To perhaps not go to friend's hen weekend?

[Mammylamb]

One of my closest friends is getting married in December. I'm one of three bridesmaids, but I don't know the other two very well. One of the other bridesmaids is organising a hen weekend abroad. The thing is, she is young and single with lots of disposable income, whereas dh and I are living on one wage at the moment. Would it be unreasonable to say I simply cannot go?? Dh said that I really need to go as I'm a bridesmaid. But a weekend away (flights, hotel, spending money) would really make a dent in our savings which I want to keep for emergencies as money will be tight for the next few years. I don't really understand what is wrong with a loca

What I hate about these type of events is the inevitable pressure people feel - or are made to feel - about attending.

There is no other circumstance where it would be seem as acceptable to coerce friends into spending hundreds or even thousands of pounds.

OP - I'd have a word with the Bride. From what you have said, she might not be happy about this idea anyway and may well decide she would prefer something local, especially it that means everyone can attend.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago.
It started as a day activity for about £50. I have to admit, I thought it was something I'd probably hate, but I'd have sucked it up and slapped a smile on my face, had it not escalated.
I wasn't allowed to drive down, we all had to get the train together. Add on about £60. Then it turned into a three day jolly, add on £100 for the hotel, plus food and I was told to make sure I had plenty of cash available for drinking!
Now technically I could have afforded it. I had enough money in the bank, just about. However, I had no intention of wiping out what savings I had at the time for the sake of a pissy weekend I'd hate. I was honest about it.
The upshot was that whilst I was still a bridesmaid I was pretty much cut out of everything from then on. The friendship didn't survive in the long term.
It doubly pissed me off as my own "hen do" the year before had been a no pressure Virgin Vie party and a Chinese takeaway. I paid for that. One of my bridesmaids had a mini strop and insisted on a night out clubbing too, which I hate, but I went along with it to keep her happy. Same bridesmaid became the bride in my above story. Sigh.

I should add - I was honest, but diplomatically so. I wasn't rude, which my post seems to imply!

Weddings breed madness. I didn't want a hen do at all but we ended up having a picnic in a local park which was actually nice then wandering into town and having dinner. No silly props, just a nice afternoon.
Tell them you can afford it full stop.

I know someone who is on their third hen do.

....having been married twice previously as opposed to having three hen dos I should add. Makes a mockery of all this last night of freedom crap.

My hen do was at my house then onto the local boozer/town. I don't get this extravagant hen do saga. It feels like you aren't a proper friend if you don't attend and pay 500+ for doing so.

Don't feel guilty for being upfront about not being able to afford it. Your circumstances are different to hers. Maybe others won't afford it either.

Don't go. I am in a similar position, just got back from a 3 day hen do which cost me £400. I am on maternity leave and have a 4 month old baby. Should never have left her. Bride told me when I was pregnant that I didn't have to go but I felt compelled to as I am a bridesmaid.

Be honest and back out now before they start costing up things with you in the numbers. I wish I had.

I didn't have a hen do because I hate flim-flam and fuss.
DH didn't have a stag either because he didn't want one.
If anyone ever dare ask me to be their "head bridesmaid" AKA administrative director of her family and friends and sole responsibility for the bride to be's delicate nerves for months leading up to wedding, they will get a strong thanks but no thanks.

Say something ASAP. You don't have to go. A recent hen do I went on I'd say 50% invited declined because of the cost. It was £200 including 2 nights accommodation, all food and most drink.

The bride had asked for a weekend away in UK with activities. But the bridesmaid did say that if she'd realised so many people wouldn't be able to come she'd have just done 1 night or maybe even a day/ night out and no overnight.

So many other of the girls might be thinking the same thing. It might not seem like much money to the person organising, but she needs to know it's too much for you

I feel your pain. I wasn't fussed about a hen do and so my sister (MOH) and mum planned something local. It. Was. Awesome.

A close friend got married and her hen do involved a 5 day jolly abroad. She was so upset I couldn't go but I was 30 weeks pregnant and very aware that money would be tight in the near future.

I thought hen dos were a send off not an excuse for an extra holiday

I'm in a similar awkward position right now except I'm not a bridesmaid. Close friend is getting married abroad and it's going to cost a fair bit to attend.

Hen do was supposed to be in the town we live so those travelling for the wedding didn't have to pay out twice. However, the hen is now a really naff activity in a city several hours away necessitating hotel and travel costs.

It's going to cost a couple of hundred to go and I can't afford it as I'm on maternity leave. Frankly the idea of going even if I had the money fills me with dread. I'm not even sure the bride will enjoy the planned activity as its really awful.

I want to decline but DH says I have to go as bride is a close mate. It's left me feeling s bit annoyed as its going to set me back over a grand for this wedding and hen do now.

You don't have to, Northcountry. If everyone started saying no, perhaps these things would slowly get back to normality again. I do think collectively we need to start putting brides and grooms back in their box, so to speak. Not the sensible ones, just the ones who seem to think that getting married is their shot at being a celebrity or something....

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say I am very happy for people getting married. It's lovely. I like people being in love and happy. All good. And the wedding day is very important. To them. To the rest of us? It'll be one of a number we attend in any given year. I don't want to spend hundreds on their hen do, I don't want to spend hundreds on attending the wedding, I don't give even a mouse sized shit about the colour scheme, the favours, the bridesmaid dresses, the flowers......and if I am hungry, empty of glass, cold or uncomfortable that is the only thing I will remember about the day....which isn't relevant to hen dos as such but I think the value of the look of the event rather than the experience of the guests is all part and parcel of the same overblown approach to the whole thing.

It's a real shame that one of your 'closest friends', the bride, has not considered all of her bridesmaids circumstances before planning the hen do. These days it's so over the top. By the time you've had the Hen do and wedding you're skint.

Well said alconleigh absolutely!

Yes very well said.

The hen do I'm invited to is one of the surprise ones arranged by bridesmaids. I don't know what the bride would think And I can't even tell her why I won't be going.

I couldn't agree more with what alconleigh posted. Don't go!

the wisest words ever said on a wedding thread

alconleigh i salute you
and if I am hungry, empty of glass, cold or uncomfortable that is the only thing I will remember about the day

If it's still being planned then speak up now! If it becomes apparent that it's a choice between going abroad or having everyone there then the bridesmaid might well change her plans.

I've never been on a 'big trip' hen do, and didn't really want a hen do. My friend talked me into having a day out (including a museum!), some food and some drinks, and I'm so glad she did. We're past the stage of life where we have big group outings all the time, and we sort of do need excuses to get together. My hen was probably the first time I'd seen all my university friends in one place in about five years. So I do see the point of a hen, and I'm glad I had one, but it's all about the people, so plans should change to facilitate people, not the other way round!