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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find it odd to justify your love for your child?

46 replies

PowerStranger500 · 11/06/2016 22:06

My friend recently had a baby. Everytime she speaks about her it goes something like this... 'She's not sleeping too well but I love her' or 'had me up all night but she's worth it, I adore her'. Posts on FB are similar in that it will be a photo of said baby with a caption like 'love this girl 😍'. My friend isn't the only one. I often see MNetters say things like 'he's hard work but I love him' and so on.

I suppose I find it strange because it is already assumed that ppl love their child, it's not something that needs to be confirmed regularly. Also, it doesn't happen with any other family member, for example you don't hear ppl say 'oh my mum had a go at me earlier but she is my world' or get ppl posting photos of their DHs with captions like 'love this guy' (although, I can imagine some ppl do that).

So what is it? When does it stop? I don't see many ppl regularly updating their friends/colleagues with how much they love their teenagers or grown up children, so is it a child thing? And I don't mean ppl now n then saying lovely things about their children, I mean daily updates that you love your child.

OP posts:

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/06/2016 07:29

But the op might still not understand her friend even if she does have her own, Anna. I have kids and I find the hasty reassurances of 'Oh but don't worry, I do love my baby' very odd. I only said it myself on the rare occasions when people (who didn't know me very well) were looking scared that I might actually just leave him at the baby group and go home

branofthemist you may be right that the families would be better off without those parents, but the parents in question don't let themselves consider leaving to be an option and instead stay and make everyone suffer. I hope that if I ever turn into my mother I'll cop onto myself and fuck off out of my kids' lives...... admittedly I may not twig that it's needed until too late. Many don't, and then their pride won't let them admit they've 'failed' anyway.

DropYourSword · 12/06/2016 07:32

I thought the whole 'mummy guilt' thing was frankly bollocks. Until I had my baby 6 weeks ago. Now I understand in a way I simply couldn't have before having a child.
I now find myself doing exactly the whole 'he never sleeps because he's suffering from reflux...but I love him', because I do.

I wonder if there's anything in the way you're brought up that feeds into this. My parents told me they loved me on a daily basis. Me and my partner tell each other every day too. Those posters who don't understand parents doing the whole 'but I love them' thing, do you say it frequently to others?

There's no right or wrong, everyone does their own thing.

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/06/2016 07:49

Admittedly my parents never said it to me..... they weren't demonstrative types. I think they just assumed we'd take it as read. I say it to my boys every so often but I always think it must sound very stilted; I'm vocalising it out of some nagging feeling that I ought to, because the books say this is what you should do. I feel awkward saying it though.

But I digress. So have we established that in general, people publicly reaffirm their love for their babies in order to offset their own guilt at having complained? Or do they do it because they can't contain themselves? I always have a slight feeling of wanting to say 'Methinks the lady doth protest to much', but I don't say it because I'm not a dick

Believeitornot · 12/06/2016 07:53

I quite like saying how much I love my children. Quite a nice feeling.

OP it seems you're over thinking this a bit.

Believeitornot · 12/06/2016 07:54

I also tell the children I love them all the time because I believe that sometimes they need to hear it. It doesn't feel stilted.

My mum never ever said it to me. Not once. And, I'm not sure she does and I'm not sure I love her (I had a not pleasant childhood)

Oysterbabe · 12/06/2016 07:55

It's just a thing people do to show they aren't really annoyed. Like a figure of speech.
I might say Oysterbaby vommed all over my favourite top today, good job she's cute! Same thing.

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/06/2016 08:10

I've just remembered why I am uncomfortable with this. It's a result of a death in the family when I was very young; basically I feel that if I acknowledge the importance of someone/something to me then I will feel a million times worse if when they are taken away. Therefore if I don't acknowledge their importance I can pretend to myself that actually I didn't care anyway.

I should probably address that.....

lemonny · 12/06/2016 08:18

It's not odd, like pp have said it's just to ease the guilt of having a moan every now and again.

I do it about my other family members too, "I love my mum so much but I know she is hard work sometimes" etc etc.

Ffitz · 12/06/2016 08:27

People are just looking for ways to fill space half the time. Of course everyone loves their bloody kids. Saying it adds nothing of any interest but you could say the same for 95% of what's on Facebook.

AnnaMarlowe · 12/06/2016 08:27

Contessa you are right of course, having kids might have made no difference to the OP's understanding.

I don't think it's a case of 'protesting too much' I think it's perhaps a sigh the lady is finding life with a new born hard reminding herself that it's worth it.

I think too much FB isn't a great idea though. Lord knows what I'd have posted in the sleep deprived early days for everyone to speculate on.

Ffitz · 12/06/2016 08:29

I have a couple of Mummy blog hate reads and they're the worst, they actually write long posts about exactly why they love their kids.

Believeitornot · 12/06/2016 08:57

That probably explains my mums behaviour towards her children. She lost her mother when she was 4 and my youngest sister at 3 months old.

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/06/2016 09:03

I think my mum did the same with us Believe; I had a younger sibling who died and my sister was born later on. Our mother was obsessively controlling of our every move (protecting us?) and very very emotionally distant at the same time (presumably protecting herself against further pain). It makes a sort of sense now, but at the time the mixed messages were terribly confusing.

The fact that she came from a terribly repressed Welsh family probably didn't help her with the 'being open and honest' thing though tbf......

molyholy · 12/06/2016 09:07

Sorry op, you really annoyed me with your use of 'ppl' instead of 'people'. It's only 3 more letters.

Believeitornot · 12/06/2016 09:10

Yes, I completely understand re mixed messages.

Sorry OP we've derailed the thread somewhat!

AnnaMarlowe · 12/06/2016 09:51

HolyMoly I'm a grammar pedant but your post was far more annoying than the OP's.

LaContessaDiPlump · 12/06/2016 12:37

I like to think we've added to its rich tapestry Believe

corythatwas · 12/06/2016 13:00

PowerStranger500 Sat 11-Jun-16 23:49:52

"Always makes me think, who thinks you don't love her?? Who are you convincing?"

Yourself. Almost certainly yourself. Because you have been conditioned to believe that your duty as a mother is to feel an unconditional and wonderful love for your child every minute of the day, you have spent 9 months looking forward to this wonderful feeling and the wonderful person it would turn you into, and the moment other thoughts (such as "why can't she just shut up and let me sleep?") intrude, you feel GUILTY, you worry that somehow your precious new baby is going to pick up on those feelings and be damaged for life, you desperately want to get back to thinking positive thoughts about her.

Believeitornot · 13/06/2016 20:29

I like that way of thinking

Frazzledmum123 · 13/06/2016 20:49

Sometimes I say it because I see something and just think it. I will look at a picture for example and be consumed with love and I gush! Probably very annoying for other people but hey ho, if you've had a bad day and feeling rubbish then get reminded of why you are doing it you can be a bit over soppy!
Other times I have said something to get it off my chest then added the 'but I love them' but to lighten the mood so I don't come across as a miserable cow. Again, no need to be public about it really but people can skip my posts if they aren't interested 😁

KayTee87 · 13/06/2016 21:23

As a previous poster said i think it's just people following a negative with a positive so they don't look like they're moaning. If they always missed out the positive part I'm sure someone would be along to criticise them on that too. If everyone would just put less crap on Facebook it would be great

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