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Original poster

My husband has changed from the man I married how do I change him back

28 replies

Wrinklesandspotstoo · 04/06/2016 10:17

dh sleeps in every weekend without exception unless I make very specific plans that he knows about and wants to do. When I say sleeps in I mean until mid day at least. Then still comes down in his pjs. Hes tired all the time. Won't see a gp. He's heading for 40 and me mid 30s. We have a 17yo.

We have great family holidays. Go out for dinners etc but I spend hours by myself lonely at weekends. It's a physical impossibility for me to sleep in.

I do go out and do things by myself etc but I am now becoming jealous of my friends and their partners with common interests. Other than holidays we have none. I know I'm a long way off retirement but it's scaring me that it will be as lonely as my weekends. He used to be more fun and outgoing. He used to be adventurous. I confronted him and said that if he'd presented himself as he is now I probably wouldn't have considered marrying him and he said that he knows that! He behaves like we're mates! No romance at all. If I ask for a shoulder massage it's a massive chore. Never compliments me. Tells me he loves me but I tell my mother that too! Doesn't feel like an intimate love.

Sometimes I feel like I really love him and others I just resent him for making me lonely! Is this normal after this long? I'm feeling stuck and old when I'm not! I don't know what to do because I have told him so he knows... To the point of crying and telling him how lonely I am so he knows. Things then improve for a couple of weeks but I'm sick of this cycle.

Any tips from experience? Has anyone been here (this has been going on for over 3 years now maybe longer) btw even after 2 week holidays he's still too tired to get out of bed!

Help and advice needed!

OP posts:
branofthemist · 04/06/2016 11:00

There are a lot of issues here.

Personally I think telling him he can't sleep in is a bit off. How would you like it if he told you, you must sleep in.

Fair enough if you have plans and he needs to get up. But people have different body clocks. I got to bed early and get up early. Dh is the opposite. We just get on with it.
If we have plans a night I'll force myself to stay up later, if we have plans for early morning he drags himself up. Other wise we just get on with it.

The rest of it sound like you are I a rut. Have you considered counselling as a couple?

bluecashmere · 04/06/2016 11:04

Do you think he might be suffering from depression?

Or are there problems in the relationship that he's hiding from? Years ago I would do something similar. My OH would get up early and because we had such a small flat I would stay in bed to have my own space but it actually made me miserable and the more I slept the tireder I got.

In response to your question, I suspect you already know you're not going to be able to change him unless he wants to change.

I hope you manage to get to the bottom of this.

Original poster
Wrinklesandspotstoo · 04/06/2016 11:08

My point is he was never like this when we met, or for the few years we dated. It's a recent (ish) thing. Our relationship wouldn't have gotten off the ground if his body clock and overall enthusiasm was as it is now so whilst I agree dragging him out of bed every weekend isn't the answer but the incompatible sleep routine is killing things.

OP posts:
HackerFucker22 · 04/06/2016 11:09

Does he work?

FranHastings · 04/06/2016 11:10

My Dad behaves like this and my Mum is so lonely as a result. They don't do anything together, because he gets up at 12 and then he takes himself off for a 3hr walk. She's up at 7 and ready to go. It's really sad. My Dad does suffer with depression and other health issues, but of your husband won't see the Gp, what can you do?

I really feel for you. I know from my Mum how frustrating and upsetting it is.

FranHastings · 04/06/2016 11:11

Does he stay up late too? Or go to bed at a normal time?

dowhatnow · 04/06/2016 11:13

I think you need to find things to do for yourself in that time rather than relying on him to fill your whole life.

Original poster
Wrinklesandspotstoo · 04/06/2016 11:13

He works hard. We both do and always have. Mixture of going to bed early and sometimes staying up. We generally keep to the same bed time.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 04/06/2016 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FATEdestiny · 04/06/2016 11:23

He provably needs to se his GP regarding being tired all the time

Can you arrange to do things together at a time you are both happy to do something - early evening or Saturday afternoons for example. Make weekly "dates" at these times, it see if you can agree on a joint hobby to do together weekly (?)

Regarding weekend mornings - what could you do to feel less lonely that doesn't involve your DH? Could you develop a regular activity to do so you are not stuck on your own?

Unless this is indicative of overarching martial problems, then you can't really compare how he is now to how he'll be when retired. It's amazing how much of a burden is lifted when you no longer need to work and all of your time is your own.

No longer working is a very different beast (with its own issues I should add) than the weekends during your working life.

Original poster
Wrinklesandspotstoo · 04/06/2016 11:24

Our sexlife is ok. My own instigation. He appears to be able to take it or leave it.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 04/06/2016 11:29

Is he unhealthy? Drinking too much? Very overweight?

Does he have any interests outside work?

Does he like his job?

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 04/06/2016 11:31

Couldn't sound more like depression if he had a big sign on his head saying depression.

blueshoes · 04/06/2016 11:35

Get his bloods checked.

joeythenutter · 04/06/2016 11:40

He does sound depressed. Sounds a bit like my OH. But he does show affection. He will lie in on weekends to midday also, but I use this time to do things as he's out of the way as such.

Get him a doc's app and encourage him to go. I had to take mine to the doc's and go in with him to get him on meds.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 04/06/2016 11:42

Depression or an earlyish mid-life crisis.He needs to see GP or a counsellor. But it sounds as though you're dealing with this by criticising him. That's rarely a productive route in relationships! Have you tried asking him if he is happy, enjoying life, feeling fulfilled? Is he content with his work-life balance? Does he enjoy his job? Does he feel that life is good?

TheWindInThePillows · 04/06/2016 11:45

There may be something driving his tiredness, or it may just be low-level depression/opting out of life.

I do get very tired on the weekends, and don't want to go on huge adventures (work f/t, have caring responsibilities) but I'm happy to go out for lunch, to the cinema, the odd day out.

It is worth checking at drs though, does he have sleep apnoea, sleeping difficulties, some underlying condition? There's loving your bed and working hard, but his apathy sounds beyond that.

tiggytape · 04/06/2016 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EveryoneElsie · 04/06/2016 12:14

Its unreasonable for him to refuse to see the GP. There are so many medical conditions this could be. I couldnt live like that.
Its bad being lonely on your own but worse being lonely in a couple IMO. Flowers

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 04/06/2016 12:15

Does he work long hours? Strange or differing shift patterns? Has he a lot of stress or worry at work? Is he the reliable type who always volunteers for extra responsibility?
If so he's not doing his health any good by not taking time to relax, maybe his staying in bed late is his way of coping. Maybe he's anaemic. I know from experience how difficult it is to get a man to go to the GP, even if serious illness is staring them in the face.

If it is just a case of different body clocks I guess you could grin and bear it. In many marriages the couple just 'jog along' together with a low level of disappointment but it doesn't necessarily mean that it's time to leave.

imjessie · 04/06/2016 12:20

He sounds tired to me , if I didn't have to get up at the weekends I wouldn't ! I have a small ds with sn as well as an older dd so I have to but given the choice I would stay there . I'm a size 10 and go to the gym 4/5 times a week . I jsit like sleep , I'm nearly 42 and it's got harder and harder to get up in the morning as I've got older . I agree you must be lonely though .

Keithyoustink · 04/06/2016 12:24

Just to repeat about getting some blood tests - I was constantly exhausted with low level depression and blood tests showed I had vitamin d deficiency. I have felt considerably better with more energy since I've started taking supplements.

Marynary · 04/06/2016 14:46

I think he should see his GP if he is tired all the time as obviously he could be physically unwell or depressed. It is quite childish of you to feel lonely because he isn't up in the morning though. If he wants to sleep why can't you do something by yourself? It isn't nice at all for you to tell him that you wouldn't have married him if he was as he is now. If DH said that to me I would tell him to pack is bags.

Original poster
Wrinklesandspotstoo · 04/06/2016 14:51

I regularly do things by myself. Most of the time it doesn't bother me. The point is I do have a husband, I'm not single and would occasionally like him to surface before lunch to make more of the weekends. I want to spend time with him, not have him be my entertainer.

OP posts:
Mishaps · 04/06/2016 14:53

He needs checking for illness - depression, anaemia etc.

But if it is just how he is then you have to choose which direction you go in. You could leave him as he does not fit expectations; you could try to change him (good luck!); or you could adapt your life to it.

My OH is a bit like this - always has been - I have initiated every activity, organised every holiday etc. I just accept that and get off my arse and go out and do stuff that I enjoy with friends or adult children. I know that feeling that everyone else seems to be doing things as a couple, but what is the point in pressing him to do something he does not want to? - he won't be great company. We have sufficient in common (3 children and 7 GC for a start!) and we share a great love of them. It's all about compromise. When we choose a mate, we cannot have everything for all time.