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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put DS in nursery on a days when me and dp are home

27 replies

Abbinob · 01/06/2016 13:30

Ds goes to nursery in the mornings at, 9-12. Free 15 hours 2 year old thing
Me and dp both work ut we work on different days, he's does 4 and I do 3. If we have to both work the weekend my mum has ds. I've o ly been working a few months.
Wibu to put DS in a different nursery for 2 days from 9-3 (his only does mornings) so we have a chance to catch up on stuff?
We could get tax credits towards this but I'm having a bit of a dilemma as to whether that's an ok thing to do or not? We don't NEED the childcare as me dp work shifts around eachother but at the moment I'm really struggling with keeping on top of everything at home and getting mega stressed out.
I'm a bit weary of getting stressed out because last year I had some kind of breakdown thing that was awful and went on for months (psychotic depression + OCD seems the most likely explanation but I haven't yet been back to gp since the first time )
I notice the OCD stuff gets a lot worse the more stressed I get so a day a week to do stuff would be a massive help (dp would have the other day)
Is that OK? Or morally not really to claim tax credits for childcare you don't NEED

OP posts:

Original poster

Abbinob · 01/06/2016 13:30

Sorry forgot to mention, the mornings don't really help as I have to walk him there are back and by the time I've done that it's not enough time to do anything much

OP posts:

AntiHop · 01/06/2016 13:32

If you can make it work financially then yes I think you should do it. You need to look after your health.

TheDuchyOfGrandFenwick · 01/06/2016 13:33

Yanbu, two of the days my dd goes to nursery are when dh is off work. She loves going, me and dh get to spend time together, it's a win win situation for us.

mysteryfairy · 01/06/2016 13:34

Why does it need to be a different nursery? Just extend two of his days - surely that will be more consistent for him?

Original poster

Abbinob · 01/06/2016 13:36

His nursery is only open until 12 (it's a really small nursery and only does the 15 hours a week sessions) so we cant extend his days there

OP posts:

MangoMoon · 01/06/2016 13:37

I worked full time, as did husband so paid full time nursery fees regardless.

I quite often still put the boys into nursery back then on my rare weekdays off as it was nice for me to have some time to catch up on stuff, and to do things without the kids.
My eldest (then 3 yrs old) also carried on at nursery (although reduced hours) whilst I was on maternity leave with my youngest.

Some people get quite frowny and judgey about putting the kids in childcare when you're off, so be prepared for that, but at the end of the day it's your choice.

Original poster

Abbinob · 01/06/2016 13:40

It's just that atm dp works 7am-8pm so it's either a long day alone with DS or if not then it's a day when I'm working and up at 5am, which I know other people could handle but I seem to deal badly with basic life stuff

OP posts:

youknowwhattodo · 01/06/2016 13:40

Yanbu. If i am off work, and i have nothing planned with dd, i still take her to nursery. She loves it and it is her routine but some friends think iabu when i am off work

Mummyme1987 · 01/06/2016 13:42

Of course you should. Your child will be having fun and a less stressed mum is better for everyone.

turtlesallthewaydown · 01/06/2016 13:45

Not unreasonable at all. Look after your mental health. Took me ages to get that.

When I was pregnant with my second, a friend asked if I was going to take DD1 out of nursery during my mat leave because obviously I'd not be working. I couldn't stop laughing.

Fifitrix9 · 01/06/2016 13:45

YANBU. I work 3 days a week when my DD is at nursery all day. I've got 7 weeks off over the summer and she is still going to be going on her 3 days so I can get caught up on all the stuff in the house I never get round to normally - I'm a single parent and DD does swimming, gymnastics, dancing and tennis on my days off so I'm constantly running around after her!

Come September, she is also going to do 1 more morning a week at the playgroup attached to the local school to get her used to the environment and stop her getting bored with me as she gets older!

You some time for yourself for your own sanity

YumBountyChoc · 01/06/2016 13:45

YANBU I'm a SAHM and send DD to MILs once a week partly to catch up on things. I have depression so a day a week to recharge really helps and I feel a much better mum/wife for doing so.

If you can afford it do it, sod what anyone else thinks, do whats best for you and your family.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 01/06/2016 13:52

YANBU at all. It will benefit you all including DS.

BeaArthursUnderpants · 01/06/2016 13:53

I certainly don't think it's morally wrong and I think you should do whatever works best for your family, especially if it will alleviate mental health concerns. But considering you and your partner only work 7 days between you, you have only one 2-year-old, and you have local family support, it sounds like you may have a time management problem more than anything. (I've been there.) If that's the case, more childcare won't relieve your sense of overwhelm and will in fact just make you feel guilty. (Like I said, been there.).

Can you figure out exactly what tasks you are having a hard time keeping up with, and where your time is going? Many things can be done with one 2-year-old in tow. Your child doesn't need your constant attention and there's no shame in using CBeebies for an hour so you can zone out on mumsnet make dinner or pay bills. Take a hard look at where your free time is going. There are even apps to help you track this sort of thing. Between you and your partner you should be able to work out a better plan to stay on top of things. If it is a matter of housekeeping, can you do a huge weekend purge/organising session to simplify things? Can you batch cook meals on the weekends? There are loads of strategies that can help but first you have to identify the areas that are causing the most stress.

I just know that when I got more childcare and didn't get more done, I felt even worse. At least if I'm not getting stuff done and I'm with my kids, I can feel good about having the time with them. In retrospect I should have tried harder to be more efficient before just assuming I needed more time. Also you just have to accept that there is a certain amount of "insanity" that goes along with family life, especially with two working parents. I don't think any mum I know ever feels completely on top of things. Are you setting impossibly high standards for yourself?

All of that said, I may very well be inappropriately projecting my own experiences onto you. But I'm not saying this is rational, and you should absolutely NOT feel guilty, about the tax credits or anything else, if you need the extra time and it will genuinely help you to feel better and healthier. We're all doing the best we can.

FetchezLaVache · 01/06/2016 13:56

It sounds like you DO need the childcare! You have to take care of yourself.

Onlyicanclean10 · 01/06/2016 13:59

Of course not it's a good idea.

Original poster

Abbinob · 01/06/2016 14:02

It is sort of a time management issue i suppose, I find it hard to motivate myself to do stuff whilst also entertaining ds, me and dp are rarely both off work on the same day I think I just get overwhelmed easily tbh it just feels like it never stops (yeah I know thays parenting for you but I'm not great at it)
I'm also shit at doing things i think partly cause I've never lived not at my parents without kids so when I moved out it was a bit of a shock to the system all the stuff that needs doing and organising, like bills and cleaning and shopping etc, I'm just shit at it

OP posts:

Original poster

Abbinob · 01/06/2016 14:09

I also think I'd be more motivated to do stuff with ds more if there were less days to fill, that sounds awful doesn't it I di enjoy spending time with ds of course but it's a bit relentless, don't think I was really ever cut out for parenting or something but I try

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Vikkijayne2507 · 01/06/2016 14:40

I'm going on maternity leave next month and my son will def be going to nursery still I want him to keep his routine and also have the attention he deserves which I'll struggle with with a tiny newborn look after urself

RapidlyOscillating · 01/06/2016 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monkeysox · 01/06/2016 15:27

So will you have to pay for it?
Sorry to be blunt.

Original poster

Abbinob · 01/06/2016 15:32

Depends, one nursery that we've phoned is OK for using the 15 hours for 2 full days, some only will let you use it for certain sessions, some have no spaces for free hours for 2 year olds.
If we have to pay then we can apply for tax credits towards some of it and pay the left over bit.
Would o ly be 2 days a week, the other 5 days ds would be at home with either me or dp, or my mum if working Sundays.
Also might keep ds at his current nursery a couple of morning just because he likes it there but not sure yet what we're doing

OP posts:

Original poster

Abbinob · 01/06/2016 15:35

Yes long days and dps job is very physical, mines sort of physical (involves lifting heavy stuff a lot) so often knackered on days off!

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Pollaidh · 01/06/2016 15:39

It's a good idea. I have health problems so prefer only to look after one of my children at a time, for anything over a couple of hours. I also sometimes have a day of with dh whilst the children are at nursery and school, and occasionally take a day for admin and stuff.

ChristmasZombie · 01/06/2016 15:45

I'm a teacher. It's half term. I'm off work. My DD is at nursery right now. I'm sitting in Costa. So I definitely don't think YABU!

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