I'm not sure if I'm massively overreacting, or what to do.

My Mum is almost certainly a high function alcoholic. I don't think she would describe herself in that way, or recognise that she has a problem. She drinks, on average, two or three large rum and cokes following by 1/2-1 bottle of wine a day. She does not hide this, or her excessive cigarette consumption - in fact, she almost goads comment, and is always trying to get others to participate.

My sister is also a big drinker/ smoker/ weed smoker. They enable one another/ egg each other on. They are very close. No-one would ever dare stand up to my mum. My sister had PND, and was very vulnerable, and may not be making great decisions. There are other examples of this.

I also have very different values/approach from them both in most aspects of my life (parenting/work/relationships/politics/interests etc etc).

My sister has four kids. The youngest is nearly four. My mum, and my sister, give her youngest wine. Gulps of wine. If she falls over, or is sad, or just because. It's hard to say how much, but at a family wedding on Saturday, I'd say I saw four or five gulps. They are together a lot, and I suppose I have no reason to think it doesn't happen often (ie - weekly+). I've seen it happen often.

When doing this, my mum will get eye contact if 'spotted' and say "it's fine, he likes it" and "trust me, it's good for him" etc.

So. I'm horrified. My attempts to gently discuss it with my sister and her husband have fallen on deaf ears. I have been absolutely clear that if she gave any of my children alcohol, I would simply stop contact - because it would be about power and challenging me and my approach, as well as being wrong.

On the other hand, it is arguably none of my business. So - AIBU to think it's wrong, and if not, what the hell do I do?

Really happy to be told to wind me neck in and leave it alone if others think it's not a problem.

Would they do this to your child? If your child was in there care?

I'd call social services, wouldn't care about the fall out giving children booze to "make them feel better" I don't even know what to describe that as.

All for kids having a sip at weddings, Christmas and teaching about how to drink alcohol sensibly but for comfort at four? Horrified just horrified

I was brought up to drink wine with meals and was ready to come on here and say that you were being unreasonable but that is really horrible. I am sceptical that having the odd sip of wine will physically damage your niece but the psychological damage of associating a glug of wine with comfort is appalling .

I agree with lala - I come from a family of big wine drinkers and was given wine mixed with water from a fairly young age. (I believe there was a 70's parenting theory about demystifying alcohol to make it less attractive). This behaviour is something entirely disturbing and very different, from a psychological as well as a physical pov.

Thats disgusting and to be fair i would be extremely angry with my sister/mother if they gave my dc, niece and nephews alcohol. Report them to social services, a childs welfare is everyone's business! I wouldn't mind a small sip or licking it off a finger.

This is akin to drugging the children - I've known parents give their children night nurse each night to get them to sleep. It's abusive.

I too thought this thread would be about giving watered down wine with meals from a certain age.

This has shocked me. Wine to comfort a young child?! You need to report to ss. What they are doing is in no way right.

I'm genuinely shocked at this .
You have to report this , if not ss then health visitor or doctor.

When I saw this post I was expecting it to be about a child 'trying' alcohol, as in a tiny sip on special occasions, and probably hating it! My dad did this with me when I was probably 8 or 9+. I was always allowed a small glass of wine with dinner from about age 14 also. To be honest, I think I have a healthy relationship with it now as a result. However.....after reading the post...that's awful. I would report this, and if I felt I could I'd also have a serious talk with mother (I understand that you find this difficult).

Like others, I thought the child was going to be a pre-teen, with (hopefully) responsible adults enjoying a meal ... I strongly feel you need to tackle this OP.

Aside from what the other posters have said - I am utterly shocked that a 4yr old would even enjoy it! Admittedly, I'd tried alcohol myself whilst technically still a child, but had to "train my tastebuds". Why would one so young take comfort in the taste of wine? Unbelievable.

Please report this OP.

Hmm... do nothing and the children could end up severely ill or dead or tell SS and Police and save them?

I can see why it's hard choice.

No-one would ever dare stand up to my mum

Fairly sure SS or the police won't be too concerned about her not talking to them any more.

It's better for the children to be damaged by drinking and learn to use alcohol to deal with issues and for their mum to smoke weed and allow all this than for anyone to stand up to your mother.
Your sister needs to stop this happening or go no contact.
If she won't then you need to report this to social services.

Thanks again all.

I will call SS tmrw for advice and an idea of how it might play out, and use that information plus the evidence of the impact psychologically and physically to have another discussion with my sister and BIL. And if that doesn't work, then I'll report them.

Sigh. I suppose, in the end the power play and drinking was going to come to a head somehow. I hadn't imagined it would be like this.

Are you registered at the same GP surgery as your DSis and her children? Could you phone her dr to explain what's going on?

Your DNiece has older siblings ... were/are they regularly given alcohol too?

Hoping you've managed to gather your thoughts over the course of the evening and are preparing to help this little girl today. All the best

Gosh, I thought this was going to be about a kid having a sip just to see how "yucky" it is. I was allowed that around 4/5 (beer was so yucky). But this is too much. Call SS.

who do you tell?

You tell your mother and sister that this is incredibly stupid and damaging behaviour. If you don't say anything when you see this then you are almost as much to blame. Sorry.

Thanks for your thoughtful intervention mananana. You'll see from my post that I have raised it before with them, and am now seeking advice about whether and how to escalate.

I think it's really bad.

At my wedding two years ago I was drinking a glass of wine and my ten year old newphew asked for a 'grown up drink' so I let him have a sip of wine and even that I was a touch uncomfortable with. I honestly can't imagine letting him gulp after gulp (although I bet he would have done it if I had let him! little bugger!)

Maybe SS would be a good option to go down?

You've definitely done the right thing by making it clear to your mum that you're not going to stand for that with your children though!

I am a SW and i can tell you that this will be taken seriously as where i worked it would be a child protection issue. Call the NSPCC if you want to pass it on without calling SW directly?

1. Social services.
2. Police, as DN is under 5 so this is also a criminal offence.
3. Most importantly, your sister's GP, who definitely needs to have the relevant context in case there are any medical or developmental consequences for DN. Write it all down in a letter explaining who you are and what you have observed. GP is also at a duty to escalate if you are loath to do so yourself for any reason. GP will also be in a position to support DSis, if needed, plus the other children, whose ages may result in less active intervention from SS/police.

This is so sad and I feel angry on behalf of that poor child. OP, you must report it. You don't know how things will play out, and the shit might indeed hit the fan, but you would be doing the morally right thing in standing up for your DNiece.