Do I have a personality disorder?

[icy121]

I know IABU.

I am selfish, I don't think about my OH, I think about myself.

I don't want to be like this, but every time I do something selfish and not normal (tonight I had to go for a works thing. I didn't text him before to tell him, it didn't even cross my mind to) and afterwards when it's pointed out that people who are in relationships tell each other things. I try hard and get it right for a while but inevitably I fuck up and just blinkerd-ly go about my own business without a thought for him.

Is this a kind of mild psychopathy? Is there anything I can do to not be so completely focused on myself?

When there is a "proper" plan in place I wouldn't "fuck up" (as I see it). It's normal day to day life where I just revert into self-focus and that's it. So if I'm seeing friends or if OH and I have plans then I won't miss it.

I've always been the same and I don't want to be like this, but every time I don't change, it looks as though I don't want want to and if I did I would.

I'm also slapdash and don't pay enough attention to detail. I hate it and I don't want to be like this. What the hell is wrong with me? Do I have a personality disorder?

I'm not looking for affirmation, i'd like anyone who has experience of this - and preferably experience of becoming a better person - to offer some insight please.

I think if you had some sort of personality disorder, you wouldn't necessarily be aware or worried about your behaviour.

You're just human. You fuck up sometimes. It's not the worst thing in the world, so long as you apologise afterwards.

There are things about myself that I don't like. It's called being human.

No I don't think so. I am
Very cold and it's just who I am. A personality disorder is far more serious than that!

Do you get given an especially hard time about the times when you make a mistake? Because you seem very hard on yourself.

No one can diagnose you over the Internet of course. Have you ever talked to a GP or counsellor about this?

My DH can be like this and I'm convinced it's mild ADHD - DD1 has a lot of the traits and it's mostly genetic. He's not selfish deliberately and it doesn't make him a bad person - same for you. You need to set up reminders and develop habits to address this behaviour and better manage relationships.

Just to reassure you, I have worked in mental health for many years and there is nothing whatsoever in your post that indicates the presence of a personality disorder. You have identified some things about yourself that you feel are causing problems for you in relationships and you'd like to work on them, that's a good thing. Why not start by sitting down with your OH and explaining to him that you would like to be more considerate of him and ask him for to let you know what he thinks would help.

I wonder if mindfulness and CBT would help, not necessarily via a counsellor but with the book or audio downloads.

That doesn't sound much like a personality disorder. Could it be undiagnosed adult ADHD?

I'm slapdash and don't pay attention to detail. I don't see this as a problem at all but it drives DH a bit mad (he's a perfectionist). I prefer to multi task and get things done quicker.

I would text him if I was going to be late though. If it doesn't come naturally to you, maybe set up some fixes to help (eg an alarm on your phone at 6pm to remind you to text him if you're still at work)?

Or how about if you and OH sit down on a Sunday evening with your diaries and talk through your plans for the week?

I just don't know why sometimes it doesn't cross my mind to tell him if I'm going to be late. A lot of the time it does but sometimes it doesn't and I don't really know what triggers me to remember or not. I feel like a bit of a shit when I do things like that because it doesn't feel like the actions of a normal person in a loving relationship.

Icy I have lots of friends whose husbands do this regularly, and don't give a shit afterwards either

Stressing 1st off that I am NO kind of expert, you do sound as though you have some kind of attention 'difference' - a kind of over-focus on what you are doing (are you good at concentrating, for instance?) - almost like to opposite of ADHD- though they might be two sides of the same coin? I have the 'opposite' issues, always worrying about everyone and everything, and useless at concentrating. But also forgetful, always losing things...

I don't think you sound shit at all, you obviously care a lot

The fact that you mind about it, as pps have said, indicates there is nothing 'wrong' with you, it's how you roll, but you want to find a way to make things nicer for your DH.

I think in your position I'd have a jolly good google, but also, talk to DH about things you could do that wold help, like a shared diary, reminders to text, etc. Since you want him to know, these will probably help a lot- they will become one of your 'tasks' and you sound v organised.

You don't sound anything like you have a personality disorder.

People with (most) PDs don't lack interest/focus on relationships with other people. It's more that one is so paranoic and overanalysing compared to the "norm" that one is unable to function.

You wouldn't forget to text someone if you had BPD for ex.

You might avoid doing it because you think they'll leave you if you tell them you're going out, or you might go out and get pissed without telling them to spite them for something you've imagined they did that morning. Or you might just be too paralysed with anxiety to go near a social communication device.

But you wouldn't just forget.

You might be a sociopath tho.

And I don't think you sound shit at all, you obviously care a lot!

oops, don't know how that got duplicated! Usual lack of concentration....

A few things.

• Firstly, 'personality disorder' is a huge huge MASSIVE umbrella term. There are endless crossovers and varying severity. 'Personality disorder' is a term that likes to be bounded around by the media especially, when by itself it doesn't actually mean anything. So don't scare yourself with those words.

• If you feel you have any long term mental health symptoms, it's worth seeing a doctor. Personality traits in and of themselves are not necessarily symptoms, so remember that.

• Can you work backwards and find out why you behave in these ways? I do think you're giving yourself a hard time, but if these behaviours are bothering you, working out where they come from might help you deconstruct them, personality disorder or not.

You might be a sociopath tho

OP, please don't worry about this. "Sociopathy" is essentially a non medical term which is synonymous with anti-social personality disorder. ASPD is a mental health disorder in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others to an extent that they are unable to conform to social norms and lawful behaviours. There is nothing whatsoever in your post to indicate the presence of ASPD.

Is it possible you're actually fine and it's your DH being controlling? I thought I was incredibly selfish for years. I wasn't. My DH was being abusive.

Id like to think it was a controlling OH, but no I'm just a shit

No you're not!!! You obviously care a great deal about this, so you're not a shit at all.

You're not a shit op

Give yourself a break. No one on an Internet forum can tell you if you have a personality disorder. But if you're worried about your health please make an appointment to see your GP.

You sound lovely. It sounds as if you're having a very stressful time and you need to address that.

Is it a loving relationship? How do you know?