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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry

37 replies

Stressedout1980 · 04/06/2016 23:36

My very first partner and I have remained friends since we broke up as teenagers. Because of his job frequently working away/abroad we would sometimes go months without seeing each other.

When we were together he was the nicest, sweetest person and we remained close, helping each other through studying, bereavement etc.

He has been around my daughter since she was 2 years old - as a friend only. He said he wanted more but I wasn't in the same place.

About 12 months ago we were intimate again, he said he wasn't with anyone, could see us being a family. I last saw him in March when he stated over and talked to my now 11 year old daughter about how he would marry me if I said yes.

Today I googled him he missed my birthday for the first time ever, only to find out he's married...

Shocked is an understatement. He's had hundreds of opportunities to tell me but now he's put all sorts of ideas into my daughters head and she thinks he's wondrrful

OP posts:
Just5minswithDacre · 05/06/2016 06:44

I am not angry because I want to be with him, I'm angry because I thought more if him than to cheat on his wife, disrespect her and me and involve my child. He was my friend for years after all and I thought better of him. And of course I didn't let my daughter believe anything was going to happen - what he said to her was unnecessary

So why weren't you angry at the point when he 'put all sorts of ideas in [your] DD's head' then? Confused

Or was it fine with you for her to have the completely wrong idea until now? Hmm

Original poster
Stressedout1980 · 05/06/2016 06:46

We don't live in the same city. We went out when I was 16 - 19yrs. We did what I would do with any other friend - go for a drink, watch a movie but always in my city because of childcare. He was on Facebook until 2010, he took himself off following a bereavement and rejoined. I didn't think anything of it at the time. We talked on the phone but emailed more, especially when he spent months abroad.

He had no reason to lie. We were just friends. I'm angry that he intentionally tried and did initiate things when he was in a relationship/married

OP posts:
Just5minswithDacre · 05/06/2016 06:49

But your OP suggests that you're annoyed about the fact that he's suggested something to your DD that you've now discovered can't happen;

Shocked is an understatement. He's had hundreds of opportunities to tell me but now he's put all sorts of ideas into my daughters head and she thinks he's wondrrful

Just5minswithDacre · 05/06/2016 06:52

TBH, he tried to form a LTR with you nine years ago and you were the one that put it on a FWB footing instead, allowed tour DD to see the mornings after the ONSs, allowed these breakfast conversations to take place and so on.

It's all very contradictory. Did you really think he was just sitting there holding his burning candle for nearly a decade until you were ready? Why the hell were you allowing your DD to see so much of your love life?

Original poster
Stressedout1980 · 05/06/2016 07:06

She didn't see him staying over, she wasn't there. Nor did we have a relationship or love life - he was my friend foremost, she knew him like any other friend make or female.He had the conversation with her and she discussed it with me. Yes, I wasn't happy with what he did and told him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stressedout1980 · 05/06/2016 07:09

For the record, I do not want a relationship with this man. My Aibu was not about how well I knew him but rather to be angry and disappointed with what he did

OP posts:
branofthemist · 05/06/2016 08:26

So she met him as your 'friend' but you were also sleeping together.

Look he is a shit. A total shit. But you are partially responsible. You knew you were sleeping with this man. You knew he was spending time with your daughter under the guise of 'a friend'. You knew he wanted more. You knew he was saying he would marry you to your Dd. You didn't nip it in the bud.

You am carried in a FWB relationship with someone you knew wanted to a proper relationship with you. Sounds like he would have dropped his wife of you would have said yes.

Whatever happened, it wasn't going to end well.

Original poster
Stressedout1980 · 05/06/2016 09:34

We were intimate once, not in a FWB. My daughter knew nothing of it. She only new him as my friend, one that I had known for years. Following what he said, nothing else happened, my choice. I 'nipped it in the bud

Like a pp said...I am glad he's not my shit to deal with, I'm just angry and disappointed he would do that.

OP posts:
mumcantmakeadecision · 05/06/2016 09:49

So over a year ago you had a ons? He could have been split from his wife. Tbh he hasn't done anything wrong, he wanted you at a certain point that you didn't want him. Sounds like you are pissed that your ego boost has vanished.

finnmcool · 05/06/2016 10:00

I think it's odd that he never mentioned being in a relationship or married.
To me, that is just dishonest and I would wonder at the motivation for that.
Good job you weren't romantically interested in him.

purplefox · 05/06/2016 11:02

Were you in contact during the time when he got married/engaged? So weird that he wouldn't tell you if you were just friends and in contact at that point.

Dieu · 05/06/2016 13:00

Of course he should have told you that he was married. It's not the kind of detail one can leave out or conveniently forget! YANBU.

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