Advice you wish you had from the beginning

[Cintacmrs123]

Found myself the only 2nd time mum on the Post Natal Ward and ended up advising the other mum and realized that the books and blogs are helpful and sometime not (I had a 1st time mum almost in tears as she could not get her baby into a routine, I pointed out he was 24hrs old and that routines rarely work)
I am trying to get a list together of Advice Gems mums have picked up, that they wished they had known before birth or in this case just after-

-A change in formula from say Cow and Gate to SMA can make a big difference to how the child feeds (i.e they just may not like the formula)

• Just trust your instincts
• if a boy stops crying while his nappy is being changed , he is going to wee (men cant multi task)
• look at the babies lips if they are discolored he still has wind
• dont be afraid to ask, there is no such thing as a stupid question and if you get a odd look blame it on baby brain
• if breastfeeding get Lanolin and use it
• you can never have enough sick bibs/muslin
• buy baby grows with built in scratch mittens that open down the front (not at the bottom)

What advice would you give?

It's all going to be ok. Just care for your baby how you want to, do what works for now and don't worry about 'later' or 'rods for backs'. Everything's a phase.

The love sometimes comes later. I didn't feel much about my newborn other than a strong protective instinct and a lot of anxiety and regret. Suddenly at about six months or so I realised I did love him. Now at 18 months I love him so much I can't believe it.

With all things you are trying to achieve whether it be preferred Birth plan, sleeping, weaning, breatfeeding - the baby HAS NOT read the same book as you and may not fit it the mold you want it to. A failure to do these things is not a failure on your part and do not take personally, it is simply how it is.
Be kind to yourself about the things you cannot control.

Sudacrem does not come out of anything.

You can plan how you're going to parent all you like, but babies haven't read the books and they're all different. What works for one won't necessarily work for another, so go with what works for you and your baby.

Happy mum= happy baby.
If something isn't working and is getting you down as a mum you can change it. If breastfeeding is causing you to resent your baby thats unhealthy and mix feeding might help. If cosleeping enables you to not be as sleep deprived try it. If you want to sit in the house and watch tv whilst baby sleeps on you then do it, if you want to be out of the house with adult company and cake then do that!

Try not to feel pressured to be a certain kind of mum. Just do the best you can. It is just a phase and it will pass

That there isn't really a shortcut to getting to know your baby. Sometimes the first thing you try will work like a dream, but usually there will be a lot of trial and error. Doesn't mean there is some genius out there who always gets it right first time.

Trusting your instincts is just as difficult as any other way.

Everything above with an emphasis on the fact that breastfeeding can take for hours and hours and hours.

That it's OK to be firm with HCPs post natally, you can insist on pain relief you can insist on care and you can insist on full explanations for things. Antenatally, you can make corrections in your hand held notes and ask for confirmation that this has also been corrected in your hospital notes. If at any time you do not feel confident about the care you are receiving you can ask for a different, doctor, midwife, health visitor.

Your baby will not remember the less than perfect birth or the fact that breast feeding didn't work out. Motherhood is about far far more than that.

Breast feeding shouldn't hurt.
Not all babies cluster feed (mine never have).

it hurt for the first few weeks for me, and I had an army of midwives, BF supporters and lactation consultants checking my latch and everything was fine. It just hurt. Then after a few weeks it stopped. Maybe that's not everyone's experience but I have spoken to enough mothers who have had the same experience (particularly the first minute of so of I feed being toe-curlingly painful) to know I'm not on my own. And nipples can just get a bit sore until they 'toughen up'.

Not every baby cluster feeds but if I'd known it was 'A Thing' rather than panicking and offering formula after the baby was still hungry after a seemingly endless feed then I might not have had to carry on with formula top ups for my entire time BFing.

Don't slather lanisoh all over your areolas just before feeding the baby, as it's slippery and could cause the baby's mouth to slide down the breast although initially latched on correctly, so you end up nipple feeding instead of breast feeding. Either remove it before a feed, or apply to the nipples only. It is great stuff.

Although I'd been warned about cluster feeding the reality was pretty overwhelming, and it's really easy to think the baby isn't getting enough milk. It goes on for HOURS.

Ignore any advice that contains the word 'should'...

Dummies!

I hated them, thought they looked chav, felt all superior that my baby didn't have one.
I was also knackered, my baby would scream for hours, even if I was holding her, all night, and would only stop if she had my boob in her mouth. I couldn't function properly and it got to the point I wasn't safe to look after her because I was so tired. It actually never occurred to me to try a dummy. Somebody gave me one and it completely changed our life's. Baby slept so wasn't tired and grumpy anymore, same for me. I can't believe I was so stupid to put us both through months of hell rather than give her a dummy. My mil was appalled by the sight of her sucking a dummy but she can fuck right off.

Midwives and health visitors DO NOT know your baby as well as you do. I wish I had listened to my instincts in the first couple of weeks and not the MW.

Your baby change bag needs to be big if you want to take your crap out with you too (just replaced mine as it was too small)

Spend your time enjoying your newborn. They won't be small for long. It's also ok not to enjoy elements of your baby

Another one - never say never to ANYTHING! Be it dummies, formula feeding, cosleeping, not cosleeping. DH and I really didn't want to use a dummy. With DD1 we were lucky enough not to need it. It was a lifesaver with DD2 for 2 weeks before she started refusing it

if a boy stops crying while his nappy is being changed , he is going to wee (men cant multi task)
I have a four week old boy and I wish I had clicked this before...

Thank you!

Mum guilt is a thing, it starts the second your baby is born and lasts for ever.

Also enjoy them, even when they are being little buggers and you don't like them much.

In a blink of any eye you'll turn round and they're off to uni and all grown up.

Which also means you've done ok and you've managed to bring up well rounded human beings no matter what was thrown at you.

"Breast feeding shouldn't hurt."

Exactly what bubbins and me were told I suspect!

I've NEVER spoken to anyone who's bf and it's not hurt at least initially it's a new thing for that skin and that part of the body and I'm convinced

Breast feeding shouldn't hurt.

Is why far more women give up than want to! It's shit advice and makes women think they're 'doing it wrong'.

It also ties in with phineys 'never listen to advice that contains the word should' that also applies to advice that says should not/shouldn't!

You shouldn't use dummies
You shouldn't co-sleep
You shouldn't feed to sleep etc etc ad nauseum

Very sound advice from Annandale.

That they are telling the truth when they they say that for most people breastfeeding gets easier. But it may take weeks rather than days.

That they are telling the truth when they say the whole shebang gets easier. But it may take months rather than weeks.

That when they say it goes by quickly they are right...and what this actually means is that amazing newborn scrunchiness goes within weeks. So it's ok to spend time staring at them.

Don't compare yourself to any real or imagined others. If you have a high needs baby this is especially important.

It is really ok to feel fine about someone else taking care of your baby. If you are lucky enough that someone you trust wants to take your baby for a couple of hours, AND you feel secure enough to realise that everyone will be fine, then DO IT. Because being a martyr is no fun and the baby won't remember all you gave up for him/her!

Ditto small children. They like to run in packs. If you are always there, they don't necessarily get the freedom they need to explore other dynamics. I mean, don't abandon them in dangerous situations but it's not the end of the world if you are not micromanaging their every second.

-Ban all visitors bar grandparents (if appropriate) for the first 24 hours.

• If you can't or don't want to BF its not the end of the world. I have two strapping kids who had SMA gold but had a bitch of a health visitor who made me feel like a failure for being unable to BF. 18 months of PND - thanks knob head!

• Invest in some Bepanthen for nappy rash. Fantastic for dry skin too!

-FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS. A midwife, health visitor or GP might have been in the medical profession for x amount of years, but no one knows your baby better than you. Not even your mother in law!

Simple Solution pet stain remover is great for getting baby vomit out of the carpet and it covers the cheesy smell.
Bf hurt for the first few weeks for me too. I gave up too easily with ds1, I just couldn't get comfortable and I didn't understand about cluster feeding. I did succeed with ds2, plenty of lansinoh on after each feed, a good breastfeeding pillow and the ability to ignore all the silly sods who thought something was wrong as it was "only two hours!" after his last feed.
I love lansinoh cream. I still have some, it's great for really stubborn dry skin and eczema. I put it on my youngest childs chin when he had chickenpox as all the dribble he produced prevented it from healing up. It seemed to help.
In the early days, don't let anyone in who isn't bringing food and make them make their own drinks.
Sit and sniff their little newborn head as much as possible! The lovely newborn smell doesn't last.

If you bottle feed and hot sterilise, get bottle tongs. I burnt the tips of my fingers more times than I care to remember taking them out!

Do what works for you. Don't make yourself miserable because you believe something you are doing is better. I'm talking about things like breastfeeding, not giving dummies, co-sleeping.

You don't get a medal for ANY part of being a parent but PND (and just generally life being hard) can be a very real part of some women's lives. If breastfeeding hurts, then consider bottle feeding. If your baby sleeps better in your bed, consider co-sleeping.

So many times there are threads on here from women tearful because their nipples are bleeding they haven't slept in a week but because breast is best they don't want to give up. Don't sacrifice your own wellbeing.

Also, remember that letting a baby cry is not the same as making a baby cry!

Weleda Calendula cream is brilliant for even bad nappy rash. I am a total homeopathy avoider so Weleda isn;t on my radar (though I think this one is herbal rather than homeopathic...can't remember). When a friend told me about it I was but she is like me and persuaded me to give it a go. I highly recommend it.

BFing hurt for 12 wks with DS.
BFing DD was painfree from day 1.

good phrases for talking to medical professionals:

• I'm not happy with that
• What are my options

Do what works for you.

Hand expressing milk is about a hundred times easier and less painful with lanolin. As is breastfeeding. Other creams don't work.

Also, you cannot trust anyone to help you except the father, or other people with small babies. Everyone else has long forgotten how fragile babies are and even normally sensible, trustworthy people will do any number of dumb things, such as letting their children 'practice' picking up the baby, letting their dog lick its face, and giving it dangerous things to play with.

If the health visitor tells you to soak your body with episiotomy stitches in a fucking bath, don't do it. Why would you want to soak a healing wound in water? I'm sure that's why my stitches popped...

Lastly, don't let the dad leave the hospital 'to get some rest' after you give birth. (Midwives advice!) You are the one that needs rest, not him.

You don't always get that rush of love when your baby is first born.

I never did with my pfb. It grew gradually. I did with psb and though logically I know I shouldn't be but I always feel guilty about it