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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To accept the money? More of a wwyd?

49 replies

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/06/2016 15:21

DS (10) plays out with quite a few local children. He has some attachment issues as I've mentioned before and struggles sometimes socially so I'm desperate for him to learn to socialise which is why I allow him out despite some of the things I'm about to mention.

Usually things are good when playing out but there are some older children who will pick on DS and say things for being a little bit 'different' (he's a lovely lad but can be a bit young for his age and is a bit of an old man at times!) I usually just tell him to ignore these boys which he is getting much better at doing now. He used to come in crying regularly but I have worked on his resilience, equipped him with dismissive but assertive 'come backs' (like 'I don't mind what you think, I like it' if they say something he has is stupid for example).

Recently was his 10th birthday. He wanted a full face bike helmet (we were going dirt biking but he wanted one anyway). These older boys kept telling him he'd look stupid and they wouldn't hang around with him if he got one etc etc etc. He had had his heart set on this but then kept saying he didn't want one after all because these boys (one in particular) would laugh at him. I told him not to be daft and we didn't care about anyone else remember and I was so pleased that he said he still wanted it.

When he got it, I was worried he wouldn't go out in it but he did and I was really impressed. About 10 mins later he came in crying, saying this boy had refused to play with him now because he had the helmet on. I reassured him again and told him to get back out there and he did! Again I was really impressed with him and next time I looked, this boy was asking to try it on!

Fast forward to today. He was out playing again with this group and was sitting chatting. His bike was nearby with his helmet on the handlebars. Next thing, this same boy said 'let's make chips out of X's helmet' and began throwing stones at it. DS came in and showed me-the back of the helmet is all chipped.

I went out and spoke to the boy. I have never done this before preferring to let him deal with things himself but I was so cross. I asked him how he was going to put this right and he said 'not do it again'. I told him this wasn't good enough and that we had to go to his house and speak to his mum. The mum was devastated and kept apologising. She then turned to the son and said 'So how can we replace this? You know we have no money. Where can I get this from?' He said 'you can't'. She apologised again, told the lad he had to go straight to his room and told me she will bring the money round when she has it.

So here's my dilemma. I feel so sorry for this woman-she clearly doesn't have the money and my son when I told him was really upset saying 'please don't make her pay mum. She has no money'. I feel the same so what do I do? Say it doesn't matter? It was £50 and is damaged significantly. I want the lad to realise what he's done but what's the best way to go about this?

Help, you wise MNers!

OP posts:

Thelyingbitchandthewardrobe · 05/06/2016 16:20

I hope you don't mind me asking, but can you afford to replace the helmet easily? If you can, then you buy another one and the boy should pay you a couple of pounds a week. If you can't afford to buy another at the moment, then the other family should replace it and worry about how they are going to deal with that.
Ok she was supportive, but why is a 14 year old picking on a 10 year old? He should know better.

lazarusb · 05/06/2016 16:20

At 14 he's old enough to do a paper round. Maybe he could find one and pay the debt off himself? As it's summer the mornings and evenings are lighter so his mum might be happy to support that?

AyeAmarok · 05/06/2016 16:22

I think you should accept the money. It's for his mum to make him earn it retrospectively, not you.

And if they're struggling then she'll be more likely to make sure he knows not to do it again.

jkdnanny · 05/06/2016 16:23

Sounds like the 14yr olds jealous of your son, especially as it seems his mum is struggling. Not that it excuses the behaviour but it might explain why its your son he always picks on.
It sounds like the mum is genuinely upset and she did react to it. So many people give excuses for their children. She owned it. I wouldn't make her repay it this time.

manicinsomniac · 05/06/2016 16:25

Cynical perhaps but is it possible that this mum said 'how am I going to afford it, you know we've got no money's to her in front of you in the hope that you would feel bad and let him off?

Original poster

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/06/2016 16:26

They all hang around together unfortunately. There's a big back story with DS in that he's always struggled to make friends as he's always been very young and naive and can easily be taken advantage of. People have always 'tolerated' him-at school he just tags along, isn't bullied or left out but is content just to tag along with the group. He absolutely refuses point blank to attend any out of school club but has recently started going to sports club at school once a week which is movement for him so he is getting better! Since we moved here, he has for the first time had people knock on the door asking him to come out, which has done wonders for his self esteem. There are younger children who I have encouraged him to befriend (one boy has been on outings with us most days this week and he has been invited back with them-yippee!) but when we're not out and about which we can't be all the time, he is out and they are in this big group. Most of the time things are ok like I said but I feel I'm punishing DS if I say he can't go out while this boy's there. So tough!

OP posts:

TendonQueen · 05/06/2016 16:33

manic I must admit that had occurred to me too. In that mum's position, I would have apologised and said I would get her the money as soon as possible, then read him the riot act about messing up our finances in private. I do not think OP should feel pressured into sucking up the loss.

ENormaSnob · 05/06/2016 16:40

Damn right id take the money.

Not your problem if they cant afford it. Hopefully the mum will make the boy get a paper round to reimburse her.

miraclebabyplease · 05/06/2016 16:40

She needs to pay for it. It is probably a well rehearsed line. Why shoulf you pay twice for your son's bday present. 14 is old enough to know better.

witsender · 05/06/2016 16:48

I would want the money.Perhaps in installments so it is the boy's pocket money going, if you see what I mean. Chores are only good if you would otherwise be paying someone to do it, if you wouldn't it isn't saving you any money.

Nataleejah · 05/06/2016 17:33

Take the money. Let his mother sort him out herself.

Rachel0Greep · 05/06/2016 17:41

I'd be inclined to leave things as they are, and see if there is any money forthcoming. If the money is produced, I suggest accepting it. It was a sh1tty thing for the teenager to do, especially to a younger child. If you go back saying it's okay, the teenager will have learned nothing whatsoever.

Hissy · 05/06/2016 17:55

What kind of 14yo wants to play with a 10yo.

Round here my ds (10) wouldn't play with teenagers that age.

Your son may struggle to interact socially, but allowing him free rein to run about with teenagers of any description is a recipe for disaster.

Your ds does not need to play with him. The best lesson you can give your son is to teach him that if someone is mean, you don't have to put up with it, if they refuse to play, that's their choice, don't like your bike helmet? GET A LIFE

Find some activities for him to participate in with kids his age, invite kids his age to yours, encourage him to get a posse started.

Hissy · 05/06/2016 17:59

The ban needs to come from this boys mum to her son. He is to leave your son alone, and not to torment him, pick on him or damage his things.

I would be as upset about having fro replace a £50 helmet as she is, I just don't have that kind of cash spare.

I would want to pay you it though, because that's the right thing to do

I think if she wants to pay, you need to let her. Make it easy for her if you like, but I think she needs to pay you for her own peace of mind

PotteringAlong · 05/06/2016 18:03

Do you know she can't pay for it? Or was she just saying it to guilt you into letting her off so she didn't have to?

Original poster

Bocolatechiscuit · 05/06/2016 19:26

While I don't know for certain she can't pay for it, I do believe her. My DS said the daughter went home to ask for some money to go swimming with one of the parents yesterday and came back saying her mum didn't have any money (the parent paid for them all as it happened so she could still go).

I do have to say I'm not 100% certain there will be any money forthcoming though-just a hunch I have but I may be proven wrong!

OP posts:

Dieu · 05/06/2016 19:37

Nasty little fucker. Extremely immature behaviour from a 14 year old too … and he has the cheek to call your son odd! I'd be tempted to leave it, but make it clear that if he so much as looks at your son the wrong way again, you'll be calling the police. Take a photo of the helmet too. Obviously you'll be calling his bluff, but he won't know that.
It sounds like you've done a really good job with your son OP, on teaching him resilience etc. That's not easy to do, and is to be applauded. However, I think you should also work on his self-esteem, so that he sees this boy and others of his ilk as someone he really doesn't have to hang out with.

RubbleBubble00 · 05/06/2016 20:01

I feel for her situation but I'd want the money. it's a tough situation but the only way her son will realise how serious his actions are.

prettywhiteguitar · 05/06/2016 20:11

There is absolutely no way I would be allowing him to go out whilst this boy is there.

I know it's tempting as you want him to have friends but it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

As for the money I would want some to be forthcoming otherwise he will think that you are a pushover, stand up for your son, this mother needs to take account for what he's done.

If you let your son go out and play with him he will think that he can do anything with no consequence.

Medusacascade · 05/06/2016 21:41

take the emotion out of it. A teenager who has been consistently harassing your child damaged a brand new item on purpose.

Make them pay and find new social possibilities. I know your child is keen to tag along because of social difficulties, but it doesn't encourage him to learn how to form healthy relationships with others which is something that will be important for independence.

ReginaBlitz · 05/06/2016 22:21

Your son is 10 and vulnerable it sounds like with his issues, yet you allow him to hang around with 14 year olds? Regardless they should pay, at 14 the kid should know better. Tbh I don't think you will see a penny though so you are stressing for nothing, she obviously said it to keep you quiet.

blueturtle6 · 05/06/2016 22:29

Surely the helmet shouldn't have chipped, can you take it back as not fit for purpose, as it would've had more force from a bike fall than stone thrown?

Itsaplayonwords · 05/06/2016 22:43

If you can afford to replace the helmet I would do the following, especially if the money isn't forthcoming: speak to the mum and give her to option of it being paid back by instalments, ie taken from his pocket money, if that's what she would prefer to do. It's her son so it's down to her to decide how/if she punishes him for this and either way you get your money back.

As your son is feeling anxious about you accepting the money I would talk to him about it and explain that if he damaged something of someone else's, accidentally or on purpose, you would give the money to replace said items as its the right thing to do. Hopefully that will make him understand the necessity but will also make it clear to him that if he were to do something similar in the future the consequences would ultimately fall at your feet.

Peppermintea · 05/06/2016 23:15

Agree tell the boy to work off the debt but just one thing don't go overboard. And don't let your child play with this nasty bully again. When I was a child my mum was desperate for me to play with the others where I grew up but they were bullying me and my mum forced me to go out and play with them all the time. It was so miserable honestly it can be so damaging.

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