To not want to accept everything that is offered to me?!

[mamacien]

Long story short. I've been a student in a horrible student house, I've had a cramped rented flat with DP and DD, now we have bought a lovely first house. We aren't well off at all but live an enjoyable simple lifestyle.
Now my DM has never had money troubles but has always made out she's extremely hard done by. Her house is a mish mash of odd furniture and clutter (which is absolutely fine it's her house) because she accepts ANYTHING people give her. When me and DS were growing up and had a sort out she would go through the bags for anything she could keep for herself (also absolutely fine) etc etc, this is the way she has always been!
My flat was a bit of a mish mash because we weren't interested in spending any money on a rented place when we knew we were going to buy a house. Now that I've moved a number of people have very kindly offered me furniture, accessories, baby things (another due in July) but I have turned everything down. I quite simply don't want other people things, I want to buy my own things, I just want exactly what I want in my house. It would be a waste of both the gifts and effort to accept these things when I know I don't want or need them! Now DM has made me feel really guilty and rude for not wanting others old furniture "I must have more money than sense" "very ungrateful and insulting" "she never imagined I would be a snob". Surely there's nothing wrong with having different priorities to her? I don't have more money than sense, I just enjoy spending the money I do have on making MY home what's I see as beautiful, rather than what somebody else liked. Should I actually be accepting these gifts to spare people's feeling? I didn't even see it as an issue until the numerous comments about how wrong I am :/

My MiL has form for this and I know she is trying to be kind. I have asked her not to bring us any more unsolicited furniture, kitchen equipment etc but she still does it, with an "ooh I'm going to be in trouble now!" type comment. DH is home more often than I am and he enables (tut!) the unwanted behaviour.

In normal life she has great taste and has also given us some beautiful things, but she also has a massive blind spot when it comes to random armchairs off freecycle and things we already have (frying pans, measuring spoons etc).

YADNBU and I feel your pain.

With you on this OP, when we moved into our house it took time to build up furniture we wanted, but, as with you, we wanted things that were to our taste and didn't want to waste something that could have done good elsewhere. Same with baby things, first is due in Aug and i've politely declined offers of bits from friends, it's our first baby and we'd like to have new things and have been spreading the purchases out over several months.

YANBU. I have loads of second hand stuff, but I've made the mistake of accepting things in the past which I really disliked. It's pointless and it sets a precedent which you won't want to keep up. All the benefits of handing stuff on to others when you're finished with it is completely undone if it is not wanted in the first place.
And if you're really worried about hurting someone's feelings, you can always say "that's really kind, but I've spotted a (item) that I've got my heart set on so we're saving for that." Nobody reasonable will be offended!
Your mum is being a bit silly, I think. It's your place, so you get to decide. Enjoy it!

Everyones replies about not wanting to throw away family members furniture and being stuck with it, this is what I'm frightened of!! I do get attached to anything with the tiniest bit of sentimental value whether I like it or not. I still struggle to throw bobbly scarves away my mum bought me for Christmas 10 years ago just 'cause! If someone came to visit and asked where their old rug was I would be MORTIFIED to tell them it had in fact gone to rug hell!

Also, OP, if you're not tough on this you'll end up like me, with the most hideous pair of novelty fox-wearing-a-hunting-jacket Christmas candle holders (who oh why oh why?) which I now have to hunt down and dust off every Christmas for fear of upsetting someone. Let this be a warning!

its her issue (your mother's). not yours. as she's shown that amply in the past.

plus her comments sound rather nasty and undermining.

enjoy your free space!

Not only are you not being unreasonable, but your DM is being very rude - she shouldn't talk to you in those terms just because you're her daughter.

I think gleam is right and perhaps your DM just doesn't have enough insight to realise she's being unreasonable - i.e. if she feels miffed, she must be in the right!

I can completely understand where you're coming from, about wanting your home just how you want it at last - and even if I couldn't relate, so what - it's your business, no one else's!

I am with you, because I have found that when people are clearing out their lofts or garages or whatever they often think 'Oh, this will do for Slim'. We had friends come to stay for a weekend last summer and they were renovating their loft so brought things they thought we would like. Why we would want 5 boxes of Betamax videos, cast off wellies, an ancient wetsuit with a broken zipper and cane conservatory furniture that had an old rats nest in the cushion etc was beyond me. I just felt that rather than going to the tip they thought they would offload stuff to us and we would go to the tip for them instead.

YANBU. If you like it and would use it thank them graciously and accept. If you don't want it say no thanks equally graciously.

My mum is a total hoarder rather like yours. Her and my MIL constantly unload piles of tat useful, second had items on me. I thank them politely and consider my house the stopping off point between them and and the charity shop/dump/church bazaar. I do this for Mum and MIL only. They are old and find it hard to throw things out so I consider it an act of service for them. Anyone else just gets a polite no thank you.

Yonks ago, before I learned how to say 'no', I accepted any offers of furniture for mine and (then) DH's first flat. One such item was a sideboard that stank as though something had died in it. Grim.

I divorced DH (for other reasons) and he kindly delivered the sideboard to my new abode when I was out one day. Bloody thing took me years to offload.

What's worse is that it'd probably be considered 'vintage' and high-value now.

YANBU at all. Furnishing your home exactly how you want is one of life's great pleasures . It may take time but involves a lot of joy too. Congrats on your new home .

I think that this is a generation thing though . My first home was filled with second hand furniture ,curtains etc. That was the norm for the time . If you bought all new it was almost seen as bragging ffs.
As time went by we got what we wanted and recycled the other stuff which now is coming back into fashion eg Ercol . Hang on long enough !
When one of my adult children was setting up home I made similar mistake as your mum . Oh so helpfully pointing out second hand shops and auction rooms . Very kindly declined by the couple .
Now I am on receiving end of their purchases when not needed . Win win.

Enjoy your new home OP and decline gracefully .

YANBU. My house is a horrible mish-mash of stuff that we've been given over the years, except the spare bedroom which is furnished with things I chose and bought myself. Every time I go in there I think "this is a lovely room" and that's because it's to my taste.

Years ago DH and DBiL helped their parents move house. They were downsizing so there was a lot of stuff going spare. Long story short, DH arrived back at our house after a 400 mile round trip with a wagonload of broken crap. His parents had some really nice things so I asked what had happened to those. Turned out that DBiL had bagged the best bits, other DBiL (who wasn't even there) had bagged the most valuable (and I mean properly valuable) table and chairs, leaving DH with a load of stuff that ended up at the tip. MiL still asks where her things are when she visits today and gets in a strop when we tell her that obviously they were chucked, being broken and all.

But like mother, like son - yesterday I caught DH trying to palm off our old telly onto DS2. We have a bigger, better, new-to-us one from my DGM's house (second hand, but we want it so that's fine). DS2 doesn't need a telly, doesn't want a telly but that didn't stop DH trying to load it into the car. Having forced talked him out of that, he's now decided that our elderly neighbour is having it because it's better than hers. Which it is - he's always getting called round there to give it a kick fix it for her. But that's not the point is it?

YANBU!

I don't have a problem with 2nd hand or charity as long as I like/want/need it - if you don't YANBU

It's also perfectly reasonable to want to enjoy your opportunity of having nice brand new things that have been chosen by you without being made to feel bad about it.

I'm not sure I agree with the refusing all the stuff you are (potentially) given.
The baby stuff for example is one things I would keep because let's face it. It's expensive and isn't used for very long.
But there is no reason to accept things you don't like or won't use either.

Sure;lay it's just an issue of balance?

YANBU. We've had a few deaths in the family over the past few years and my ILs are forever eyeing our house and lamenting that there's "nothing wrong" with the ancient dark wood furniture (including things like dressers full of commemorative plates which, I mean, who wants those) and chintz sofas left behind. We have been firm in declining random items. In my view they have served their purpose for the people who bought them; I don't care if they are going to charity with not a mark on!

I do think that rooms tend to be smaller in more modern houses so a lot of furniture is surplus now. In our living and dining room there is a dining table, sideboard, sofa and TV but in my GP in laws there were 2 3 seaters, 2 side tables, a record cabinet, tv cabinet, 2 corner units and a fricking piano.

I've got my parents' carpet, my father-in-law's rug, my mate's old sofa - she was chucking it out. A big desk that used to belong to my husband's brother. Curtains sewn by my husband's previous wife. Oh and my father's old classical vinyl collection. I rather like this - it's like the whole gang is with me.

I'm more fussed about having the books and the pictures that I have chosen.

I am not a designer with my own 'vision, 'taste' etc. A sort of comfortable jumble is fine by me.

YANBU and good on you for politely declining! My house is full of furniture I didn't really want but felt obliged to take.

YANBU. I took stuff which I wanted at the time but 20 yrs on can't get rid. It belonged to grandma. Do I give a fuck? No I don't. She wasnt actually very nice to me - rather like my mother, her daughter, mother superior. But oh mummy dear doesnt want it but if I were to get rid. Well bad daughter would be awful conceited nasty terrible daughter. Which I am already so why the bloody hell do I keep it along with great uncles stuff? Bad bad me.... Sorry for the rant bad weekend of being bullied.

This is a 'peak stuff' problem. So many people just have so much stuff that it would be a sin to throw away but that they want to get rid of, so they need to pressurise family members to take it on for them. YANBU.

Janecc

Our 'cannot throw out item' belonged to DH's (lovely) Granny. My MIL categorically does not want it and in fact has no room for it. I want to sell it throw it away but I'm assured that MIL will be very upset if we do, despite the fact that she tells us to sell it any time I mention it.

The family have decided that it is valuable bollocks it is so we should keep it for that reason.

I would mind less if it wasn't huge and massively heavy.

It would be awful to accidentally smash it up with a sledgehammer/set a very localised fire/infest it with termites, but I sometimes daydream about it will polishing the bloody thing.

People don't give you this stuff out of the kindness of their heart - they give it you because they want to delegate the problem and the guilt.

So they feel bad for wanting to chuck great granny's sewing box but if they give it to OP then they are a Benevolent Giftee and then its her problem.

Sorry OP I somehow managed to miss the mention of your first child! So you know the drill. Totally agree with you and your mum is being much too hash.

Harsh!

My DM has form for this. She has asked me to label everything I want from her house so it's easy to sort when she dies (in the next 30 years, she is hale and hearty, despite the pickling of alcohol) She used to buy me horrible ornaments too. I told her to stop. I have very particular taste and the place is Spartan, as I like it. Tell your DM to stop palming off her crap on you.