How do people cope with unexpected stuff that no one in RL really understands?

[Cutecat78]

This is a blatent not an AIBU.

OH is forces and was pretty much guaranteed not having to go anywhere until next year but has unexpectedly had to go away with a weeks notice. Basically cancelling our whole summers plans and meaning I now am going on a family holiday without him but with our 5 kids.

I accept this is part of my life but feel shit and am struggling to cope with being in a situation that no one understands - there is nothing anyone can say right now that is going to make me feel better. I wish someone would just listen to me moan and walk without offering a solution or tell me how I should feel.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

ssd it's a combination of things really. Under staffed, under equipped, overtasked, the planners are often civvy and don't need to live with the impact of last minute changes.

Also illness, poor future planning, lack of training, broken aircraft, damaged aircraft, loss of diplomatic clearance, change of plan mid route. War zones change and international conflict changes fast these days.

We are supposed to get July's schedule by mid June, but 1 - it's always late and 2 - it will change substantially anyway.

ssd what nameless said ( presume you are RAF?) and it depends what branch you are in too.

In a shore draft you would not be expecting to go away until you are back on a boat or a ship.

With my OH when he is part of a crew I normally know when he is going roughly but not exact date he is going or coming back.

I accept that and we normally have a few months build up to it but this time was just very unfortunate and unavoidable as they aren't allowed to refuse to go really even if they are getting married/going away/have a baby due.

3littlebadgers you have my deepest sympathies, I'm so sorry for your loss and now the double loss of leaving. I hope organising does help a little.

ssd I can't say what it is my DP does as yes, it is particularly sensitive and top secret. However, as others have said it always seems to be bad management that results in him leaving or going off radar unexpectedly. Or something like one of his colleagues has gone off sick or hurt themselves. Never anything dramatic as a threat to national security - thankfully they're well prepared for that, it's the piddly stuff that seems to throw them.

It's simultaneously heart warming and heart breaking to see so many of us feeling the same. Do you all use the "it's a bit tough but we're getting on with it" line when someone asks how you are? Instead of being honest and screeching "I fucking hate every second right now, I cried in the shower this morning and DC are playing up and when he calls I have to say we're fine because we only get 12 seconds to talk without the signal dropping and I never know when he'll call again. There's a massive spider in the lounge I'm ignoring because I'm too apathetic and scared to get rid of it yet and the oven is making a funny noise and I don't know what to doooooo!"

Nope, just "it's a bit tough but we're getting on with it!"

I think as a society we are terrible at just letting people 'feel' and express their disappointment, sadness etc. we are so desperate for them to feel better we actually stomp over their feelings and stride in with advice rather than face the uncomfortableness of saying 'that's shit, you must feel terrible'
I've been trying to do it with my kids and it's near impossible I always want to add on a 'cheering up' statement afterwards without giving them the space to process first.

My DH works away. When he has to go all of a sudden and I lose my plans it is shit. It has just happened to you and that is shit.

NK yes!!

My OH is always uncontactacle for the whole period - people ask me if I have heard from him and I want to strangle them.

ohnowhatsthis

Yes people need to offer a solution - and there isn't always one.

cutecat spot on, RAF. He's never been away for more than a month in one go but he's currently working pretty much maximum legal hours, minimum legal breaks. All the time. It seems to be very different than the other forces and his branch is quite different to the rest of the RAF. Not the worst role either and others have a much tougher time.

NK that's it exactly! I fear it is terribly dull for everyone else to hear about. I think about my parents who hardly spent a night apart for years, and my ILs where MIL used to pack up and go to her mums if FIL was working lates because she couldn't cope on her own. Things are very different these days; I have to travel internationally for my job too and it makes things extra difficult. (Once, I arrived in Asia and phoned home to find that DH had been called in from leave to work, despite being scheduled off, and had (thankfully!) been able to leave our toddler with our ILs who had recently moved nearby. So our toddler had no parents in the country at all! I was .)

ohnow you are right. I'm terrible at that too but have been making a real effort lately, especially with the kids, just to say "I'm so sorry, that must feel awful/sad/scary" etc. Harder to tell with adults but it makes the kids more relaxed and secure instantly.

When he gets back people say "oh wow that's flown by!"

Have you visited this site?

Rear Party

It is full of Forces other halves. Although their attitude is very much 'give yourself a 24 hour pity party then dust yourself off and stop whinging' so may not be completely helpful in your current situation...but worth having a nosey around?

jelly

No I haven't but will look thanks

That is normally my attitude to be fair (to myself) but it's the pace of this unexpected turn of events that I have found a bit brutal - but forces life is brutal unfortunately.

Cutecat I assume he got a a pierhead jump then? Dh had a shore appointment, followed by another two, both 4 hours away from us, and one that involved foreign travel to exciting places, as it was JFHQ.

I'll never really forgive his work for sending him overseas the day his paternity leave ended (with 12 hours' notice) because they 'didn't want to bother him' before that. At least he was there! Dh was somewhere under the ocean when I popped, and he wasn't told he was a Dad until a couple of days after the event, when they moved heaven, earth and the boat to get him home.

Yes, it's horrid OP when it happens, but I got used to making plans without dh, and factored him in only if I had a cast iron guarantee that he would be home.