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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding finances

37 replies

Villagebike3 · 08/06/2016 16:23

My friend has 2 daughters. They are 5.5 years appart in age. The 27 year old (eldest) has been seeing her fiance for 4 years and are getting married next summer, they announced it about at Easter.

My friend and her dh have been working with their eldest daughter on plans and paying for the wedding. It worked out they would be paying a good £10k+ All good and the plans were going well, quite posh and up market.

Two weekends ago the youngest daughter announced her engagement to a boy se has been seeing 18 months. They have decided on a wedding next year too.

My friend can't afford £10k+ each wedding. She had assumed there would be a number of years between the girls' weddings in which to recover financially.

She had 'the talk' with her eldest daughter at the weekend and said each daughter now has a budget of around £5k each. It didn't go well. Her daughter had a feeling this would happen as soon as her younger sister announced her engagement.

Her wedding plans have to change and my friend feels terrible.

Was I unreasonable to tell my friend that £5k for a wedding is a lot of money and they should feel lucky?!

OP posts:

RubbishMantra · 08/06/2016 17:40

DH and I got married on £2,000, including 18ct wedding rings. Best bloody day of my life.

We didn't want a Big Fuss, twas the being married and commitment that mattered, not a fancy do. We started the day with Bloody Marys, had 2 good friends as witnesses, and retired with our 2 friends to a beautiful hotel, for a lovely meal, celebration drinks, then DH and I spent the night there.

From my experience, it's saying the vows and realising how profound they are, not how much money is spent on the wedding.

Babyroobs · 08/06/2016 17:42

I don't think I could go back on what I had promised the eldest. I would probably get a loan to give the other the same. Then again I'm a bit soft like that ! I think 10K is an awful lot to give anyway, and I have no idea why people seem to think it's necessary to spend so much money on one day, but each to their own I guess.

branofthemist · 08/06/2016 17:46

So the younger sister saw the older one getting 10k for a posh wedding and fancied it herself, assuming her parents had enough to give her 10k as well.

But it's going to work out that the older one has a 'posher' wedding any way.

I wonder if the younger one will even end up getting married or causing more trouble in the run up to the weddings

DickCheese · 08/06/2016 17:46

Spend £10k and do a joint wedding 😂😂

MamaLazarou · 08/06/2016 17:55

Was I unreasonable to tell my friend that £5k for a wedding is a lot of money and they should feel lucky?!

YANBU! Let them pay for their own weddings if they want a massive do.

DeathStare · 08/06/2016 18:01

I can see all sides in this.

It is nice of your friend to offer to contribute towards her daughters' weddings. It is a gift not an obligation and either £5k or £10k is a sizeable gift.

However if she intended to offer equal to both daughters then she was stupid to offer DD1 a certain sum without already having a nail through the same sum for DD2, because it is sod's law that this would happen.

While the gift is generous I can understand DD1 being pissed off with the situation as she has probably booked things that she now cannot afford meaning she is likely to either lose deposits or to have to sort out new finances (possibly a loan?)

Having said that it isn't really DD2's fault. She shouldn't be expected to wait 5 years to get married just because her sister happened to get engaged first.

Ifailed · 08/06/2016 18:08

your friend was daft to offer £10k for a wedding for child #1 if they couldn't afford the same for child #2, a precedent had been set.
She needs to have an adult conversation with both DDs.

TheCraicDealer · 08/06/2016 18:09

I can also see it from the older daughter's point of view. It's pretty shit to be planning an event and then have a chunk of your funding whipped away, doesn't matter if it was going to cost £2,000 or £20,000.

I think from the parents point of view I would have said to younger daughter
"Congratulations! As you know a lot of our savings have been promised to your sister for her wedding. We'd love to do the same for you but it's just not possible. So either we can help you with a wedding in five years time, or you can continue planning the do for next year using your and DF's own money and we can help you with a house deposit in five years."

Frankly at 21 and having been together only a year and a bit I would be using the money issue as a means to put it on the long finger a bit. And having parents pay for the whole do is a bit old fashioned, even here!

TwinkleCrinkle · 08/06/2016 18:40

Depending on the parents ability to save (sounds like they would be able to save another 10k in 5yrs?) maybe they could say to them that they can both have 5k contributed to their weddings but will give the balance in another 5 years time?

Obviously they don't have to 'top up' at all but it sounds like they would have done 10k each had the younger one waited.

Lunar1 · 08/06/2016 20:01

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is generous, though on MN you'd need to be eternally great full if your parents gave you a rusty tin opener for you wedding. Anybody would be a bit gutted if their funds were suddenly halved.

The eldest is perfectly entitled to be disappointed. I don't think the sister is to blame though, unless we are saying that she is less worthy than the older sibling. Nobody owns a year for their wedding exclusively!

The parents shouldn't have made presumptions about the 5 year plan of their youngest dd.

RedHelenB · 08/06/2016 20:10

Disagree - why should younger sister have to wait 5 years just cos her sister spent a longer time deciding to get married? Think your friend did the fairest thing and as dd1 has only been engaged 2 months I doubt she will have lots to change due to halving of the wedding budget.

Keely93 · 08/06/2016 20:11

A lot of people thinking the younger did it intentionally... Maybe, despite being 21 her partner proposed and she said yes and they want to get married sooner rather than later because they love each other and it means a lot to them? I think 5K is fair each(very generous actually) and if my wedding money got halved(not that anyone else will be paying for it for me) I'd still be happy with 5K! I'd be happy enough if my sister got married and we got 5K each. They're getting married the same year, not the same week, I don't see why she should have to wait if she doesn't want to.

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