That my DM should have at least text about the cat?

[Junosmum]

I'll start by saying that me and DM don't have the greatest relationship but we are cordial and text around once per week (pics of grandson, general info, arranging meet ups), see each other about once per month/ 6 weeks. Very rarely speak on the phone and certainly not just to chat.

When I was 16 I found a very small kitten (5/6 weeks old) in a deep puddle, close to drowning - we lived in the countryside and it was likely a feral cat which had dumped the runt. I hand reared her and we kept her. I contributed to her up keep financially and physically. She was 'my cat as well as a family pet'.

I went to uni and it was decided by me and mum that cat would remain with her. When I moved out after uni I couldn't find a rental which allowed pets, so again mum kept her - she was happy with this, as was my younger sister. When the cat was 10 yo I bought a house and suggested I take the cat, as though mum was happy looking after her she wasn't especially fond of her/ cats. Mum thought it better the car remain with her - I lived in the city, albeit the suburbs, the cat was happy with mum, mum was happy to keep her. All fine. I asked again, 2 years later before getting my own cats. Again, mum preferred she stay at home. I was fine with this, she was well cared for and my mum had grown fond of her.

Anyway, last week the cat was PTS. This wasn't particularly surprising - the cat had been ill for a little while and medication/ trips to the vet hadn't solved this. She was 16. I was for the best.

I found out via Facebook when sister put an 'RIP cat' type post up.

A week later and mum still hasn't called or text. My mum isn't on Facebook. AIBU that a text or call would have been nice/ appropriate/ polite?

I am so sorry to hear this Junosmum. It was totally unreasonable on your DM's part IMO. I know for a fact that I would have been livid if my DM had done this to me. To not tell you before the event is bad enough but after?! Sorry,that is unforgivable and as for letting you find out in FB,words fail me. And before anyone starts flaming you with 'Its only a cat',to them I would say - please don't underestimate the pain of losing a much loved pet.

It sounds like several years since you actually lived with the cat? Maybe your mum doesn't realise that you still consider it to be a much loved pet?

Yes she was unreasonable but she may have been upset herself/ dreading telling you etc. Maybe give her a call to see how she is.

The cat lived at your mums for 16 years, you only lived with the cat at your mums for maybe 2-3 years before going to uni?

You haven't been seeing the cat anymore than once a month/6 weeks (or less if you meet your mum outside her home).

It's your mums cat. She'll probably mention it the next time you text each other. Don't think she is being unreasonable, but do think you are being very unreasonable and petty when you know she lost her cat a week ago and have still not phoned her to say you are sorry for her loss. Says a lot about your relationship.

Weallhavewings yes, it says a lot about my relationship with her, I only have one to facilitate a relationship between her and my son. She's been bloody awful to me from me being about 13. (kicked me out for being bisexual, refusing to acknowledge my presence for 2 months for not doing the uni course she thought I should do, refusing to allow me to move home to escape an abusive ex as she thought the sun shone out of his arse, calling me a slut and a whore and telling me that I'd never get anyone better than him...there's more but I think you get the picture).

You left the cat with your mum while you pursued your own life - totally normal - you can't be expected to give up your uni education for a cat, but because of this, I think you probably have to give up the claim for the cat to be "your" cat and to expect to be consulted about its wellbeing. Pets are for life, which is why it just isn't practical for a teenager to have a pet of their own.