to tell DP he has been lazy today?

[alificent]

DP is on day ten of annual leave. Last night he was asleep on the sofa by ten when I got downstairs from putting the four children to bed. He stayed in bed until 8.30 this morning while I had got myself showered and ready, put a load of washing on, made two packed lunches, fed the four month old, got the other three DC up, ready and fed. I took the DC to two separate schools leaving the toddler at home with DP but taking baby because she had a doctor's appointment.

I took baby to the doctors, ran several errands in town and returned home 1.5 hours after I left. Toddler was still in his pj's and DP was still sitting around in his pants. I had to park away from the house because the bin lorry was blocking the road (usually I can be seen driving past to the driveway) and so I approached the house without DP knowing I was back. I could see DS from the street emptying the craft drawers in the kitchen onto the floor and DP was in the other room on his phone.

DS hadn't had breakfast or had his bedtime nappy changed. DP hadn't done anything since I left. I changed both children, made DS breakfast and fed DD then hung the washing out before taking them both out to meet a friend at a local adventure playground. We were gone for three hours and all it seemed DP had managed to do was cut the grass. I then changed and fed the children again before walking the dog to collect the older children from school.

When we returned I made them a snack, hoovered, got the washing in, fed and changed baby, did half hour of ironing, played with the DC outside and then we needed to go food shopping. DP didn't utter a single word during food shopping, he left me to handle the DC and plan all the meals - he just trailed behind with his hands in his pockets.

When we returned he put the shopping away while I fed and changed baby and then I cooked tea while listening to two older DC reading. Baby was sleeping and toddler playing alone so DP had hands in pockets again. During tea I fed baby and helped DS then DP washed up while I played with the DC outside.

I then ran them a bath, washed them all, got pyjamas and clothes for tomorrow ready, read stories to them all and took them all to bed. I now have baby sleeping on me and DP is falling asleep on the sofa, again. I was up with DD at least five times last night and DS three times but still up for the day at 6.45. Aibu to poke him and tell him he's been bloody lazy today and does not have the right to be tired?!

A sharp kick in the cock

I did precisely that with the list when I spoke to him last month - I had 50+ things on my list that I'd done and he had two. He admitted he struggles knowing what to do so he often just does nothing The DC are not keen on him. The eldest (his DD for 7 years) won't do anything with him and often doesn't listen to him. They argue a lot and she has no respect for him because he argues and threatens punishments and expects her to behave better but she knows full well he'll never see it through so everything is left to me with regards to her.

Two year old mostly kicks off at him because DP doesn't talk much. So DS will be playing and DP will just pick him up and take him to wash his hands for tea then look absolutely bewildered when DS protests. He won't do anything to rectify the situation though, he'll just give up and walk away - again leaving me to deal with everything.

Five year old will occasionally stay with him but is rude and bossy to him and he does precisely everything she says when she says it. With the shopping last night I would've had to take at least the eldest and two year old or they'd both have been inconsolable about staying with him. I think DP didn't particularly want to be left with any children alone, which is why he chose to come.

When I spoke to him last month I said he isn't pulling his weight. I gave suggestions if things that could improve things - I. E. if DS kicks off then the only thing DP has ever tried to rectify it is to put the tv on. I said that's crap and that he needs to pay more attention to the DC (rather than his phone) to prevent upset rather than reacting to it, poorly. At the weekend I went upstairs to bath the baby and make all the beds after having washed the covers. It was 6 pm and I told DP I had just put the oven on for tea and what I was going upstairs to do. Eldest two were playing in their bedroom so only DS2 was left downstairs. I came downstairs 45 mins later to DP and DS watching tv, no tea cooking and all three DC saying they're starving.

After we first spoke he did seem to try to make a bit more effort with the things but these days off he has been less than useless. Because he argues with the eldest and DD5 is rude to him and DS2 clings to me when he's around, it's actually more of a hindrance having him around.

He does seem absolutely worn down by home life by he has no reason to be. I don't nag or moan, I would 100% back him up if he was tougher on the DC so they treated him better but I'm not willing to keep telling them off on his behalf. Yesterday he asked DD9 if she wanted a banana as the other DC were having one. She ignored him. He looked to me then asked her again three times. He then put the bunch of bananas out of reach and flounced out saying we won't be buying anymore bananas if she's going to be rude and ignore him about them!? Bloody pointless thing to say. He turned back and glared at me like I should be telling her off but the DC will never have any respect for him if he doesn't learn how to deal with them better himself.

This morning I heard DD9 ask him to please pass her something. He said no, get it yourself. DD5 told him to go get her something from upstairs with no manners. He did it and then ten mins later asked DD9 to pass him something. She said 'hmm, let me think - what did you say to me when I asked you to help me? Perhaps you should try treating people how you'd like to be treated.' He said if she didn't do as she was told she'd lose her pocket money and he'd remove her breakfast. He didn't do anything, as usual. I'm sick of the atmosphere when he's here.

*eldest has been his SD for 7 years

Yes I am sure your 9 year old said that.

Not sure why that's unbelievable? It's something I always say to the eldest two when they aren't behaving nicely towards one another. Plus she goes to a church school so treating others how you wish to be treated is one of their school goals.

My 10 year old came out with something very similar yesterday so i can easily believe she said that.

OP are you the poster whose DP left the child in the cold bath? This is starting to sound familiar.

He sounds totally useless and past redemption, to be honest.

Lazy is only one of his characteristics. I'd be more worried about the way he treats his sd and fails to interact with the other dc. I'd ask him to leave.

Cocklodger/lazy arse/pathetic human being.

He sounds depressed. How does he get on at work, does he have similar issues there?

Yes MrsS - this is the same poster.

No he 'can't' bath them

He's absolutely fine at work and much happier on work days when he's hardly home.

I think although in an ideal world he would see what needed to be done he doesn't..My Ex was like this ( divorced for different reasons)

I did things like a list of what needed doing today and what was he going to do off the list ..If there are 30 things he can't just take 2 without looking a nob.

Or I'll get DS his lunch while you clean the bathroom

Or simply right a list of what I needed doing when out.

I tell my 9 year old off when he is doing a half hour help for doing nothing and then not asking what needs doing next. If he doesn't know he can ask.

It was the bath poster that made me speak to DP last month actually as I recognised the similarities in useless behaviour. It's really frustrating when posters insist they know a different back story because that just means this thread will be removed and I'll be banned and I'll just be stuck in this awful situation with no advice.

Wow. Yet another new username OP. Just leave the bloke, stop torturing him and just go. You hate him, just leave. That's assuming any of this is true. I note you've gone back to 4 children now after briefly experimenting with having 3.

Heh :)

But you have had so much advice - you never take it. Ever. You have been posting about this man for years. It is disingenuous to say you haven't. And if you have been banned you always come back.

I'll just be stuck in this awful situation with no advice

Surely you mean with no outlet to rant, because you have received plenty of advice but you do not want to take it. You would prefer to moan and have people say there, there, it will all be all right.

So here it is. There, there. It will all be all right. Expect it won't you know.

So why don't you separate then? There is v definitely a lot of anger in u towards him and it sounds as if your DC feel the same, with your help or not. He's obv miserable. You sound v angry. So separate.

No, I haven't. What is your advice? We live in his friends house so I'd be evicted and have nowhere to go and no one to help. He'd keep the car so I wouldn't be able to get the DC to school. I know LTB is easy to say but it isn't practically easy to do.

You're not stuck in an awful situation. Your house has at least one door, you are free to go out of it, you're not shackled to the sink.

Tell DP you're out tomorrow. Get up early, leave, don't return till the evening.
He'll either ink or he'll swim, either way you get a day off.
If there's chaos when you return, it his problem to sort.

Or the other option, talk to him again, spell out very clearly that if he isn't helping that he's hindering. If he likes football then you tell him. If there's was a player for City who told around and never did anything to help, the manager would sack them. If he want to be part of the team, he better shape up or you'll sck him to the reserve bench. 😁

My 8yo DS1 would make a comment similar to your 9yo - he's getting a bit of a smart mouth on him at the moment! My fault probably, for introducing him to "sarcasm". But also, from the other parents at school, one of the "things" for this age. At least I can get mine to apologise still if he oversteps the line!

But I have to agree with PPs - what does he bring to your life? Is he doing anything to enhance it, or is it all negative? Because if it's all negative, then you'd probably do better without him.

In that case, sort out the contraception and stop having more children with him because if you don't stop having more kids you will be complaining about him not changing DC5's nappy! He really is not father of the year material, he is not a family man, and you need to stop having children with him.

Ok it is the bath man. You posted last time about not being able to leave because he would have the house.

He hadn't fed the child or changed it's nappy while you were out?

You are not being unreasonable here. I would have been LIVID if I were you.

I had a husband like yours OP. I divorced him 15 years ago when the children were really young. Never regretted it for a single minute. I wanted to be married to a grown up and he just wasn't one

I find the length of the OP ironic.

Aibu to poke him and tell him he's been bloody lazy today and does not have the right to be tired?!
I have to say, that comment from your OP made me twitch. Some people ARE tired and no there is no way they would be able to do much more than just sitting around doing nothing. I know, I'm one of them :(

However, reading your further posts, I do get that actually the issue isn[t that he is 'tired' but that he has no idea how to deal with the dcs, has given up responsibility or even trying.
My dcs would have made comments such as the one your dd did. Mainly because it's the sort of things, I tell them all the time so theynwould have no issue opulling me or DH up on it (or would have at that age). Fwiw, I've always agreed with them because there is no reason why I wouldn't do something thatis good manners and I'm asking them to do.

I am a big fan of 'go away an let him deal with it for a day or a weekend. Repeat again and again'. But in your case, I would be wondering if

• the responsibility of looking after your younger dcs would fall onto your oldest dd
• it wouldn't actually be too much of an upheaval for the dcs.

Another way maybe to give him a small reponsibility with the HW (not the dcs), stick with that and then gradually increase his involvement.
Maybe do the same with the dcs.