To be unsure about the headteacher speaking to my child alone?

[freemanbatch]

On the last day before half term my daughter 8 came home from school out of sorts and at teatime when I asked the kids about their day, as I do every day, she broke down in tears and cried for a few minutes before she finally calmed down enough to explain what was wrong.

She told me that at lunchtime there had been nothing vegetarian left for school dinners when she got there so she had had to have fish. There were also no potatoes left do she had to have chips, which she doesn't like, and there only green beans left, which again she doesn't like. She said that she'd accepted the dinner she was given and then gone to the 'salad bar' knowing that there would lots of that left and she could make a meal out of that.

She chose some bread and nachos off the salad bar as well as lots of cucumber, tomatoes, peppers and salad leaves. Her plate was really full but she was confident she'd not be hungry despite not liking the set meal she'd been given.

When she sat down to the table with her friends one of the other children commented on how much food she had and one of the dinner ladies overheard and turned around to have a look at which point, my daughter told me, the dinner lady told her not to be so greedy and to think of other children before she reached across the table and removed a handful of salad from my daughters plate and took it and threw it in the bin.

In her tears My daughter said 'it made no sense because putting it in the bin meant no one could have it so how I that thinking of others?' Which made me think she wasn't just making up a story.

I took the decision to write to the school and ask what had actually happened. I said that I knew children's accounts weren't always reliable so I wanted to know the view of the incident from the adult involved. I also said that I was aware that it would be quite a time after the incident before they could ask the dinner lady, due to holiday, but I just wanted to know what she remembered of the incident.

The head teacher spoke to me yesterday, first day back, to say she was going to look into it that day and asked how my daughter was. I said she was fine but asked that someone check that she had actually went and had dinner that day because she has a history of missing her lunch, and no one noticing, and I was concerned she might try it given how upset she had been on the last day.

Today I received a letter telling me that the dinner lady denys the incident took place, states she only picked up food off the table that my daughter had dropped and that anything nasty was said by children. The letter also says that the head has spoken to my daughter and my daughter agrees that the dinner lady is telling the truth.

So to my question (sorry this is so long) AIBU to feel slightly uncomfortable about the head teacher speaking to my daughter about something I had raised with the school without my permission, presence or even my knowledge? The idea of them summoning my daughter to the heads office to be quizzed about something that happened nearly two weeks ago makes me really uncomfortable especially because I hadn't 'complained' or asked for the dinner lady's head on platter I'd simply asked for the adult involved to give her account of what happened.

Helping not belong!

A child of 8 can't be expected to remember exactly what happened in a tense situation. (Even adults can't.) In fact they're more likely to change the story when challenged. So I wouldn't be concerned about that.
I know many will disagree, but I think if you want to build up your daughter's confidence in such social situations, it's best to make light of what happened.
She's going to come up against much worse in her life, and you can't always protect her.

Parents need to deal with the school on the basis that they believe their children until they are convinced by evidence otherwise. i say that as a retired teacher who has seen cc called liars and parents bullied into accepting the school' version.If the parents do not stand by their dcc ,who will? Better to find out that you have made the mistake of trusting your child too many times ,than the opposite.

AIBU to feel slightly uncomfortable about the head teacher speaking to my daughter about something I had raised with the school without my permission, presence or even my knowledge? The idea of them summoning my daughter to the heads office to be quizzed about something that happened nearly two weeks ago makes me really uncomfortable especially because I hadn't 'complained' or asked for the dinner lady's head on platter I'd simply asked for the adult involved to give her account of what happened.

You're not being unreasonable. That must have been very intimidating for your daughter and under those circumstances many children will back down and agree even if it isn't true.

I certainly would NOT be happy about it and would go to speak to the headmaster and explain that you would rather be informed of these things before they happen and have the option to be present.

You mentioned another parent had contacted you - what did her child say about it?

Alibobbob
I would ask the head that if the dinner ladys' version of events was true why didn't she speak to the children who made the unkind comments/who was bullying your daughter?

A valid point. Also interesting to know what the dinner lady thought she'd said when she picked up the food. The school's account does not seem to hang together well.

Not unusual for a HT to talk to a child alone.

Not unusual for a child, especially an anxious one to agree with an authority figure.

But you have a parent who's text you and their child is a witness.

I'd send a simple letter.

Dear HT,

I understand you spoke to DD re the lunch incident on X date. I am also aware from whet she told me that she changed her story due to not wanting to be negative about one authoritive adult to another.

DD was very upset about this that evening.

There were child witnesses who reported to their parents and I have a text that one parent sent me to check my DD was ok.

Please ensure that my DD gets a decent meal each day and that she is encouraged to attend lunch each day as this is becoming an issue.
Hopefully no further incidents will occur now the lunchtime supervisory staff member is aware the issue has been raised.

Yours ......

Basically says you'll move on but likewise you are aware their version is not the truth.

I honestly believe your DD has basically been bullied into saying that's what's happened. Be under no illusions. HTs close ranks with their staff. Just as lots and of professionals do
Believe your dds version. She's your priority.

Would nt it be better to move on from this ? I'm sure your daughter will forget about it if you do not keep raising it.

The other parent said her child had mentioned that at lunchtime the dinner lady had been nasty to my daughter and put some of her food in the bin because she was being greedy and her daughter was concerned about my daughter being upset.

The vegetarian option has been an issue for a while on Fridays because they seem to think fish is vegetarian so they have fish and something else! It's very weird but she normally manages a nice dinner by using the salad bar which no other kid seems to touch!

I'm going to speak to her when she gets in tonight and see how she is, explaining that I understand her anxiety last night now and I'm sorry for handling that badly. If she seems ok with things then I'm not going to push the school any further for fear my daughter will stop telling me because she doesn't want me to tell school, if she's not ok or seems worried then I'll go back to the school and ask the question about what the dinner lady did abou the kids who called her names and see what answer I get.

Thank you for all the opinions, it's really helped me look at things from different sides :-)

Your child is counted in the number of vegetarian meals chosen. Sorry not buying this.

Given your Dd's history it probably felt like a Police interrogation to her and she probably felt pressured into with agreeing the Dinner ladies version.
Do they know her history and how vulnerable that makes her?

Add to the bottom of your letter (if you send one) that Fish is not a vegetarian option in your family, can she please not be given it in future.

i will be formally writing to ask for vegetarian food even if I don't do anything else after I've spoken to my daughter because I always thought she must be confused about options until the school sent me the menu with their letter and it really does have fish and something else which is most often meat.

I thought the school knew my daughter's vulnerabilities and were very supportive of her but they really do seem to think that she should be 'over it' by now and that's not an easy thing to deal with!

Fish is not a vegetarian option at all!

Another option is a packed lunch - that way you can ensure she get something she will eat every day.

Agree with Clarrp - you can then see what she has eaten.

Whilst the head teacher wasn't being unreasonable or behaving unusually in speaking to your daughter alone the additional circumstances may have made you daughter change her story.

You first need to talk to her tonight. Make a point about how important it is to tell the truth even if you are scared you will be in trouble. This is an important life lesson for your daughter and she does need to learn it. Make it clear she isn't in trouble and you aren't cross but that she must remember this in future.

The second thing to do is to stop the letter writing. Something like this needs a conversation with the head in person or at the very least over the phone. If your daughter was intimidated and changed her story to the head it is important the head knows this is part of our daughter's character now, otherwise you're doing your daughter no favours for the future.

The third thing to address is the vegetarian meal option which you should do in the above conversation. Your daughter needs a sensible vegetarian option or needs to be allowed to refuse the fish and meat and opt for a salad that day.

The Head told your DD what he/she wanted the truth to be and that's the end of it. Sadly that's how many schools operate. My DD then aged 6 was humiliated in front of the whole class for something that wasn't her fault, other parents rang me to say their children were frightened and upset by the incident knowing that my DD was bullied by the teacher and also knowing they might be next. The Head refused to even speak to me about it, so I moved DD - the school had form.

Roll on a few years, I was chair of a federation of primary schools and I can tell you now, if the Head wants a different version of events, usually he or she will make sure that a different version becomes the ONLY version. School has been where my children learnt that adults lie.

Now they are both in secondary school, they see things like this happen all the time. Overall the party line is normally 'deny everything'. I think you would be right to pursue it but I agree to do it in person so ask for an appointment.

I'd believe you DD, tbh.

The dinner ladies were bullies at my children's previous school, and would not have hesitated to lie about an incident like this.

After speaking to your daughter and if she wants you to speak to the school again please push the point about the other parent/child confirming your DD's version of events as well as asking what action the dinner lady took regarding your daughter being bullied by other children if her version of events is to be believed after all regardless of her role she is an employee of the school and should have training in how to deal with bullying. I don't for a second believe the dinner lady.

My DD had a similar incident I went to collect her from school it was obvious she had been crying. Her friend told me she had been shouted at by 3 teachers inc DH. My DD had spilt paint on another child by accident. Teachers accused her of doing it on purpose. Dragged into DH for a bollocking. My DD was intimidated and accepted it was her fault and done on purpose. I eventually got to the bottom of it, had a couple of meetings - demanded the staff including DH apologise to her. Removed my kids from the school.