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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Attend cousin's wedding?

24 replies

Enidblyton1 · 06/06/2016 23:27

What would you do in this situation?

A good friend of mine is getting married in November. We have known about the date for 6 months and have received a save the date card. I have verbally made it clear I can attend.
A couple of weeks ago my cousin announced she is getting married on the same date. She has asked our DD to be bridesmaid.
Sadly there is no way of attending part of both weddings as they are at opposite ends of the country.

The cousin's wedding would definitely have to come first if we had received the invites on the same day. However, the friend is a good one (known each other for over 10 years) and she has had a rough time recently, splitting up with ex husband and losing lots of friends in the process. I know she will feel hurt if we go to the cousin's wedding.

What would you do in this situation? AIBU to go to my cousin's wedding?

OP posts:

whois · 06/06/2016 23:29

No way would I ditch the friends wedding, that is bad form.

Tell cousin that its a massive shame but you already acceptpted an invite to a wedding that day. Love to take you out for a celebratory meal instead, etc etc

MrsJayy · 06/06/2016 23:31

You are just going to have to say sorry cousin I have a wedding that day it's all arranged

MidnightAura · 06/06/2016 23:33

I think your friend has to come first. She asked you first. It depends on the relationship with your cousin but you are letting a friend down.

TheNaze73 · 06/06/2016 23:40

Go with whatever one you like

KateLivesInEngland · 06/06/2016 23:43

I'd pick my friend over my cousin, though that's because we aren't that close. It all depends on which you want to go to more.

EllaHen · 06/06/2016 23:45

In this instance I would attend friend's wedding. Most definitely.

Leeds2 · 06/06/2016 23:46

Would it be possible for your OH to go to cousin's wedding with DD, or DD go with your parents or other family member, so that she would still get to be bridesmaid? Depending on how old she is, I would hate my DD to miss out on that treat!

sandgrown · 06/06/2016 23:46

Could your daughter still be bridesmaid for your cousin but go to the wedding with other relatives such as grandparents. You can then go to friend' s wedding.

MyKingdomForBrie · 06/06/2016 23:47

Could grandparents take dd to the cousins wedding to be bridesmaid? Then it's kind of like you went to both as you're represented at both?

puglife15 · 06/06/2016 23:47

I don't think YABU if youarentaren't that close with the friend. It's not good form though and I would go out of my way to make it up. Maybe tell a white lie that you'd got the cousins wedding date wrong and didn't realise it was the same day when you had accepted your friends invite.

maddening · 06/06/2016 23:47

Can dd go with your parents to cousin's wedding and be bridesmaid and you go to your friend's wedding?

fatmomma99 · 06/06/2016 23:57

EEeeek. Horrible.

It completely depends on your family set up. I'm V close to my cousins and adore them, so it would be a no brainer for me (esp with DD being a bridesmaid), but do understand PPs saying you've already accepted an invite.

Good luck, sounds awful!!!!

GabsAlot · 07/06/2016 00:11

who are u closest too

just be honest and say you received an invite from your friend first and already accepted

Original poster

Enidblyton1 · 07/06/2016 00:12

Thanks for the advice!
Not an easy decision as I will either be offending friend or family...

DD is only 5 so tricky for me not be with her, but I have considered splitting our family in order to attend both. Shame they are so far apart - Cornwall and Yorkshire!

Aaarrrghh! I'm only invited to 3 weddings this year so why do 2 of them have to be on the same day?!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Enidblyton1 · 07/06/2016 00:15

To clarify, I haven't formally accepted the friend invite yet. She just assumes I will because I've known about the date for ages and we've been talking about her wedding planning.
Not sure that makes any difference though!

OP posts:

TheTartOfAsgard · 07/06/2016 00:17

It's a dilemma but the deal breaker for me would be the opportunity for dd to be a bridesmaid. She may not get the chance again, and you'd obviously want to watch her be a bridesmaid and join in her excitement, so id go to the cousins wedding.
If friend is as good as you say then she'll understand.

StopLookingAtMyAccount · 07/06/2016 00:20

HOw long as the friend on her fiancé if she's recently split up with husband

I think you are meant to go to the friends wedding but if you really want to go to your cousins wedding then how about asking your friend and see what she says. Wouldn't a good friend understand? IYSWIM

A big family wedding where you get to see everyone can be a big deal.. It depends on the family of course. It could be something where you are really missed.

I don't think you are unreasonable to want to go to the cousins wedding but I also think it would be rude to now turn down your friends invite. Tricky..

puglife15 · 08/06/2016 05:55

What have you decided OP?

Janecc · 08/06/2016 06:12

I would be very torn. It's a family wedding. Your DD has been asked to be a bm. How big is your friends wedding? It really depends on how many people are there. If it's intimate, you may be sorely missed. It is possible also to be there for her, help her with her big day, plan it (if that's what you're intending to do) then not go. However, I wouldn't sacrifice a long standing friends relationship to attend your cousins wedding. I would try to make it possible for my DD to be bm as well. I know she's little and only you know if she will be happy to be on her own with her daddy and if grandparents/other family members will be on hand. My DD was very close to me at that age and cried even when I left her with dh even for an hour. Under these circumstances, she would have been fine to go with my mother and not be with her parents overnight as long as she could sleep in her grandmas bed.

How close are you to the cousin and your family?

NapQueen · 08/06/2016 06:25

I think seeing as you've already verbally accepted one it would be poor form to subsequently go back on that.

Two of my closest friends got married on the same day two years ago, one local and one 5 hours away. I'd already verbally accepted the save the date and been involved with planning and preparations for the local one before the distant one sent out invites.

I.felt truly awful having to decline the far away one, however I would have felt equally as awful going back on my acceptance of the local one.

You are not in an enviable position op.

NorksAreMessy · 08/06/2016 06:29

It would be rude to, in effect, say to your friend
"Sorry, not coming to your wedding now, something better has turned up".

LyndaNotLinda · 08/06/2016 06:44

If you had a holiday booked or you were speaking at a conference that day, you'd have to say to your cousin that sorry, you can't make her wedding. This is no different. You already have a commitment so you can't make it.

And if your family are upset by that, it sounds like you all need a lesson in manners

knitknack · 08/06/2016 06:45

There's no dilemma here - if you've accepted an invitation it's just not on to not go, no matter what else comes up! I keep trying to drill this into my children but it seems lots of people don't follow this 'rule' (etiquette, tradition?!) these days.

Flipping heck, I have NEVER sounded as much like my granny in my life....

RhiWrites · 08/06/2016 08:04

In the same circumstances I picked the friend and the cousins wedding was in the states and my parents offered an all expenses paid holiday there.

Then the cousin switched her date and I got to do both.

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