'Only 5% of the mess is actually mine though'

[EnglishRose1320]

AIBU to be annoyed with oh, will try and keep this short. We are both messy people, not going to deny I am but he denies he is. So since Jan he hasn't had any work and therefore I have had to work extra hours, 5 days one week, then 6 the next. The house is getting so disorganised and untidy and he does very little bar loading the dishwasher and wiping the sides down. He claims that only a small amount of the mess is his. He won't clean up the childrens stuff or even more ideally get them to do it. So AIBU to expect him to do more and if I am not being AIBU how do I discuss this without him quoting percents and making me feel like I am in the wrong.

I have one like that. I'm getting a divorce soon.

so neither of you do anything? seems fair

it should be split 50/50

I assume you don't take the view that 100% of the money is yours? You're running a household together, not as separate individuals who are only responsible for themselves. Money is shared, chores are shared, leisure time is shared. He sounds astonishingly selfish.

That's almost 6 months of eff all contribution to running your household and supporting your family.

Who is doing school run, shopping, cleaning, laundry?

He wouldn't have lasted 6 days in my house.

Oh god I hate that attitude. Dh rarely tidied up after the DCs and only really sees mess in terms of his and then everyone else's

I've had to complain many times to him for him to make an effort for our family. I said to him it feels like we are flat mates - he tidies up his mess only.

Sometimes stuff is left lying around and he won't touch it on the basis it isn't his mess.

Ironically his mum did everything for him and his siblings so no surprise. I'm trying to instil in the DCs that we help each other and tidy after each other as that's a nice thing to do.

Well who does he attribute 95% of the mess to?

You? The kids? It can't actually be true. I'd be getting petty and asking him to prove the 5% but that's probably not the point. I'm assuming the kids are also his responsibility so he should be cleaning their mess. Does he expect you to do it in addition to everything else? Why does he think that he is only responsible for himself whilst you are responsible for everything else?

But nevertheless, what is he contributing to the house? What does he do all day that miraculously makes no mess?

Sounds very petty and small-minded to me.

Why can't he just crack on and get the place tidied up instead of the back chat

Get rid on the basis that he constitutes the remaining 95% of the crap.

But what if he did some womens work and his dick fell off? Then what would you do?

My dh commented recently that there wasn't much to do in our house, it just doesn't get untidy.
I shouted for ten minutes listing all the housework and tidying, washing, folding, putting away and cleaning I had done since I got home. He needed to realise.
I think the problem is standards. He is blind to the mess and would happily live in an untidy home and I can't.

Elsie

How selfish. What does he contribute to the family home if he doesn't work or do any housework? Does he take a fair share of childcare?

It could be that he is one of those people who just don't see what needs doing. In which case what about writing up a proper rota of all the jobs that need doing. And regardless of whether he thinks it needs doing or 'whose' mess it is, it must has to be done. He should be doing the lion's share as you are working.

It also makes me wonder if there are deeper issues here - if he is implying the mess is yours, maybe he struggles not being the earner or something? Does he see the tidying as the woman's job? Feels insecure about being 'demoted' from earner to tidy upper?

Financially he still contributes more in that his redundancy pays the mortgage and the water/gas so my income pays food/fuel/childcare/school trips etc. I do the morning school run and pick up from after school club 3 nights a week, he does 2 after school runs (if we cancel after school club we won't get the spaces back when he starts working so have to pay for it anyway) We alternate who puts ds2 to bed, I put ds1 to bed, I probably cook for the ds's 4/5 nights a week and he does the rest, so child wise it's not too bad it's just the housework really. I try and do as much as I can, I keep on top of things I have to, bins, cats litter tray, clothes washing etc but its the hoovering, dusting and sorting that I could do with him helping out with.
When he is working he is away quite often so I think we are probably both over reacting to the housework as a scape goat for the fact we are stepping on each others toes.
He cooked dinner this evening and I can hear him putting dishes away so maybe he knows he's in the wrong.
Thanks for all your replies

I think Shiver has hit the nail on the head. He probably feels a failure for being out of work and will get very defensive if you hint that he's not pulling his weight.
..doesn't really excuse his behaviour but despite him protesting, some of what you have said may sink in.

Hope things improve.

He should be doing everything housework wise. What is he doing every day whilst you're at work?

You've paid for childcare for six months, for nothing, so that you don't lose their place?? How much longer is that going to go on for?

It isn't about percentages. It's about being kind to the people we love. If someone has time to do hw whilst their partner is woh, then they do it because it's the nice thing to do.

Arethereanyleftatall- yes seems a bit mad I know but oh does have a job offer he is going through security clearing for it, taking much longer than expected and with no family near by and no other childcare options we really can't risk losing the spaces (we know there is a waiting list)

Whilst I am at work in all honesty he is sleeping, more and more each week so def worried he is getting low about the job situation. Equally although it sucks he feels low the house does still need doing and he isn't that low, if I thought he was depressed I would be addressing that first not the housework.

When he does get up he will make a few phone calls to sort out bills/renovation work regarding his mother's house, or he will job hunt in case his security clearance is rejected, or he might do some online surveys to earn a few pounds.

It sounds like a worrying time for you and his current situation is getting him down. I hope he realises he needs to contribute more at home before you start feeling resentful of him. I'm sure things will improve when he's back to work but for now he does need to realise that your roles have shifted, albeit temporarily.

yanbu. he's a lazy arse. In my house the sahp role is to keep the house ticking over while the breadwinner works. He's off work so should be doing the lions share. what does he do all day?

Limon, mostly sleeping, job hunting and sorting out his mum's house. He's at the gym atm, I'm tempted not to do the housework whilst he is put but it does need to be done.