(Long OP!) Will I ever grow out of feeling of sibling rivalry?

[TallulahTheTiger]

This sounds like such a childish whinge and know is pretty low down scale of feeling rubbish due to family but I can feel the teenage me wailing 'it's not faaaaiirr!! I knew she was your favourite!'
Background DS has 2 DC, 3 & 7- just after their births DM has taken time off work to go there and spend a week with the newborn, at DS and BIL agreeance, all happy with this. She is about a 2hr drive away we are 1hr from DM/DF. DM has now retired and goes up about every 2 months for a long weekend to babysit as their nanny does not work weekends to let DS/BIL go to away- have absolutely no issues with this- her time is her time and i rightly have no say in this. My whiny gripe comes in as the 2nd thing she said to me after we announced my pregnancy (after congratulations!) was 'don't think we'll always be on hand to babysit as you live closest' and then told us last month shes booked a 2 week holiday abroad either side of my due date. Again this is her holiday, her time, but she then alson announced she would be going to DS to baby sit when back while DS/BIL go on hols as nanny is going home for a week at same time. Having said that her new GC could be a month old before she sees them her solution is that we then travel the 3 hrs to bring them to her at DS home. I think when I look at it from an unemotional point of view I know I can never make someone choose to be interested but it just brings up so much teenage angst of unfairness! (even just typing this has helped release some tension!)

[TallulahTheTiger]

If I spoke to DSis shed prob go right back to DM with faux upset and I'd be the baddie as usual for upsetting them both! I was worst person for not having DS and her kids in wedding party, despite me not being in hers previously! (See I'm just 'silly' for that and Grandma was all prepared to walk down the aisle with them,-how kind! so that was an upset!)

[CodyKing]

If I spoke to DSis shed prob go right back to DM with faux upset and I'd be the baddie as usual

What do you have to lose?

[EveryoneElsie]

OP, I feel for you. Try to disconnect from her, she wont be there for you. Its the choice she has made.
Make your own family and look forwards to the future.

[ricketytickety]

Thing is , it's not so good for the golden child either because if they don't allow dm to have control in their life they can quickly fall off the pedalstal.

[heavenlypink]

I'll be honest OP if your DM is anything like mine it won't ever change. Dsis three years older than me, I didn't feel 'second class' as a young child but by teenage years I knew she was the Golden Child. Fast forward many years I had my DS first (way before Dsis had her child) my DM didn't work but rarely called over to see me, my Dsis had her child and she would go over at least once a week. Having grandchildren over night - mine very rarely Dsis at least monthly. There is a back story (which I won't post so I don't derail your thread) but it does all make perfect sense, and over the last few years I've pulled back from her. Even now she phones maybe once a fortnight, I haven't seen them for almost two months and no effort has been made to come and see me. My DS is a young man now, although he does have a learning disability and I could still do with their support, and you can't get back that time.

[Justnapping]

Poor you. This would really upset me too. But I don't know what the solution is. As it sounds like even if you call her out on it your DM will use this against you. Reducing contact may be the only option.

[TallulahTheTiger]

Argh! Is anyone good with face -stalk- book? -D- M is on one of her trips and her feed is full of pics of her and DNs and how it means so much to be with them and how important family is to her, forcing self not to write something passive agressive (as am a grown up..) but sick of seeing this! Can someone tell me how you do that thing where you remain 'friends' but don't see everything they do?

[TallulahTheTiger]

Strike through fail there!

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

I often feel the same. I have 4 dc and gave up work as my mum was quite clear she would not be continuing with the day time childcare on such a regular basis when the twins arrived. Yet she still had/ has my sister's younger two after school most days and was picking the youngest up after a half day at nursery until she started school.

My sister is now pregnant again and I've been blunt enough to ask mum who is going to be looking after this baby while sister is at work. Mum is adamant she won't be. But hasn't told my sister she needs full time childcare yet... Mum is also not happy she's pregnant but that's a whole other story.

[pillowaddict]

You can click on the post top right hand corner and it gives an option to un follow so you don't get things popping up on your news feed. I couldn't hold my tongue with that though!

[G5000]

No it won't really go away and it's particularly hard to see if your children are also second class grandkids and your parents are too busy to spend time with them - because they are already occupied with Golden Grandkids.

A good example was a friend of mine - asked her mum over for the weekend to see the grandkids, she didn't have time. But suddenly found the time when she heard friend's brother and his kids were also visiting..

I know some people said to say nothing. But in my case it did actually help to point out the clear facts about the unfair treatment, something they really could not argue with. It's a bit better now.

[Janecc]

G5000. Mother is like that but more with me than dgs thank goodness. But she does put my brother before my daughter.

We were NC with brother and SIL because their dog bit DD at 15 months on the face just above her eye and it was a real shenanigan and left a small scar. Brother took no responsibility. Sil agreed to see a dog trainer and never did and it all ended up with them both screaming at me over the phone. Mother was awful told me we were being very unreasonable - mother always nasty nasty to me anyway. We invited mother and stepfather for Xmas. And they agreed. About a month later, they were invited to brothers house (no children at the time) and mother and stepfather went to them instead for Xmas and travelled to us Boxing Day. Wouldn't let that one happen again - really it should have been come when agreed or eff off. We are speaking brother and SIL again being adults and all that. But I hate the worry coming up to Xmas because I hate having the anticipation of family antics and having mother over when it should be such a joyful time. Her presence really brings things down unfortunately.

[G5000]

Wow how rude Janecc - so how did they ever justify cancelling the plans because a better offer came up`?

[Janecc]

Just told me that was happening. Mother has no boundaries. She's a narcissist. I would say probably NPD. So why would SHE need to explain herself to me? She's my elder and better according to her and I'm just rude and horrible.

[MrsJorahMormont]

YANBU OP. These things always smart but tbh I think grandparents like this get their comeuppance in the end. When your DM starts looking for care, be sure and point her towards your sister

[MunchCrunch01]

yanbu - my advice is to have low expectations, and don't compare. All of our illustrious non-runners in the gp race have done a grand total of 0 in the 5 years we've had DC, including refusing to look after dc1 when we were having dc2. You'll only cause yourself pain if you think about this further - build a network of mutually rewarding family, friends and paid babysitters so that you do have supportive help.

[BlueLeopard]

My DM has never babysat my child in 4 years. She's never offered, and I've only ever asked her three times when I was badly stuck and she still wouldn't babysit. So I will not be asking her again even if it means that we never get to go anywhere as a couple. The last time we went out on a date was August 2013. And he's a good kid, polite, mannerly, fully toilet trained, and well able to play away on his own.

She goes for months at a time to my DS and minds her DC's, and also would drop everything and drive 5 hrs to drive to other DS and mind her babies for her if she has no babysitters for a routine night out. She's minded my DB's children from when they were small and they are teens now and she'll still volunteer to look after them. DSIS suggests that she's just nervous of minding toddlers or having them but her ones are smaller than my DS and she looks after them fine. It's just my DS it seems.

I wont lie, it hurts. It hurts me a lot that she always offers to help out my siblings with their children but never me. And because of that, I've drawn back a bit from her. I've no advice really - except when I realised that she wasn't bothered with my DS then I vowed never to be in a situation where I'd have to ask her to look after him.

[Lymmmummy]

Can understand why you might be hurt but could be a number of innocent ish explications

Perhaps she doesn't want to set an expectation of anytime/demand led babysitting from the minute of the birth given you can pop in living closer -and is a bit frightened of it getting out of control
Perhaps she doesn't want to give impression she will do unlimited babysitting just because you are close by because she also has her other grandchildren to consider who she has already established a bond and pattern of expectation with

Or perhaps it's a sign that she simply values your sister over you - which is hurtful but will be difficult to change. Be interesting to know what your sisters role in this is - is she totally innocent in it all - is she perhaps very demanding therefore feeling a higher sense of entitlement or need for DM help?

my MIL does definitely believe the whole world revolves around her daughter my SIL and it very aggressive about trying to be demanding everyone accommodate SIL even though SIL would never go to slightest effort to accommodate others- it took several years before she realised this was not going to continue to happen as far as I was concerned. MIL still thinks my SIL is the centre of the universe but she has realised that I am no longer of the same opinion so doesn't even attempt to try it on with me or DH.

[fuzzywuzzy]

My DM prefers my sister to me always has. And prefers me DN's to my DC. My other siblings follow suit.

The end for me was two years ago when my entire family said during a festival (Xmas equivalent for us), that we wouldn't be doing presents this year. I always go all out and enjoy getting gifts and decorating house and baking special cakes etc for the occasion.
But was told not to that year. So I didn't.

My DC told me that my DN's had received gifts from everyone, DC are not grabby at all, & at the time I was on very limited income as I was getting divorced and going thro awful awful childrens hearing to protect my two from abusive ex.
But this meant my DC were used to not having lots of things and have never complained, eldest never even asks for anything other than practical things she needs (even now).

But that was the final straw for me, I did not expect my family to get my DC elaborate gifts, was used to them gifting dn's brats dolls and DS games etc, I was deeply hurt however that they could give one set of DC gifts and completely leave out mine not even gift them a set of pound shop pens between them.

I've been no contact with them since.

They've been nasty to me all my life but they do not have permission to mistreat my DC.

I understand they're pissed off with me over it. But I really don't care.

DM did attempt to invite me to festival celebrations the following year, I declined. DC didn't want to go and neither did I.

I actually don't like my mother and don't love her at all. She was really nasty to me growing up. And hates that I'm close and loving with my DC. She appears to hate that we love eachother. She's a strange woman.

[Janecc]

fuzzy I agree. That would be where I draw the line. What an awful woman. Thus far my mother has treated both gcs the same (I think). Brothers child and mine. She did say some awful things about my DD just befor Xmas including how she said some unkind stuff about my 46 yr old brother - DD is 7 and what she said was in no means malicious. Mother was given short shrift and strict instructions to be on her best behaviour from now on. I did have a 2 month period of nc just after that because she was shit again shortly after this time about me and this time how awful I was to her golden child son. Now I'm low contact. I don't know long term what will happen. She's bullies me terribly and as I'm chronically ill I can't always put her in her place. It's not good for my mental health.