To want to scale it right back

[TheSandyAtom]

DCs are 8, 5, 2. They do a dazzling array of activities. It is constant. Eldest is at prep and has tonnes of homework, most of which I can't see the point of. My youngest is spending her toddlerhood in the car - by the time we've fitted in school runs for 2 separate schools, plus naps and meals, there is so little time left. I feel like we never do anything "nice", as in just hanging out together, going to the park, baking or reading or playing board games. This is not what I imagined at all. The children (my eldest in particular) no longer seem like bonded siblings; often they have only a few minutes of family time together in a day.

I want it to stop. I want to quit all of the after school activities other than swimming and one musical instrument (which DC1 genuinely loves and seems to have a talent for). I want to pull DC1 out of his prep (which I am underwhelmed by anyway, although where he is fairly happy) and send him to the outstanding state primary he used to go to, and where his little sister is (I have spoken to them - they have space). There would be less homework, a later start in the morning, an earlier finish, no Saturday school. The same sports day, holidays, shows, parents evenings. We could walk to school together (it's ten mins from the house). We could go to the park every (dry) day on the way home. I hope he'd feel "mine" again.

I wouldn't be unreasonable, would I? This isn't just what it is like when your children get a little older? Everyone we know seems to have a similarly hectic schedule of activities, but my childhood was a glorious 1980s chasm of free time, a little boredom, lots of playing at home with siblings in a really unfocused way. We were happy. So happy. I feel as if we've somehow joined a small person rat race and it's madness. DH struggles to see past the "get them into a good school" mentality that prevails among our friends, and the pressure to teach small children to play golf, rugby, tennis (surely if they are generally active they'll pick these things up fine a teens if they have an interest?).

Do it. Let them be kids and play!

Stuff the PILs, it's none of their business. Your son would be happy, your DH hasn't said no. Do it!

I think you should drop some activities yes. My son does swimming on a Wednesday, which he loves but I feel is essential anyway. He did martial arts for a year because I thought it was best for him, gain confidence/ different skills. It's stopped now as he doesn't like it anymore. That's fine but there's nothing else he's interested in so won't force him to go anywhere.
Do your son and daughter like their activities or are they more about what is expected? Does it not tire them out with so much on? Does he need golf at 8yrs or is it something he chose? Maybe you could ask them if they want to stop anything and explain your reasons for the possible changes.

Forget the in laws. It's your family, you're the one who has to work and do the ferrying about. Having 2 primary aged children in different schools if the state one is perfectly outstanding and the kids are/were thriving there, is awkward and time consuming as you said.
If your son is happy going back then move him. Save yourself some money and spend it on the family time you will have when you cut back and change schools.

My 8 year old is at a prep school but very different! He's had only a handful of pieces of homework this year (if any? Struggling to remember any), there's no Saturday school at all. The emphasis is on enjoyment and breadth of education rather than focus and pressure. 8 is so little still. We keep activities to a bare minimum, he likes nothing better than being at home and having nothing to do. It does sound like all of your lives are made more stressful and difficult by that school, which does make you wonder what you are paying for, really!

My 3 nieces are on the same merry-go-round as your son. My 2 DC are, at 14 and 12 the same ages as the eldest two nieces. We could, just, have managed the private school thing too but it would've been a real struggle.

In the end, we looked at the state school (four times Ofsted outstanding), talked to parents and pupils about what it was actually like, looked at the GCSE and A'Level results and where the students went post 18. The outcome was surprisingly similar to the private school.

All we want is for our DC to be happy, feel loved and be given the opportunity to achieve the best they can FOR THEM to be able to make the right choice FOR THEM post 18.

We stayed in the state sector. No regrets. And we have far more family time and downtime than my wonderful nieces. My sister spends most of her life juggling the ridiculous range of activities and the idea of them just doing nothing is laughable.

Do what you think is right for your DC and your family. Putting friends and family expectations above that and your instincts will drive you mad!

By the time they get to 15 or 16 they won't remember a word of prep mandarin or how mant tennis lessons they had. They will remember coming home from school & jumping in the paddling pool or walking to school together. I'd say if the primary is good enough send them there & use the money on a family holiday. Memories last a life time!

You're all right, and are really making me feel confident about the decision. The status quo just doesn't work for us as a family, and I don't think the prep works all that well for DS (although he is happy there). Hopefully I can arrange for him to start at the state primary in September (although we'll still be liable for a term of prep fees - but at the moment though this does not even begin to outweigh how much easier life could be in practical terms).

& if the I laws moan invite them over to spend time playing with the children to get to know them

I'd ask your DC about how they'd feel about giving up some of their activities and having more 'home' time. At about 9 or 10 mine made those decisions for themselves anyway. We all realised we were doing too much when one evening DD said that she loved Wednesdays because we didn't have to do anything and DS and I agreed! Such a relief to eat tea without rushing and just chat.

Re your DS's school, it really depends what sort of experience you want for him and where he'll go for secondary. I'm assuming DD will go to the same school for juniors (and DD2). Are you planning on going private for secondary or back into state? If private, he might want to stay where he is so that he is with some friends when he moves up.

We're in a grammar area with lots of preps. The aim of the game here is to get into the grammars. Having compared notes, the prep DC weren't ahead of the state school DC academically when they started secondary and both groups had done sports and musical instruments at school. The key difference seemed to be smaller class sizes and more personal attention - and no disruptive children!

So the result of your husband's schooling is that he doesnt see his own family enough to be involved in making decisions about his childrens' schooling? That worked well then!

I often used to find similar at this time of year, and that was with 2 at same school (different start/finish times) and most extracurricular activities based there. Your plan to retrench sounds sensible especially if youngest is getting so little downtime. Move your eldest before he gets too established.

Do it now. It only gets worse as they get older. Wind down time is important for DC, and stuff what the PIL's think. They made their educational choices for your DH, now it's yours and his turn.

Scale it back. Do it.

I have three DCs and I refused to get caught up in too many EC activities for any of them. They all had one or two things going on at various times but I never made them go to anything and if they didn't love it they dropped it.

It wasn't fair on the youngest to spend his life in the car being carted around when he should be having tea/bath/bed to fetch the other two from various things every night of the week.

And it makes teatime and homework time so fraught, when no-one has had sufficient time to unwind after school and before bed. It's a crazy hamster wheel of 'enrichment' oneupmanship that middle class mothers feel pressured to get onto and it's really not necessary to fill every waking moment of a child's life with something 'useful'.

I think your plan sounds great OP and much more relaxed for all of you. Pick a couple of activities that DS enjoys and bin the rest.

Do it.

I work with children and am increasingly frustrated by this "small person rat race" you describe, which seems to be based on parents need to compete with each other rather than the child's best interests. It simply isn't healthy for children to have every hour of their time micro-managed and planned out for them. They need time to get a bit bored once in a while so that they have to use their imaginations to find ways of entertaining themselves. They also need time to just play, in a completely unstructured way and to relax, especially with how rigourously tested they are at school nowadays.

No wonder we are seeing more primary aged DC with anxiety disorders than ever before. The pressure to 'perform' and to be busy and productive at all times from such a young age is ridiculous. Anyone who genuinely things that a 7 year olds golf lessons are "important for their career" needs to give their head a wobble. What hope is there for adults to achieve a good work/life balance if our primary aged DC aren't even permitted time for fun and relaxation? The world has gone mad.

Trust your instincts, I think they're totally sound here.

You sound like a great parent, step off the merry go round and enjoy those children. IMHE what you do now doesn't make huge difference, if they start doing homework when they are older it's fine, if they find a sport and love it then they catch up really quickly whatever age they start. A bright child with loving, invested parents will shine wherever they are and you can only get A/A* at GCSE so doing a stack of homework now isn't going to get him any further than if he works hard in secondary school!

You'll get time to find out what he's really interested in and do my favourite thing which is sit tight together and investigate, I've learned loads too about things I never knew I needed to! Have fun. You have plenty of time to spend in the car with them when they are teenagers, trust me .

I found myself in exactly your situation op and we took the decision to get off the merry go round. The children moved from private school 90 minutes round trip drive away to the local school within walking distance and we haven't looked back. As the pp said the small person rat race is all about competitive parenting and it doesn't do kids any good. I no longer spend my entire life in the car and the kids have time to just be kids. It worked for us.

I'm with everyone else. Scale it back. They are not little for long. Make the most of it.

Do it.

Do it now before they reach the age when all they'll do at home is sit in silence in separate rooms, their faces illuminated by the light reflected from their electronic devices

Thankfully, private schools never feature in my life - although a friends daughter goes to one. Nothing idealogical against them - but it does sound a whole load of extra stress.

Keeping up with the Jones's is always stressful. Primary schools do not matter with regard to final jobs - surely?

Ask each child to rank their activities from favourite to worst, and bin off the one that they like least.

Thanks all. Good point about them getting older and antisocial! I'm quite excited about the possibilities now 😄.

Definitely do this.

We lead the life you detail you want in your op, and I have to say it's marvelous. Everyone is so happy.

I don't think there is anything better at all for my children than playing together at their ages of 5&7.

I remember dd1 used to be in a gymnastics class. 10 children per teacher, 1 hour class, worked out as 6min per child on the apparatus! Stopped it, she now hangs off trees in the garden with her sister, she's stronger for it.

The real shame of it is all the parents who do this, are only doing it to be able to tell others they do, and the reality is they're making their whole families lives unhappier.