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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH, night out and money

22 replies

AnArrowToTheKnee · 18/06/2016 11:55

Pregnancy is making me seriously emotional, so I could just be overreacting, but I'm not sure.

DH goes out almost every Friday to see his friends, while I stay at home with 6yo DS. Last night was a birthday celebration - I would have loved to go, but we couldn't get a babysitter. DH said he'd be home around 1 or 2AM, which is fine, and I went to bed at around midnight. I did text and call him before bed, but he didn't answer. I left the bolts on the door unlocked so he could get in.

So I woke up this morning, he's snoring away beside me. I check my phone and see a text from him at 2.30 this morning saying he has no money for a cab home and he'll make his way home in the morning. I can only imagine that he caught the first bus. The door was left unbolted all night. Nobody could get in without a key, but DS can open the door by himself. This is why we HAVE bolts, he got out and bolted for the main road a few years ago. I don't think he'd do it now, but it still worries me. If I'd known DH would be out all night I would have locked up properly, the only reason I leave it unbolted when he's out is because DS is such a heavy sleeper and won't stir until morning.

So AIBU to be pissed off with DH for not checking he had enough money before he went out, for not answering his phone, and for not letting me know at a decent hour that he wouldn't be home?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 18/06/2016 11:59

What time did you get up? When do you think he got home? Was your son up then?

I think if it's a one off, I'd let it go. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. If he didn't know he didn't have enough money, for whatever reason, he didn't know to tell you he wouldn't be home.

I've been convinced I've had enough before and then not, somehow. It's very rare and always very annoying... At least he took responsibility and made it home without disturbing you, though.

Ingloriousbasterd · 18/06/2016 11:59

No, I think I'd be annoyed aswell... Yanbu x

AbsolutelyIDo · 18/06/2016 11:59

CakeBrew it's a shitty thing for him to have done. I'd be pissed off with him. Hope he is apologetic this morning and that this isn't a regular thing. Sounds quite selfish.

BlackVelvet1 · 18/06/2016 12:04

He made an error but that can happen. However you could possibly use the incident to make him change the lock or add a higher lock with a key so it doesn't happen again. Otherwise you might worry every time he goes out, plus even if DC1 is now more mature, it will be sorted for DC2.

Original poster
AnArrowToTheKnee · 18/06/2016 12:19

I have no idea what time he actually got back, but he was in bed when I woke up around 8 - I can't imagine it was much before that. DS was awake and playing in his room then.

Making it home without disturbing me isn't too difficult - DS and I are both heavy sleepers. That's what scares me most, if DS opened the door before DH got back there's a fair chance I wouldn't have heard it.

Can't change the lock as it's a rented house. Shouldn't really have the bolts either, but those we can get rid of when we move out. I did tell the HA that the locks weren't safe when DS got out, they just told me I should keep a closer eye on my kid Hmm

OP posts:
Blu · 18/06/2016 12:29

YANBU - talk to him calmly about the impact of you going to bed expecting him in.

And it may be worth having another go at the HA -is it a lock that burglar can undo by hooking a wire loop or hook through the letterbox and pulling the handle down?

Outrageous to tell you to keep a closer eye on your child. Is there no deadlock that needs a key, lockable from within but also unlockable with key from the outside? Surely they should provide that!

Fairenuff · 18/06/2016 12:30

Why does he get to go out every Friday whilst you babysit yet he won't babysit on the one Friday that you want to go out? That's the real problem here.

GrumpyMcGrumpFace · 18/06/2016 12:33

He made a mistake - I get the thing with the bolts, but I see that as a culmination of things (i.e. you should be able to put, or have put on, better locks, and it's shitty of the HA not to do that, or let you do that, given what happened). Generally speaking what your DH did wouldn't have such consequences. So I don't feel like he's so very wicked - does that make sense? But I guess he'd be as scared as you at the thought of your DS running out again, that must have been very scary.

I guess the lesson is that if he thinks there's a chance of him not getting back in time, he needs to contact you to let you know to do the bolts. Or if you think it's going to be one of those nights, bolt anyway, and he can ring the bell and get you up?

Or are you really cross that he went out at all when you couldn't both go?

LouBlue1507 · 18/06/2016 12:33

I think YAB a bit U.. Your son is 6 now and old enough to know not to go out the front door. Just let it go and don't let it spoil your weekend x

babynail · 18/06/2016 12:34

Where did he spend the night?

MotherKat · 18/06/2016 12:35

Yanbu.
Also make him download the Uber app.

ohtheholidays · 18/06/2016 12:37

NO YANBU speak to your DH about it when he wakes up.

It sounds like your fed up with him going out all the time and you staying in all the time as well,speak to him about that as well.There's no reason that you shouldn't be able to go out once every other week and vice versa if that's what you want.

OhTheRoses · 18/06/2016 12:39

If he hadn't sent the text, you wouldn't know. Couldn't he have paid for the cab with a credit card? If not, why is he spending money going out every Friday when you and he cd have a bottle of wine at home or take ds to the local harvester type place for a cheap supper for a family treat?

Original poster
AnArrowToTheKnee · 18/06/2016 12:45

He went because it was his friend - we couldn't get someone to watch DS so we could both go, so he went alone. Pre-pregnancy he was always happy to watch DS if I was going out - though if this exact situation were reversed he would hit the roof. Now I don't go out unless it's a birthday or wedding, I just don't have the energy!

Door locks on the inside with just a twiddly thing. You really can't open it from the outside, I checked when we moved in. We're moving in a few weeks anyway, so it doesn't really matter as long as I can lock it at night.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnArrowToTheKnee · 18/06/2016 12:57

No credit cards, had debt trouble before that we've only just paid off. Now we avoid them like the plague!

No idea where he spent the night, probably one of his friends sofas. He might not have even slept, that particular group of friends have no kids and a partying lifestyle, there's a fair chance they're still going!

OP posts:
Starfish28 · 18/06/2016 13:08

I think it was pretty irresponsible not to answer his phone and not to make sure you actually knew he wasn't coming home (especially if your pregnant). If you are happy with him going out every Friday then that's fine. I personally won't be particularly happy with that arrangement.

Oddsocksgalore · 18/06/2016 13:21

I wouldn't let this piss me off at all.

RabbitSaysWoof · 18/06/2016 13:34

I think you may be over reacting a little bit, but your dh was rude to be so late in, when it was an event you would have loved to be at and you had to miss out. This would be what bothered me the most.

Was your son a toddler at the time he let himself out? or does he have some kind of sn?
At 6 I would imaging a child getting up making cereal and amusing themselves downstairs while you are still in bed because they are trustworthy or pottering while you have a shower/ do the gardening without needing bolting in.

Abinob · 18/06/2016 13:39

I think YABU, it was an accident and he did text you to let you know whar was going on so you didn't wake up and worry.
But you are pregnant so YANBU for feeling pissed off, I always felt pissed off at everything when I was pregnant.
Just a little mistake no big problem really

wombthereitis · 18/06/2016 13:42

It seems a bit shit that he's going out every Friday and you were the one who had to stay home Hmm

trafalgargal · 18/06/2016 13:43

I'd be pissed off he didn't have the wit to make sure he had enough money to get home. You are pregnant and there's another child in the house. Suppose he was needed home in an emergency and had no cab fare ? (Oh yeah his brilliant mates could have lent him the money -just not for a cab home as a normal thing?) Sounds more like he didn't want to leave the party -as surely if he was with friends someone would have helped him out with cab fare.

I'd be majorly pissed off with him but not about the door. (if mine had texted me and said they were making a might of it I wouldn't have a problem with that.......lying about it = different matter.

BTW Uber works with debit as well as creditcards.

babyboomersrock · 18/06/2016 13:54

though if this exact situation were reversed he would hit the roof

You mean if you went out and stayed out all night, as he did? Why would he hit the roof?

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