to think DP has lied and is financially abusive?

[dondondon99]

Six months ago one of our DC started receiving DLA and I started receiving carers allowance. Before this, the only money I had was child benefit and £350 per month that DP transferred to me for food. So I paid for all food, my bills (phone, credit card, sofa, store card), school trips, clothes, activities, birthday and Christmas presents and parties out of this. I was really struggling to the point I was walking around with wet feet because my shoes had holes in but I couldn't afford to replace them. When DD started receiving DLA, DP said he would reduce the food money to £250 per month (for two adults and three DC) as I now had other money coming in (tax credits now, also.)

He said this was also because now I received tax credits, he couldn't do over time anymore or it would take his earnings over the threshold so he'd be working for free. I put my foot down and said no. I said £250 is not enough for food for us all and that it is very little out of his £39,000 salary to contribute when he has no other major expenses. He wasn't happy but kept transferring the usual amount.

However since then he's still been doing at least three days over time per month which says to me he was lying about it taking us over the tax credits threshold and that he was just trying to withhold more money. I gave up my career to be a SAHM and have no pension and feel completely financially cut out of the relationship.

Aibu to think he is being a shit here? He contributes £400 p/m to his pension, BTW.

So your financial contribution to the household is your time spent 'working' to look after your children. One way to highlight your value (if this is what is necessary!!!) is to calculate how much you would cost if you were a child minder, say £4.25p/h for the first child and £3.25 for each subsequent child. This would work out at around £400 p/w for 3 kids over a normal 37hr working week! You are contributing at least that much towards the family unit by not working. I know you are obviously not a child minder (and put in a lot more hours, lol), you may love doing it, but if he is financially squeezing you the reality is you could choose to go back to work and then this child care cost would be split between you (potentially with some additional help from the government) - which I get the impression he would not want!

Oh, dear, dondon :( Either you've posted before or there's a depressing number of women being expected to run their families and buy living-room furniture out of £350 a month.

Yes, it's financial abuse.

He doesn't care about you or the kids.

You will be better off without him.

Previous post: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2639872-to-be-annoyed-that-people-presume-DP-pays-for-everything-because-Im-a-SAHM and not the only one, you get advice, disappear then repost the same thing.

I'm sure you have posted about it before. And just like then, I have to say:
Leave him. That way you'll be getting more tax credits and I'm sure CSA will make him pay you child maintenance. And you won't have to buy food and clothes for another adult.
LTB, he is financially abusive.

Assume that isn't the same person as details are different? Though I suppose people do tend to chop and change them to make themselves less recognisable.

NoCakeLeft
The CSA didn't do that when they did exist and from the communication I've had from them they will soon be ceasing to do so.

Seems to be the same person and in that thread OP says they are not married. Good. Leave him.

That's not the point. The point is the OP has options. She will be better off without him.
But I guess she's gone now. Until next month or so, when she will return with new name and will post the same thing and will get the same responses.

One of the BEST relationship threads was - I dunno, about a year ago? - very similar in nature. Tight-arse bloke making the OP skivvy on a shoestring.

She left him! Went out with her children, phoned her best friend and quit :)

She was better off afterwards, too. It can be done! In fact, there's someone doing it every day. Why not be the next?

YANBU unreasonable. Definitely!

For comparison, DP is a SAHD. I earn about 50,000. I pay all the bills, birthday presents, kids clothes etc from that. We have a £340 monthly cash budget for food for 2 adults and one small child. I pay £200 into DP's account for anything he needs on top of this - clothes, books, music, snacks, extra food. If he needs more, and there is money available, I transfer it. That's it. Your partner isnt behaving like a partner.

What does he say if you suggest transferring more or a joint account? He's giving you the bare minimum to survive on while he gets to live comfortably with free childcare! Lucky him! If he was broke, then he would encourage you getting a job wouldn't he? It's controlling behaviour you can't live like this.

When I was SAHM, DH earning about £53k, we just had one pot. Everything went in it, we paid everything out of it. Some months he spent more, some months I spent more. After a couple of domestic disasters, our savings ran out so I went back to work. Guess what - we still have one pot, all in there. Savings are transferred out at the beginning of the month (well, 20th as its payday) and on we go. Anything over £100 we check before spending, otherwise we just buy it

I wouldn't be a sahp without being married tbh, Financially dependent on someone that can just leave you is too risky

I would be careful if I were you. If your DP is working overtime, tax credits will find out and even with claiming for a disabled child, it could still take you over the threshold.

If you go past that, you will have to pay the money back.

You would lose your tax credits at 40k with 3 kids normally, I'm sure ifthe disability element changes this sohe could be right about the threshold thing. He's being a tight arse though and needs to give you more money or he just pays for theshopping/pitches inmore with other stuff