After a horrendous two weeks, I need something light hearted. So, what's the most awful / disgusting thing that your child has done to you? *lighthearted

[anahata]

Posting here for traffic.

I've had a horrendous couple of weeks for various reasons. I really need something to make me laugh.

What's the most awful or disgusting thing that your child or baby has done to you, or caused?

Please make me laugh!

So far (she's 10 weeks old) I've had what can only be described as a poo cannon whilst changing her on the bed at 4am. It went all over the bed and my legs and shocked me so much I screamed-which DH slept through the lucky bastard.
My nephew (18 months)figured out when my milk had just come in that hitting my boobs made me say "ow!" which he thought was hilarious.

Went to kiss ds2 (4) good night earlier and he grabbed my face and did an open mouth kiss and stuck his tongue out. I pulled away and said 'eww' and he said 'but I wanted to kiss you like daddy does'.

I'm fairly confident we've never full on snogged in front of him by the way but who knows.

My dd threw up in my mouth, she was weaning, it was mango purée coupled with milk. I stupidly held her in the air with her face above mine and it all came out, I was dry heaving for a good 5 mins!

My nephew is 16 months and a terrible sleeper, last week my Sister had an awful cold (hence the no sense of smell) and it was about the 4th time nephew had woken so she stuck him in her bed. He was wide awake but she was dozing and she said it was lovely because he was stroking her face and hair, all good until he stuck his fingers in her mouth and she tasted shit He hadn't been stroking her nicely, he had put his hand in his full nappy and had wiped crap all over her face and hair, he was also covered and so was the bed. Both of them in the bath at 4am!!

Ds1 ran in shouting 'mummy, mummy, ds2 has put your toothbrush in the toilet. Again.'

Me: 'what do you mean, AGAIN?'

DS was sick at the top of the stairs, managed to cover every single step in pink puke ( too much ribena maybe?) and when told to go to the bathroom of he was going to be sick again, managed to puke again in the toilet, with the seat still down. It covered every surface/wall and was hell to clean up

After a long journey on the first day of holidays, (drive, ferry, more drive), the final roundabout on the way into Glasgow proved too much for DD1 and she vomited profusely in the car, over much-loved teddy. We checked into our hotel, sweaty and smelly, with bags full of soiled baby wipes. Ran a bath for dd1, put teddy in the sink, and DD2, who had been ignored for a time, peed on the carpet. Stripped her off, put her in the bath. Then DS1, jealous as hell, wanted a bath too. Popped him in - immediate bowel movement.

A knock at the door: the duty manager apologetically tells us we have been put in the wrong room and would we mind moving?

I looked around at the sicky, urine-y, poo-y mess and inhaled the stench of vomit and said exasperatedly 'oh, alright! We'll move!'

some of these are comedy gold. Thank you so so much. After 2 funerals and a serious ongoing illness, a bit of light hearted confession time is exactly what the Dr ordered. Thank you xxxxxx

When my son went to school one day he came home and told me he'd learned how babies are made he asked me what happend when he was made , I told him I didn't know as I was asleep , when I picked him up the next day he had told all the teachers and his friends , stunner iv never lived it down

When DS was a baby I was holding him above my head, pretending to make him fly, and looking up at him adoringly. He grinned down at me and then chundered. Massively. It went in my eyes, up my nose and in my mouth.

Ooh, forgot one - it'll probably out me but what the hell. DD would have been about 2. I was unwell and in bed, and on a stagger to the loo happened to peer blearily out of the landing window, where I espied a large dead rat on the lawn. Ah, cats have been busy, thought I. Must ask DH to chuck it into next door's hedge dispose of it appropriately. Promptly forgot to do any such thing, and staggered back to bed.

Next thing I know, I hear DD in the garden. "Ooh looky, cat toy!" Arghhh....I bound out of bed and look out to see her swinging the aforementioned ex-rodent round her head by its tail.

Dd had severe reflux - I can't tell you the number of times she's covered me in vomit - filling my bra with it, having it run down into my knickers etc. A daily occurrence for a long long time.

When ds was about 18 months I needed to get a urine sample so he was going around without a nappy on with me following him around staring at his willy for any telltale signs. I took my attention off him for one second after HOURS of this rigmarole and he started to pee and he got such a fright he tried to run away from it screaming 'no no make it go away' . He'd clearly been holding it in and it went on for bloody ages with me, him and absolutely everything in the whole room getting drenched in piss. Except the urine sample tube obviously. Not a drop in that.

DD2 decided to eat fresh bird poo in the garden today and then went back for seconds!!

Ah, pooing in the bath, yes! We sometimes used to reuse the water my DS had bathed in - just top it up with hot water and jump in. One time I was reading toddler DS a post-bath story while DH jumped into the bath after him. Two minutes later I hear a lurch of water and DH running out of the bathroom squealing 'there's a poo, there's a poo!' I'm not sure what was funniest - the high pitched squealing or the fact that it was, in fact, a toy not a poo

Dd sneezing in my mouth and dh mouth, she does this far to regularly thankfully just hayfever.
Also tends to fart on my arm especially after just having boob milk, that happens to much as well.

I'm the last 2 weeks I've been to 2 funerals, plus had someone I regard as family pass, with the funeral being in 2 weeks.

So that, along with being chronically ill and finalising a divorce, it's been a really shitty nasty time.

For the first time in those 2 weeks, last night and this morning I have properly belly laughed. Thank you SO much to each and every one of you for posting.

Please keep them coming, it's occupying my mind brilliantly.

Thank you again xx

Hmm my son insists on 'puppy kisses' so basically licking you... Especially toes the odd poo in the bath ( them not us), raspberry blowing on anything that wobbles and snot wiping in hair....

I know someone who used to keep a sieve by the bath to fish out rogue turds.

DD has always suffered with constipation, when she was 4 months I was changing her on one of those fold down changing tables in a dept store bathroom. She was happily gurgling away, smiling at everyone who looked her way when she needed to go, and started to curl out a long, hard poo. An older lady came over to say how beautiful she was etc, which I had to agree with, despite standing with a baby wipe under her bum, catching the rank sausage.

My son vomited in my eyes when he was a baby. My eyes. I've never quite recovered from the trauma.

DS poos in the bath loads, I think he saves them up for a nice relaxing bath poo.

He also puked on me so dramatically even my pants were soaked.

Oh and he picks his nose and then hands me the findings.

Dd had a rotten cold and runny nose a few months back. Dp went in for a kiss and pulled back to find that they were attached by a 20cm line of snot stretching from dd's nose to his lip.

Eurgh momma woo!!