Crushed by infertility

[Bethany22]

I'm 21 and due to start uni, I have multiple health conditions. I have a degenerative spinal condition which means I will not be able to carry a child if I leave it much longer, I also have a autoimmune disorder that increases my risk of cancer, I've been advised to have hysterectomy as a result. I've always known it would be difficult for me to have a baby and it's never really bothered me I've always wanted to adopt hard to place sibling groups and older children with additional needs, I've been looking into it for awhile so when I get my own place I can start the process immediately, but since I've been told that the window for me to have a child is so small all I can think about is babies, I want to experience pregnancy and feel that mother baby bond. I'm single and seriously considering having a one night stand so I can have a baby. I have no job I'm moving for uni and will have no support but I can't think of anything worse than not having a child. I'm aware I have no way to give a baby the type of upbringing and life they deserve if I have a baby now but I feel like I'm being crushed, my family are no help as I've always said I wanted to adopt and had no intention to have a child but I'm 21 I have always known that it was unlikely I'd have a baby but knowing doesn't help, it may not be a surprise for me to find out but prior to this appointment I've been thinking about how nice it will be to start a family, I'd almost forgotten or like I hadn't realised how bad the problem was and I need someone to tell me that it's ok and remind me why having a one night stand is a bad idea. And to tell me if im unreasonable for wanting support.

Didn't want to leave your message unanswered.

You sound like you're having a really tough time

I think it's completely understandable to be reeling from the news and want support from your family. Can you talk to them again and explain how you feel like you've done here?

If they're advising a hysterectomy are you under the care of a gynecologist? If so they can usually refer you for 'fertility' counseling (i.e. A counselor who specializes in the practical and emotional aspects of infertility). Even without a womb you have options in the future (surrogacy etc?)

Anyway, without trying to sound patronizing you are 21, you have many years to explore your options..... I think intentionally engaging on a plan to get pregnant with a ONS while you are facing multiple serious health conditions, would have no partner to support you, no where to live, no job, no family support and be trying to do higher education at the same time is lunacy!! How do you genuinely think this will actually work?
Babies need more than just love. Yes they don't need lots of 'stuff' (toys, expensive Prams etc) but they need somewhere to live and money for heating/food/nappies etc.....

Not to mention how unfair it would be to the child to intentionally 'make' their father a ONS and probably absent parent.

I understand that thinking you're ok with something but then actually having to face the stark reality is a massive shock. I understand the pain of fertility issues.

But this is a terrible idea. Knee jerk and - gosh I'm going to sound like a heartless cow - but quite selfish and irresponsible.

I would really recommend seeking some real life support. Can you talk to your family again? Do you have specialist nurse support? Autoimmune specialist nurses will be used to helping women with fertility problems.

Hey, it sounds like a really tough set of circumstances. Sending lots of sympathy your way, and full of admiration for you moving away to Uni with all that going on!

Practically speaking, I agree with PP. It sounds like maybe you already know it wouldn't be the best idea to try to conceive via a ONS. I also can identify with the pain of believing you'll not ever carry a child, and it's heartbreaking, but the answer can't be to have a child at any cost.

It's great that you're interested in adoption, again something I have experience in, but you definitely would not be approved to adopt a child, let alone a child with additional needs or a sibling group, if you genuinely have no support system. So I'd agree again that pursuing some RL support is a really important start.

It sounds like you need to talk this through with someone.

Sorry pressed the button too soon. They are specialists in this area who can help. So sorry you are struggling.

Your right that it's a knee jerk reaction and I completely agree that it's a selfish and irresponsible decision, it had honestly never crossed my mind to speak to my doctor, I normally go with my mum and she tends to talk me down, she told my doctor that I was fine and didn't need any support as having a baby wasn't my plan, when I've spoke to her she says she knows what I'm going though because she had three miscarriages but she's also had four healthy children not including myself and while I know having a miscarriage is devastating it's a different type of pain. When you have a miscarriage you can grieve for the child you have lost while I feel like I'm being ridiculous because it's like I'm grieving for children I've never had.I know I'm unprepared to care for a child in the way I want to, I'm going to university to better my life and to ensure I can provide for a family when I have one and I needed someone to tell me this, I'm not very good at listening to my own advice and I can be impulsive especially when I'm upset, it just bothers me that to my mam this isn't a problem because i hadn't considered having a baby before now but I'm 21, I've been in college for five years to get the grades to get into uni so I can make something of myself so it hasn't been a priority but it hurts so much knowing that I no longer have a choice, I love kids that's why I've always wanted to adopt but I had been thinking it would be nice to have a biological child as well, I think I've always said I'm fine with not having a baby because I had the option even if it meant I'd need IVF but I'd never considered that choice being taken away, thank you for talking some sense and letting me explain without dismissing how I feel. I don't think you sounded heartless, you validated my feelings and pointed out what I hadn't considered. I hadn't considered what the person I'd had a ONS with would feel like if/when they'd find out or how I'd explain it to a child, sometimes the truth is hard the hear but it's often what we need when we're upset.

The plan was university, postgrad degree, job, house then adoption. That way I'd be financially stable and able to parent, but being told I'll never be able to carry a child makes me feel like I've been hit by a bus, I'm in contact with disability services at university and there arranging counselling for me with MIND as well as weekly meetings with there support team but I think since there's awhile till I start I may hide myself away for awhile until I've processed the news and decided how I'm going to deal with it, I just feel like I need to talk to someone as there's no one I can talk to at home.

Don't have a one night stand. Aside from potentially diminishing your self-esteem, you could catch infections. There is also no guarantee of success.

Don't despair, either. There are many ways to begin a family, once you're ready. Adoption might be viable, but surrogacy, perhaps with your own saved eggs, is also possible. With greater awareness of disability, and same-sex parents etc, the options have never been wider.

Be wary of comparing miscarriage and infertility grief.

Don't have a ONS. If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel if someone was essentially duping you into fathering a child?

As others have said, there are plenty of options for you and you do need to talk this through with someone.

Your mum sounds like she's dismissing your feelings, I would definite not go to the Gp with her ever again, you are an adult you can go in on your own and then you can speak honestly.

I can offer no advice as you are in such a difficult position, but I will say I was a single parent at 29, I had my degree already and no health issues and it was the single most isolating time of my life, very very hard.

I hope you can get some good advice from the Gp or from your gynaecologist

a one night stand is not a good idea at all. Definitely speak to the gynecologist/ you gp about being referred to a fertility councillor. I can't imagine how heartbreaking this must be for you, but there will be options available. They may not be what you hoped for but you will get there. You could do with professional and family help rewriting your long term plan. It will be difficult letting go of your old one, but hopefully if you are working in a new one that will help focus your mind on a positive future. Good luck.

I think it's not surprising you feel crushed. Infertility is overwhelming for most women. You were only a child when you were thinking adoption would be enough for you and now you are an adult. So don't beat yourself up for having new emotions.
Go back to GP and ask for counselling - your mum is too invested to help tbh. I think you need space to explore your feelings fully (or can uni refer you) before you make decisions about egg saving/ surrogacy etc.
I wish you weren't having to deal with all this at such a young age.

I have been the teenager diagnosed with infertility. It's shit and I can relate to many things you are feeling.

Please speak to a counsellor.

I'd also recommend a further consultant appointment to discuss your options to conceive your own child in the future (egg freezing)

My default from 18yo to 25yo old was "I don't want kids". This was easier to say than admit "I'm devastated that I can't have kids"

You sound intelligent and brave and now you need to be practical. Find out your options and get some counselling to help you deal with those options, and your feelings.

Whilst I feel for you please do not have a one night stand . Your child deserves to know their father and have a relationship if possible. This could be difficult if father is duped into fatherhood. I speak as someone who has never known her father. Can you consider freezing your eggs for possible developments in the future.

I think for now I'm going to look into options like egg freezing and surrogacy but I think I'll end up adopting, it's something I've always wanted to do, I think the news is constantly in my mind because I have nothing to do, so for now I think I'll try to find a hobby and keep my mind occupied until I have more information on what to do next. Thank you all for replying, typing it all out feels like a weights been lifted off my shoulders.

I'm glad you're feeling a little more positive. And I'm glad I didn't upset you.

I understand the longing for a baby. But you simply have to be practical as far as children are concerned, well unless you're (and I don't mean you personally) prepared to let your children live in poverty. I know people with no job/house/support/stable partner do have DC but from working in HV I can tell you the affects on the child/ren usually ain't great!

Seeking out some real life support and ideally a fertility counselor really is the way to go.

If you do end up going alone then at least use a regulated sperm bank. That way risks from disease are nil and your child is protected from inheriting genetic diseases etc.

Not only that but the sperm donor knows what they're getting into and has signed up for it. Your child would also have the option of finding out about their 'father' as an adult.

A ONS could see you forever tied to goodness knows who if they decided they wanted a relationship with the child. There was a thread on here recently where the OPs friend had used a website to find a sperm donor and it all gone horribly wrong with the guy turning out to be quite the creep.

You are 21, about to embark on full time university studies with lots of health problems. Throw yourself into that and you could end up meeting the love of your life and having your own lovely family together (through surrogacy, adoption, whatever...)

Good luck with everything. It will be ok

When you have a miscarriage you can grieve for the child you have lost while I feel like I'm being ridiculous because it's like I'm grieving for children I've never had.

Oh OP, I know and remember this feeling.
For me it was wrapped up with a terrible amount of shame, as a tiny but significant part of me even felt jealous of those who had miscarried and also lost children. How terrible that felt. Infertility is very hard. I sympathise and empathise.

I truly hope that you go on to be very happy and find love and have children in your life. You've had a lot to contend with.