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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is out of line, him or me?

50 replies

Jasperkiss5 · 19/06/2016 13:45

Last night me, DP and our DD went to visit my family who we only see maybe 3 X a year.

We spent an afternoon at my Dads local, really friendly place. We had a few drinks, not loads. My dad asked me to take a picture of my niece and brother together, on his phone. I did. I then took a picture of my dad immediately after, then moved round the circle to my DP, took a quick snap of him, then my other brother. The barman has joined us before this (we were sat outside and barman was on a break) as he's friendly with my dad as he's a regular, he was dead nice to all of us so after I took the picture of the other 3, I took a shot of the barman, who struck a mean pose for the camera. Just a laugh in my eyes. May sound silly to others, but I was in a silly mood, it was on my dads phone and I was just getting picture happy and just innocently took a picture.

DP was livid with me. Once we went back inside he said wtf are you doing taking pictures of the barman, flirting with him. I explained that it was my dads phone, I was taking pictures of the whole group and got snap happy, No one else thought anything of it. That was the only engagement with this barman I had, bar a quick convo with him and my dad.

Anyway DP wouldn't talk to me or Any of my family for the rest of the evening. He was completely silent and sat on his phone and didn't utter a word apart from when asked by my family is everything ok, then he just grunted. I was fuming and embarrassed because he looked so rude and ignorant. He didn't attempt to put our problems (if you can call them that) even for a few hours.

I have to spend a lot of time with his family (weekly basis) and I'm not their biggest fans, but i would never dream of ignoring them all night especially if it was a rare trip down to see them. My family have been nothing but lovely to him and they adore him and this is how he behaves.

Today we travelled back home and have not spoke. I was due to join his mum and dad for a Father's Day meal but I've decided not to go. My DP and DD have gone alone. I don't see why I should make an effort with his family who aren't the nicest of people anyway, when he treated me and my family like that last night.

Not to mention when I asked him what the he'll is wrong with him his response was 'you're a cunt. How would you feel if I walked up to the fit blonde at the bar and took s picture of her'. Completely not how it went down, but he feels that is a great comparison.

OP posts:

WellDoYaPunk · 19/06/2016 14:34

Oh and bin the Father's Day presents now while he's out, you're not the best father are you if you're calling dd's mother a cute

Pendu · 19/06/2016 14:35

Jeeps

I was gonna wade in and say personally I would be mad (mildy) at my DH if he took a pic of a bar lady but wouldn't expect him to be mad at me (yh I'm a hypocrite ) but he is going waaaaay overboard. I'm a jealousy kinda person but yeh, this is pretty OTT. Is he always like this ?

WellDoYaPunk · 19/06/2016 14:35

cunt not cute even autocorrect doesn't like that word

Kenduskeag · 19/06/2016 14:36

I had an ex once who did the ol' "You were talking to him in a flirty way."

I laughed in his face and dumped him on the spot.

Honestly, it's the reddest of flags. The ultimate initial dick move. It is completely unacceptable. Maybe if you'd been sat in the barman's lap and twiddling his hair a polite comment about appropriate behaviour may not have gone amiss, but this kind of spectacular dickheadishness is designed to keep you in line. Don't look at other men, don't talk to other men, or else.

I doubt he's actually jealous. I think he's just seized the moment to try and lay down what he thinks is 'the rules'.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 19/06/2016 14:39

I don't say this sort of thing often at all, but in this case, I'd have a bag packed me and your DD to go and stay somewhere for a couple of nights at least.

No WAY would anyone get away with speaking to me like that. Whatever his issues are - and it sounds like he has many - I wouldn't want my DC around someone who treated me with such venom and disrespect, lest they grow up to think it's in any way acceptable.

eatyouwithaspoon · 19/06/2016 14:39

I would chuck the presents out and did once when carefully chosen gifts were put aside so rudely once by an ex. But I dont take no shit these days and would have kicked his sorry arse into touch for the behaviour the day before.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 19/06/2016 14:40

have a bag packed me and your DD to go and

…for you and your DD to go...

GarlicSteak · 19/06/2016 14:41

He's acting like an abusive dick. Which rather suggests he is one.

I'd be having a grown-up talk about where he's going to live.

WellDoYaPunk · 19/06/2016 14:43

I doubt he is jealous. I think he's just seized the moment to try to lay down the rules

Nail.head

fryingtoday · 19/06/2016 14:51

Is he trying to isolate you? Ensuring visits with family / friends are embarrassing for you is a classic ....

BerylStreep · 19/06/2016 14:55

You shouldn't have to justify this to him. He has put you on the defensive where there is no cause to be.

I agree with others, he sounds jealous and controlling. How long have you been together? Does he have form for this?

KamMum · 19/06/2016 15:06

Sounds like he has very little respect for you and your family. I think you need to nip this behaivour in the bud as he will only get worse.

iminshock · 19/06/2016 15:08

He's being a twit.

However if he had posted here saying he thought you had a thing going on with the barman he'd be told to trust his instincts

Catnuzzle · 19/06/2016 15:27

He's a dick. He won't change. Do you want DD to grow up thinking this is ok?

TheHobbitMum · 19/06/2016 15:33

Wow total dick move! Huge red flags with this kind of attitude & behaviour. He'd have a bag packed for him for when he came home

PumpkinPies38 · 19/06/2016 15:38

Taking a snap of a barman is such a nothing thing I can't believe he's made it a problem he sounds like a lunatic. Then bullying you and being rude to your family as well, what a treat he is. If it weren't for the fact he has your DD id go out for a day or so. As it is I'd wait for him to get back and settle your DD then ignore him all evening. He's expecting you to feel contrite and beg forgiveness. Fuck that. Tomorrow id take DD and disappear for a day or so to have a think and then decide if I wanted to be in that kind of relationship or not. You'd be on eggshells constantly if you stayed with him.

KoalaDownUnder · 19/06/2016 15:44

How pathetic. You snap a photo of a barman and he sulks for days and calls you a cunt??

Honestly, that is beyond the fucking pale. I would lose all respect.

CaoNiMa · 19/06/2016 15:59

LTB.

fassbendersgirlfriend · 19/06/2016 16:56

Does he have form, OP?

SlowJinn · 19/06/2016 16:57

Have you been together long? Has he always been jealous and insecure? He sounds pathetic and childish. As for the Father's Day gifts, take them to the charity shop tomorrow, and have a long think about whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man.

ClarkeyCat · 19/06/2016 18:24

And he's not just the barman (which would have been fine anyway), it's her dad's friend and she took the picture on her dad's phone!

cupofrooibos · 19/06/2016 18:38

I gave him the present bag and card and he said he's not in the mood to open them.

That's really sad, OP.

pictish · 19/06/2016 18:42

What a huffy, controlling, childish dick. Awful!

DrCoconut · 19/06/2016 18:45

Not one for being alarmist but if this is an isolated incident now it soon won't be. My ex used to accuse me of flirting with (anyone but especially) the corner shopkeeper. All I did was make polite small talk while paying. I ended up terrified of running out of something because there'd be a major sulk if I went to the shop, accused of setting it up so I could go there etc. If I'd refused to go he'd kick off saying it was more or less an admission of guilt because I was trying too hard to prove there was nothing going on. No good can come of this type of behaviour. If you sort it out this time please be watchful for further signs of jealousy or need for control. Does he comment on your appearance, what you do/don't eat etc? If so now is the time to go before it escalates.

Vickyyyy · 19/06/2016 19:02

You did nothing wrong. He has jealousy issues. Is this the first time something like this has happened?

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