50/50 shared care

[Miaculpa]

Shamelessly posting for traffic but also genuinely interested in people's views as to if I am being precious.

H and I are splitting. We have 3 dc's, 5, 3 and 2. H is trying to insist on a 50/50 time split for the kids. Basically week on/ week off plus half the holidays.

I think given their ages a 50/50 split like that would be horribly unsettling for them and far too long away from their primary attachment- me.

Obviously I have skin in the game as I hate the idea of not seeing them for a whole 7 days and I am genuinely trying to be objective.

He has been a relatively uninvolved father but has been better lately now that the kids are leaving what he calls the annoying baby stage. That said he is by no means their emotional goto guy and is only selectively involved in the organisation of their lives.

I would be really interested to know others experience of a 50/50 split. If it works for them and if so, at what age they began it.

I'm a SM. DSD is 13 now and has been subject to 50:50 for almost a decade.

It actually did work very well when she was little (although not in a week on / week off arrangement, they did 5:2:2:5 for a long time, then week on / week off which didn't work and now they do 3:4:4:3) and she was very positive about having "two homes".

It isn't working for her so well as a teen. She now says she doesn't feel like she belongs anywhere. There are other reasons for her to feel like that though. Her DM had another child recently whereas it had previously been just DSD and her DM in that house so I think that's been huge for her. DSD''s on her own too - no full siblings - so it's just her going between the two homes. I think it would much easier for your DC given that there's 3 of them who would all be "in it together' so to speak.

The family court in my area awarded my ex 50/50 when they were 4 & 1, completely against what I believe to be in the DC's best interests. In the week he offloads them onto his mum and nearly sees them

Barely

I agree forthelove why are these decisions being made by people who have no understanding of child development, particularly in the early years

Lala the plan is that come sept when ds starts nursery the days will shift forward a day so I will always have a sunday and sat will be then alternated am/pm drop off he wont be at nursery on a friday so ex gets that full day, He was a stay at home dad when we where married and I worked around 70 hour weeks ( he did around 16 hours paid work) so son has a good bond with him so it just feels cruel to then drop the amount of contact.
We are amicable tho which I think is key, there's no blurred lines things are black and white. Mammy and daddy chat at the door in front of him so he knows we communicate but at the same time our chats are factual no small talk and we don't enter each others houses bit we laugh smile and there's never negative vibes. We also communicate well if we need to swop days or if one of us wants to book a holiday.
Christmas is also pre agreed so there's never no arguments or huffing over it. I have the run up to xmas until 2pm xmas day and then ex has 2pm xmas until roughly new year depending on plans we both have .
I love Xmas and he hated it so for us it was a no brainer and im greatful that I know I always have xmas morning with the kids waking up together.
His birthday we just stick to our usual routine and ds has two birthdays.
Its not easy it took a little bit to get used to in the beginning but for us its been worth it. I couldn't do a week alternating tho, to far apart mainly between ds and dd - that's the one bond which sometimes struggles although it's starting to improve now.

You are spot on OP.
I really don't know what the answer is though :( It's so hard.

Ime (not personal) shared care works where the father was already an equal parent before the split and the child essentially has two primary carers. There are families like that. But that is not what you are describing here.

I have shared care with my ex. I wouldnt if it wasnt for the fact that hes a controlling arse and he took me to court, who said that it was something we should do. Originally, I had ds (5) 3 nights one week and 4 the next, but then after viewing schools we opted to put ds in one which was a lot nearer ex than me, (much better schools near him) so now ds is with him 4 nights one week, 5 the next, although I see ds almost every day as I pick him up from school. Its bloody hard. I have terrible guilt when hes not with me, and if he could choose he'd live with me full time. It does have its postives as well - ds gets to spend a lot of time with all his family on both sides, he's social and adaptable and he knows where he is going every day, but its not ideal. I would opt for EOW and some school pick ups.