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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be embarrassed to go shopping with boyfriend

64 replies

TooFatTooShop · 12/06/2016 11:12

I'm slightly fat (just edged into 'overweight on NHS BMI chart). My boyfriend is convinced he wants to take me dress shopping because I love dresses. A nice gesture I know, but the thought of trying on dresses with him around makes me feel sick to my stomach. I'm not obese by any stretch of the imagination but I know his exes were stick thin (like, size 6).

How on earth do I tell him I don't want to go dress shopping with him, without sounding like a bitch?

How do I word this without him digging deeper?

He found a lovely dress that would really suit me and it's really nice BUT the discomfort involved in trying it on in the shop with him around outweighs the pleasure I'd get from the lovely dress.

OP posts:
trafalgargal · 12/06/2016 11:59

Most blokes wouldn't even know the significance of an Evans label.

He knows you aren't a stick insect if he has seen you naked. However if you don't want him seeing you pick up a bigger size dress off the rails -pop into the shop and get them to put the dress in your size on hold in your name then you can pick it up and take it straight to the changing room without him seeing you looking for the correct size.

However hopefully in time you can accept he is with you because he is far more interested in you as a person and size isn't an issue. He's not one of those shallow blokes who couldn't possibly date a woman who wasn't model size. He'd probably be quite offended to know you thought he was one of those blokes and you have such a low opinion of him.

AyeAmarok · 12/06/2016 11:59

I think it would be a good thing for your confidence for you to go shopping with him, pick up the size 14/16 or whatever dress and have him... not react at all. First time might be scary but then you'll realise it's a nothing.

Because he won't care. Men generally don't give a shit about the label on women's clothes. So long as he thinks you look good, which he obviously does or he wouldn't be with you.

BubsAndMoo · 12/06/2016 12:02

I'm with crunchymum on this, why on earth is he so obsessed with taking you dress shopping and dressing you in a particular dress he likes? That sounds really weird to me. Fair enough it's nice to treat someone you like to something they enjoy, but if you're clearly saying you don't want to then harping on about it is a bit off.

It does come across that you have body confidence issues, fair enough, lots of us do. But you should be able to share that openly with a partner and feel supported in it not judged. The other weekend I had to go emergency swimwear shopping with my DP (staying in a hotel, hadn't realised beforehand it had a pool). The selection was somewhat limited for anyone past puberty- ended up buying men's boardshorts and a rashie to wear over a normal bra- but not before the hilarity of trying to get a off-the-high street-shelf bikini top that was vaguely supportive- I'm a 32FF size 12-14, hardly specialist you'd think but the bikinis in H&M etc were just comical, no idea who they were designed for. Anyway, my point is, I shared that with DP and found he supported me in seeing how stupid the shops sizing was rather than coming out feeling fat and horrible, our partners see us naked, they presumably like doing things with us naked. So why are do you feel embarrassed or ashamed? Does that come from you comparing yourself, or someone else comparing you?

Anyway, if you don't want to go, then you just say "thanks, but no I really don't fancy it, I prefer shopping by myself". If he keeps badgering you then it really is a bit odd.

Oldraver · 12/06/2016 12:08

Why is he so obsessed with this dress and 'taking you dress shopping' ?

I was thinking the same....this would be the thing that I would feel uncomfortable with. Though probably as the only two boyfriends I've had that insisted very early on to take me shopping turned out to be twats.

OH would run a mile rather than go dress shopping

topcat2014 · 12/06/2016 12:11

Are you cutting the labels out of the dresses as well? After all, I can see the labels in DW dresses when I put them in the wash or hang them up.

TBH they don't even register, and I couldn't tell you what size they are.

topcat2014 · 12/06/2016 12:12

We each do our own shopping in peace - I am dressed head to to in Aldi, apart from shoes, right now - so probably not the best to ask for any fashion advice.

Whocansay · 12/06/2016 12:18

Is he pressuring you to lose weight? I'm not sure what relevance it is that his exes were skinny. He's going out with you. He is aware that you are not like that.

My fella would rather sick pins in his eyes than go clothes shopping with me and I would hate him coming with me so I find this a bit odd to be honest.

LadyReuleaux · 12/06/2016 12:30

I don't know, if he's "harping on" about a dress that would suit OP, wanting to go dress shopping with her etc., I'd find that a bit overbearing myself.

I like to go shopping on my own so I'd just tell him that. You could tell him you'll go and try it on, get it if you love it and show it off to him when you get back. You don't have to go dress shopping with him when it's what he wants and you don't.

BombadierFritz · 12/06/2016 12:32

Hmmm i'd be wary of a control issue developing. Funny how we see things differently.

Yellowbird54321 · 12/06/2016 12:35

Sorry but I do think it's odd that he's 'finding' clothes for you - it feels like controlling behaviour to me.

cdtaylornats · 12/06/2016 12:42

Go, most men only need to go shopping once. I went shopping with an ex - once. A three hour walk around Edinburgh until we arrived back at the first shop to buy the dress she saw first time around.

HiddenMeaning · 12/06/2016 12:46

Agghh, poor bloke, he has probably picked up the fact that the OP is a bit sensitive about being overweight and come up with a plan so that he can show her that he thinks she is lovely. It's pretty impressive that he has chosen a dress that the OP say she likes and would suit her.

I'm a bit Confused at all the comments saying its a weird and suspect thing to do.

Having said that, I think it's perfectly ok for the OP to say thanks but no thanks to the shopping trip.

HiddenMeaning · 12/06/2016 12:48

Lots of women 'dress' their partners. Is that seen as controlling too?Confused

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 12/06/2016 12:48

But he's not with his size 6 ex girlfriends, is he.
He's with you. If he didn't like you. He wouldn't be with you.

FurryLittleTwerp · 12/06/2016 12:50

Sit him outside the changing room & take in a selection of sizes. Come out & twirl in the one that fits he doesn't need to know the size if you're worried about it

FurryLittleTwerp · 12/06/2016 12:51

I wondered about control but he sounds nice - I'd worry more if this became a pattern whereby he insisted on supervising what was bought / worn.

WorraLiberty · 12/06/2016 12:54

I hate going clothes shopping with anyone and always have.

Nothing to do with my size, I just always feel like I should hurry up and choose because they're probably secretly bored.

If he shows you a dress he wants to buy you, he can just give you the money and let you get on with it Grin

SheHasAWildHeart · 12/06/2016 13:04

Anti-wrinkle cream

Wolpertinger · 12/06/2016 13:04

He's going out with you. Not the skinny exes. If he wanted skinny, he could get skinny.

As long as he's nice, and not treating you like a doll to dress up, he sounds lovely.

You shouldn't have to shop in secret.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 12/06/2016 13:07

Just tell him, "Thank you, but I really prefer to go clothes shopping on my own." What if the aforementioned dress doesn't come in your size or doesn't look good on you anyway? I think we lone shoppers know if something is right for us and don't need others' opinions to reinforce our own ideas.
I loathe clothes shopping and avoid it except when it's necessary and I certainly don't need a bored partner with me.

If he's really stuck on this dress couldn't he buy it for you with a gift receipt, then you could return/exchange it if it's not as lovely as he thought?

grumpysquash3 · 12/06/2016 13:22

In his eyes you are sexy and beautiful. In your eyes you are fat.
He is probably right :)
Bite the bullet and go shopping. He won't see you changing into the dresses, only when they're on. Take some appropriate shoes/sandals to try on with the dresses.

Remember people only see what you show them. If you show your lack of body confidence, he will see it. Otherwise he will not.

Enjoy!

MeMySonAndl · 12/06/2016 13:25

Nah, it is a bit controlling. The important thing is that you like the dress and feel comfortable with it. It is not for him to participate in the decision of what you are to wear.

EnidButton · 12/06/2016 13:30

Though probably as the only two boyfriends I've had that insisted very early on to take me shopping turned out to be twats.

I think we went out with the same twats. A man going on about what they think would suit you and insisting on buying their choice of clothes for you under the guise of doing something nice for you would be a red flag for me. Maybe not a huge bright red flag but a medium sized faded one, enough for my spidey senses to go off. The insistence just seems odd.

EnidButton · 12/06/2016 13:31

Also I like the wearing dresses but the whole man taking a woman 'dress shopping' thing feels like it's 1955.

BubsAndMoo · 12/06/2016 13:46

Hidden lots of women 'dress' their partners yeah, my take on that is that it's controlling too - it seems like a parental-child thing to do, rather than something you do to an equal. My mum drrsses my dad (as in buys a lot of his clothes) because left to his own devices he wouldnt dress to her standards most of the time, at least that's what she believes. The fact that he's happy to let her do that doesn't mean it's not controlling.

Sidetracking from OP massively now though.