To think dh should have a word.

[fluffypacman]

My PIL are getting older, past retirement age but still dabbling in a bit of work. They are asset rich -ish and cash poor. Health is gradually declining. They've always been very careful with money and have managed to squirrel some savings away. These are being depleted by their youngest daughter who was made redundant a few years ago and has been trying to set up an art business. She's struggling to fund her lifestyle and pay the mortgage. PIL and the entire family it seems have a habit of burying their heads in the sand and wish to avoid conflict. Their savings are running out and they've already sold some assets to fund their daughter. Daughter half heartedly applied for 2 jobs with a regular income in this time. Still wants the art to work. We're now 6 years down the line. PIL are lovely but quite naive. They're now considering selling part of their business to continue bailing out daughter. Dh has told them daughter needs to support herself and they should stop. He's not worried about inheritance or anything like that. PIL won't have the conversation, they just moan about how they're running out of money to dh. I have gently suggested dh have a quiet word with his sister but he won't. They're not that close. It's not his battle really but I think sis is taking the piss and needs to be told. It's hurting their parents. None of my business which is why I'm not saying anything direct, should I press dh further. His parents are being taken advantage of Imo.

I don't think having a word with her will make any difference. She clearly knows that she's taking her parents for a ride.

If they want to give their money away they can however you don't have to listen to them moan about it - tell them it's their choice so you dont want to hear about it.

We did this with Mil re dhs db. We are nc with him now so we don't have to hear anything about him at all now as she knows we just aren't interested

Your DH can only really say what he will and won't do. What the PIL do is up to them.

So, he can tell them that it is ok to say no to SIL, and that after all this time the art is just not going to pay off her her, in all likelihood.

He can tell them you and he will not step in to help SIL if PIL run out of money.

He can also tell PIL that you and he will not be willing/able to support PIL financially or have them to live with you once the money is gone.

He can tell them he doesn't want to hear about the SIL situation anymore.

And that's about it, really.

Yeah, this resonates. DH's younger BIL is always broke (with kids and mortgage) and is constantly being bailed out quite substantially by PIL who are retired and living on increasingly diminishing income, and who do a lot of childcare for them. We are always been told we are "lucky" by PIL and BIL/SIL (rather than, I dunno, hard working and careful). We've never asked for or being offered money, and childcare is rare. Like the OP, PIL moan at DH about how terrible BIL and SIL are with money and how they are always "helping them out", but they have never said no. If DH raised this with his brother, all hell would break loose and it would cause a massive rift in about three different directions. All he can do is, as others have said, neutrally point out to his parents next time they moan that they can say no, and that BIL is an adult who has made his own choices. And then leave it. And you definitely can't say anything yourself, it's just not worth it.

I have seen the same happening with my mum and her dsis.
Gran paying to fund her and her dd lifestyle. Did that until she died.

Except that doing that meant
1- she had no money left as she got older and older so couldn't actually pay her own living costs at the en dog her life. Cute for my mum to pay for my gran a lot of expenses.
2- my gran did use any savings she had left incl one she had created for one of her grandchildren who became an orphan. This was to help said orphan to start in life, pay Uni etc... There was nothing left for that either.
3- she had to do without a lot of stuff, incl teeth stuff, with all the issues coming with it.

So yes, it was her money and her choice. But that choice had a lot of impact of the other siblings and a lot of impact on herself too.

I think the discussion that needs to be had is not about not giving money to the dsis but about managing money in retirement, incl how will they pay for a care home if they need one, paying for some help at home (eg a cleaner) etc etc. Destroying what is basically their retirement income isn't the right way to help her (wo even talking about the fact they are enabling her)

What I mean is that they can probably still give her money but not to the extend they have in the past.

I agree with others that it's their decision how to use their money, but that doesn't mean you should listen to any whining about it. Trouble is that comments, no matter how well phrased, often result in "Ooooo I know, but what can you doooo"

Personally I'd choose a time when everyone's calm, lay out your concerns politely but clearly, and make it absolutely plain that you won't be joining in or contributing to this madness, either now or in the future

They'll ignore it of course, but if in future you change the subject the instant anything's said, you'll be in a better position to withdraw when, inevitably, it all goes wrong