....to think that doing a lot of cleaning when you have an unexpected guest is a bit weird?

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Today we were due to meet up with a friend, but plans got rearranged due to planned event in our area being rubbish and so I ended up asking her to come to us - DH was present for the extension of this invite and was fine with it.

We met friend at our house (we were out at time of inviting) and I hastily hoovered the most dreadful part of the carpet (all of 1 minute). Bear in mind our house does need its weekly clean, which was roughly scheduled for us to do today. Friend's son frolicked with our DC, while I flapped about seeing to drinks/removal of allergy triggers (he has newly diagnosed allergies). DH went off to clean the bathroom and toilet, which took some time and involved leaving doors to restricted areas open for the children to go through and finally emerged to do a bit of light dusting while friend and I sat there with our tea. At my request, he finally stopped cleaning.

My complaint is that if I visited someone unexpectedly and they flitted around me cleaning, I would feel guilty and like I was a bother. Friend was appreciative of the last-minute invite and I didn't want her to feel in the way, so wished DH would leave the cleaning to a decent minimum while she was here. Upon later interrogation enquiry, he completely refutes that he may have seemed weird and keeps insisting 'but it needed doing'.

He doesn't think it's a bit rude to persist in cleaning your home when you have a guest. I think that once the minimum is done (pants in laundry, toilet clear, no obvious health hazards) you should attend to tea and socialising instead.

Is either of us BU?

Cleaning the loo quickly out of sight is fine.

Dusting in front of her is not.

YANBU.

Also at the suggestion that a man cleaning is to be praised.

I do think he was being odd. Mine wouldn't notice or wouldn't care that the house was a tip. I might do a whispered "go and check the loo" because he's the one who leaves skids the mess.

But mine has a habit of disappearing whenever guests come round.

I'm with you Contessa - wipe/hide anything embarrassing (yes, I have done the sweep entire table into a draw/load into bag and hide in my bedroom when unexpected guests have visited), then spend time with the guest.

Even if that guest was my partner's guest - then the worst I would do would be to go full on host and organise food/drinks so DP could hang out with the friend.

Cleaning around a visitor is definitely unwelcoming and a bit rude - like saying that you have more important things to be doing and their presence is an inconvenience

I wouldn't like it if I was a guest it's a bit rude. It implies the guest is in the way and unwelcome.

Ahh just read "his mums house was a show home..."

He's doing it to make a point to you- you haven't kept the house acceptable like his mum did.

Boring man.

I take exactly 50% of responsibility for house maintenance Jemima. After a shaky marital start of 'Of course I'd normally live in pristine surroundings but have learned to adapt to your low standards' he now will reluctantly admit that he is just as bad with neglecting to clean as I am. It took a while for him to stop acting like the state of the house was down to me though. 7 years on, we've progressed.....

I think it was a bit rude, really, whether a bit passive/aggressive (dusting so near to the guest) or simply he is just getting on with the cleaning. Is it cultural?

I am sorry, my post comes across as over-critical. It may well be that he is just getting on with things, his mother was so clean, he is also, and he feels the guest is a good friend so it doesn't count.

Hey, a husband who cleans, though!

I think it is very rude to clean around guests. I would feel very unwelcome if someone did that to me, especially if they had invited me round.

ExH would have behaved a bit like that, but he is a bit on the spectrum, and if he had decided he was doing something nothing would make him change his mind.

did he actually not want her there so done it to piss u off?

Was he trying to impress your guest?

I HATE being cleaned around. Even if it's by my parents who I am 100% relaxed and comfortable around it makes me feel awkward and in the way. YANBU

I know people who do this. I've been invited to a BBQ and the Dh of host has suddenly decided the patio/deck/garden needs serious work. I think it's something to do with a lack of social skills. They feel uncomfortable just being them in their own house. They have to be busy. But it is rude if it makes the guest feel as if they are intruding or that the host would rather be doing something else.

If a child behaves like this, ignoring guests, staying in their own world, failing to pick up on social clues, it's often a sign of being on the autistic spectrum.

Honestly, I think he was embarrassed by the state of the house as it must appear to a guest and decided to deal with it there and then; he has form for not acknowledging social niceties that I consider to be essential/a pleasant addition. I think that stems more from selfishness than ignorance that such niceties exist though; it would be more convenient for him if they didn't exist and so he argues that they don't.

I'm making him sound horrible but he's not really that bad! I just wish he'd admit that he acted like this out of embarrassment at the state of the house rather than maintaining the 'well it never gets any easier and needed doing' line. In fact, maybe that's it; he doesn't want to admit to himself that he's lazy too because that doesn't fit his self-image, and so he won't admit to the embarrassment that comes from being lazy.

Hmm. All well and good, but I'm not having it play out in such a way that my friends feel awkward. One to ponder.

My DH has done the same thing and it really annoyed me too, so YANBU. Just continuing to dust and spray polish, maybe even wash the kitchen floor when guests have already arrived. I find it really stressy and think it highlights what needs doing!

Have you ever had someone pop round unannounced and your house was in a bit of a state? For some reason, after the guest has left I am compelled to clean the whole house as though it somehow makes up for that person seeing my mess! Crazy! It's like I want to call them back over to show them how it should have been.

I think it just seems a little anxious, like they are a little worried you will think their house isn't clean.