Grandparents refusing carers and i can't take it anymore!

[CraigN24]

I have posted similar before however it's all happened again and it's getting a lot worse, I don't know how much more I can take :(

Because of this I feel like I am failing at being a dad and failing at being a boyfriend!

My grandad got rushed into hospital a few weeks ago and we got told he wouldn't make it, but by a miracle he managed to beat the odds and is now home however he is extremely weak and unsteady on his feet.

My grandad lives at home with my gran and she is becoming unbearable..

My grandad is really struggling to get around and stay awake... I have to go up In the mornings to get him out of bed ,give him a wash and get breakfast for both of them. I then get kicked out. My gran will then phone up a few times + a day asking ( demanding) for different things from the shops and I have to rush the things up straight away.
I also get asked to do the house work at a time that fits around their TV programs ( When my son is asleep!.. So he has to sleep in his buggy at theirs so I can get the jobs done!)

When grandad is awake and I get a chance to talk to my grandad she snaps and tells him to " shut up" and it isn't fair because he gets all the attention and no one " cares about her" At night I have to return to cook their evening meals because my gran " can't manage it'" and then return later to give my grandad another wash and put him back to bed..... Before it all starts again the next day! ( I have suggested meals delivered to their door and ready meals, they don't want it.. They want my cooking!)

I have suggested getting a carer in to help them but they refuse, they say they don't want a stranger in their house ( I understand!) but sometimes we need extra support.. And they do!

My son(7) has a wide range of learning difficulties( working at roughly 12-18 months ) and it isn't fair for him to be rushed around all the time, he doesn't understand what's going on and it's making him very upset when we go out :( I also have MS and it's making me exhausted, when I am not rushing around I am asleep!

It is also affecting my relationship with my partner, he came down last weekend ( long distance relationship) and I didn't get a chance to spend any time with him at all because I was too busy rushing around! :(

I am extremely grateful they're both here but it's so difficult!

What can I do when someone is refusing carers? I don't know much more I can take before my body just gives up!

I have suggested getting a carer in to help them but they refuse, they say they don't want a stranger in their house (

We all want things, that doesn't mean we have to be given them. I guarantee your grandparents will have said this either to you or to your parents at some stage. Being old and frail does not given them the right to have everything they want.

If you keep on trying to do so much by yourself, you will become ill and/or there will be a terrible accident. trust me, this has happened very recently in my family.

It's horrible having to say no in situations like this, but the alternative is also pretty grim.

From what I recall from your other threads, I think you are also carer for your son, as well as being a single parent? It is too much for you to care for your grandparents as well, particularly given your own health problems. Please contact SS and tell them you are not able to care for your grandparents. It will be difficult for you to care for your son if your health goes downhill.

Firstly contact their GP(s) and tell them you're no longer able to support your grandparents; there should be a Community Matron who needs to visit them and assess their needs. The CM will be able to trigger a Social Services referral.
Secondly tell your grandparents that as if x date you will no longer be doing everything for them.
Thirdly start being infinitely more 'selfish' and work out what you can do eg. visit once a week/fortnight/month, tell them that this is how it's going to be.

It won't be easy for you but carrying on as you have been is unsustainable.

You don't have to do any of that at all. You choose to.
My grandmother expected my DM to keep running round after her, but on the verge of a nervous breakdown she finally said no and my gm went into a care home. The relief was immediate.
Their needs do not trump yours. If they can afford care they must start spending and if not, the state will contribute.
Time to make a stand. I have seen these situations go on for years!

It's always difficult to put yourself first, so let's rephrase it-
you need to look after your son's dad.

Agree with all PPs. Stop. Doing, Everything.
You are amazing doing all this, unassisted, for so long. But it's time to stop throwing yourself under the bus.

Can I be honest with you OP. And I speak as someone who has seen/lived through it for the most part of my life a good 30 years. It took my grandma dying for me to realise how much I did for her, and how much time I had back to myself to enjoy MY life.

Ill also put money on the fact that as soon as you stop stressing and fussing around them your own health will improve dramatically. I suffered from severe neck pain for years, to the point where each day I would be in agony moving my neck, no dr could find anything wrong with me and every one of them told me it was stress. A few weeks after she'd died I realised I hadnt had any neck pain at all for a few weeks. (Not to sound so flippant though obviously Im still upset, but just want to point out how much stress you are placing on yourself).

I strongly urge you to get a care package in place and if they get upset and refuse then step away until they back down. Call their bluff if you have to put don't put yourself through this any longer.

Looking after my grandad affected the health of both of my parents. In the end it came to a head one night when yet again he fell out of bed and my parents between them couldn't lift him up. He was moved to a home that could meet his needs.

You need to say enough is enough. You have been heroic in looking after them, yourself and your son, but your son is now your priority. You need to concentrate on him and yourself, so I echo others in saying take the advice and get additional care in for your grandparents.

I'm afraid this is VERY common with elderly people who badly need help but won't have carers in, and are apparently unable to understand the strain they are putting on family. Does either of them have dementia? Because it's very common for people with dementia to believe they can manage everything, when in fact they can barely make themselves a cup of tea.

It is very hard, but the only thing you can do is step back, and inform social services that they are 'vulnerable' and 'at risk'. (The buzzwords for getting help). However SS are also unable to force carers on anybody, unless they have been shown to lack mental capacity.

Sometimes elderly people will listen to 'the doctor says...' (doctor being = to God) so it may help to either enlist the help of their GP, or else to tell them the doctor has said they MUST have help (whether s/he has or not). And don't feel bad about fibbing, if you have to!

Some people with this problem have got round it by saying that the carer really needs a 'little job' so they would be doing them a favour. Might just be worth a try...

Can they not get meals delivered, meals on wheels or something?

Also I'm pretty sure someone like yourself could have power of attorney if they are incapable of making good decisions?

You can't carry on like this, it's too much for anyone, let alone for a person with a dependent child and a life-limiting condition.

First, ring SS and talk to someone in the vulnerable adults section. Don't tell them that you can help out as they'll thankfully leave it to you (their time, personnel and budgets are always stretched) so simply don't. You can't do it any more, your child needs you, your own condition is deteriorating and so on - lay it on thick. Do tell them that your gm is uncooperative but she really can't manage, and that your gf is ill.

You are going to have to stop running about. If you deteriorate to the point where you become exhausted and bedridden (I have ms and I know what that's like) what will happen to your boy, and what will happen to you? No, put yourself first now, as you and your child both need you to be as well as you can be.

Work out a schedule that suits you - I mean one that doesn't stretch you or exhaust you or even inconvenience you. You really do have to think about you. Who would look after your son if you were incapacitated? You really do have to look after yourself first.

Say no. That's the hardest part, but the most important. Maybe your gm will understand that you are becoming ill and have to stop and maybe she won't; you have to stop either way.

You are clearly an incredibly kind, generous person and this will be hard. Keep badgering SS, get the names of everyone you speak to and make notes of calls. Sometimes the person you're trying to get care for turns out incredibly relieved once the first barrier falls. I would go for the cleaner first.

What would they do if you didn't live close by?

It has to stop - because you keep doing what they ask, they keep asking.

A social services assessment would be a good idea - make sure you're there to deflect any "Craig can do everything" comments.

I think you need to explain you need others to be involved in their care and could this be kicked off by you perhaps having a short break with your DS and partner therefore forcing the issue of them needing other help

Do they have other children/grandchildren - is their a reason the bulk of things are falling to you

I'm pretty sure someone like yourself could have power of attorney if they are incapable of making good decisions?

The threshold for getting a Court of Protection deputyship is a hell of a lot higher than "incapable of making good decisions".

From one MSer to another, you must stop or you will make yourself so I'll you won't be able to care for your son. Could you tell your grandparents your MS team has insisted you rest?

You need to contact the local social services department and ask for them to do a full community care assessment and for you to have a carer's assessment. They are obliged to do these things as soon as an adult in need is brought to their attention - they cannot say no.

If only it were that simple. They wil have to obtain their permission and of course they will say no. We have had the same thing with my Fil. We have asked and asked for assessments and they say he has to give his consent, which he won't do. His social workers hands are tied.

Incidentally we set up a housekeeper for him and he wouldn't let her in. We threatened him with a care home but we would need power of attorney over his finances in order to pay for it and he won't give it to us.

He is now back under the care of the home treatment team but their resources are so stretched it's a joke.

He apparently once told his social sorker that he'd like to live with one of his sons. Over my dead fucking body is that narcissistic old twat living with us.

You keep saying have to a lot. You don't have to. Your first responsibilities are to yourself and your son.

I suggest you sit down with a pen and a piece of paper and work out exactly what you would be ok doing and on what days and at what times that suits you. Cut it back A LOT from even what you think you can manage. And definitely write it down and you are clear in your own mind about what you are offering.

Then sit down with your gran and grandad and explain how this is impacting on you and outline what it is that you are still prepared to do and write it all down for then so they are clear. Tell them that these new arrangements will start in two weeks time so they have some time to think about who is going to do everything else. Tell them that if they would like you to arrange for a social work assessment then you will do this, but that apart from that you aren't sorting out who will cover the rest of the jobs you have been doing.

Then every day for the next two weeks remind them "don't forget from a week on Monday I will only be doing those things on the list ". If your gran attempts to persuade you to do more just be firm and say "sorry no" - don't enter into a long discussion with her about it.

Then when the two weeks is up - stick to it. If your gran rings you and says they can't cope assess whether what she wants is really necessary and if it say to her that you will come but only on the condition that you arrange an assessment of their care needs. If she's not prepared to agree to that then it clearly isn't that urgent so don't go.