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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to end my relationship over this

57 replies

dmsz · 30/05/2016 11:50

Every few months my BF needs to spend 1-2 weeks in one of his company's international offices, these are in Asia, USA etc. so not a quick trip to Europe.

In the last year 4 out of the 6ish trips he made I didn't find out until the day before he was due to go, there was one instance I didn't know until he was actually at the airport, about to board a flight to Asia for 2 weeks. He had various excuses for not telling me - he forgot, he thought he had, he didn't want to start a fight about him going (yes, we have fought the day before him going on all 4 of these occasions purely because he's not telling me until the last possible moment, I really wouldn't care about him going as I know he needs to if he actually had the decency to tell me in advance).

The last time he went away it was another instance of him telling me the day before, and at this point I had reached breaking point with his absolutely dire communication, why don't I deserve to know in advance? I felt totally disrespected and worthless that he doesn't see that I'd be hurt at being told "I'm going to Asia, I'm not going to be around for 2 weeks", and of course that starts another fight over the issue, things came to a head and he said this would be the last time, he won't do it again, next time he'll tell me in advance etc. I agreed, it would be the last time, if he done it again I'd be walking away.

I thought we were getting somewhere - in April he mentioned there were plans for him to go to another office for 1-2 weeks in May/June, he wanted me to be aware to avoid historic problems. A few weeks later he mentioned it was going to be pushed to June but "I'll give you at least 4 weeks notice".

Fast forward to now, and you can see where this is going. He was away for the weekend, and called me when he got home last night to tell me his trip is... tomorrow (today). The irony of it all is his excuse for not telling me about it is when the dates were finalised we were in the middle of a pretty big fight about surprise... his terrible communication, something which he started seeing a counsellor for as it was destroying our relationship, and he didn't want to cause another fight by telling me he's going away in a few weeks. He seems to be missing the point here entirely, the fights are over him not telling me until the day before, not because he needs to go. If he'd told me the response would have been "Ok, thanks for actually letting me know in advance".

Obviously I told him that the last time was supposed to be the last time, there was no point making that clear if I was then going to go back on it, and ignore the fact that a few months later nothing had changed, he's behaved the same way etc.

Now I'm lost, it's killing me to lose my relationship over this, I love him but I can't say "don't do this" then just accept it when he does. I just feel like its opening doors to be treated like a doormat and walked all over as it doesn't matter what I say, or what he does, I'm just going to stay around anyway.

OP posts:

teaandkitkats · 30/05/2016 13:55

See a relationship therapist together before deciding the next step. It gives you the opportunity to explain the impact it is having on you - and that will be useful for both DP and the therapist.Communication issues can be deep rooted - my DH has a line of make family members who do the same thing. We did it and things really improved. If the relationship is other wise good and you love each other it's worth a shot

teaandkitkats · 30/05/2016 13:56

male

Original poster

dmsz · 30/05/2016 15:11

In all other aspects the relationship is great, my DC loves him, and if he'd told me when he found out when he was going ending the relationship wouldn't have crossed my mind. I'm open to seeing a relationship therapist, but at the same time I feel like it may be setting a precedent that would seep into the rest of the relationship, he used his last chance, he can't have another, he can't be under the impression he'll get more chances by doing things going to therapy together. I feel like I'm choosing between love and my own self respect.

OP posts:

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/05/2016 16:42

He could have told you if he'd wanted to.

He didn't want to.

Bin him.

teaandkitkats · 30/05/2016 16:49

I think your gut feeling will tell you what the right thing to do is. But there is absolutely no shame in extending the ultimatum if there is a constructive solution that might put a stop to this behaviour for good

Shannyfanny · 30/05/2016 17:00

you are clearly unhappy

coco1810 · 30/05/2016 17:25

Oh wow! Get rid asap!!! How can you allow yourself to be treated with such little respect?

FuriousFate · 30/05/2016 17:46

Pack up his stuff whilst he's away on this trip. He clearly couldn't care less about you.

Gide · 30/05/2016 17:53

What an idiot! He could avoid all the hassle by cc-ing into an email or actually using his google calendar. My DH plugs in all his shifts so I know exactly where he is for a year in advance. Why does he not just tell you? So weird.

Earlybird · 30/05/2016 17:58

Not sure I'd bin him for this if you're happy in other aspects of the relationship.

Is this the only instance of poor communication between the two of you? If so, clearly he has an irrational 'block' about this issue. Could you simply have a 90 second conversation once a week where you go over your diaries and make each other aware of upcoming events?

He absolutely should be more mature / responsible / respectful, but if he's otherwise great, perhaps worth the effort.

TheNaze73 · 30/05/2016 18:05

I think he could be more considerate but, if that's how he is, then so be it. Think you'll have to end it as he wont change

Makeupbabes · 30/05/2016 18:10

Ooh what a jerk, I hate when they avoid telling you to avoid an argument but end up making it ten times worse by not telling you. I'd text him & say "I'm done" and make him sweat for a few weeks before talking to him, make him really regret not communicating with you & then if you do decide to forgive him he'll know that if he tries anything like that again, you'll be gone for good.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/05/2016 18:23

"He's not controlling, and doesn't do it for power, he does it because he doesn't want to face reality at all, especially when he's under the wrong impression that its going to result in a fight."
I couldn't respect someone like that, and without respect love will wither .

Janecc · 30/05/2016 19:38

Can't you sit down together maybe once or twice a week and regularly look at plans for the next couple of weeks? And discuss any issues at the same time? Let him know it's ok for these plans to change. It sounds like he needs the confidence to tell you. It sounds as if the only way this happen is if you both approach the communication issue from a non judgmental way.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2016 19:42

Well, you gave him an ultimatum and he blew it

Don't make threats unless you are prepared to stand by them

So, relationship over

If you give in again, he has carte blanche to walk all over you. Which is exactly what he is doing.

maggiethemagpie · 30/05/2016 19:46

I would leave or at the very least give him one last chance IF he agrees to go to relationship counselling. I'd think it was not so much the lack of communication itself but the fact that you've asked him not to do it, repeatedly, and he's ignoring you. That's really throwing it in your face. You're right in that if you accept it, you're opening the door to being a doormat.

Be strong - don't stand for it.

JennyHolzersGhost · 30/05/2016 20:12

Sorry, iImay have missed this early on but how long have you been together?

Original poster

dmsz · 30/05/2016 22:42

2 years

Yes, I am unhappy due to his cowardly behaviour I'm left in a position where I either end my relationship with someone I love, and excluding this issue, does make me happy, or roll over, be a door mat and have issued empty threats so he ends up doing as he pleases in the future because he knows I'll stick around regardless, there's no winning in this situation.

Shared calendars etc. are all great ideas so thank you for those.

Is this the only instance of poor communication between the two of you?
No, which is why he ended up seeing a therapist. If there's an issue where he thinks he's going to be letting me down/upsetting me, such as cancelling plans, he will put off doing so until the last possible minute, ultimately making a situation worse. If he's worried about something he won't communicate that, he just kind of shuts down. It's frustrating, he could see how it was damaging our relationship so he decided to see a therapist to attempt to fix it. I kind of feel like I owe it to him to at least wait until the end of the therapy sessions to see if any changes are actually possible.

I can see how partly my reactions could contribute towards it - when he told me last night I probably just said I needed to think about how/if we move forward rather than escalating it into a fight, but at the same time he should have told me weeks ago.

OP posts:

Janecc · 30/05/2016 23:08

I think it would perhaps be useful for you to go and see the therapist yourself to explain the situation from your PoV to best help him. This isn't an uncommon thing to do but normally at the behest of the therapist. You could contact them to enquire if it is possible to have a session with them if you were interested - they can only say no if they don't like the idea. They'll also have to ok it with dp I expect. It's just I think this is also a couples issue.

Iflyaway · 30/05/2016 23:20

He sees you as someone who is nice to have around but not worth making you part of his plans in life.

Fuck that.

Going on work trips abroad take a lot of planning from the office, I used to do that job for employees... (flights, hotels, conference registration, etc.).

The least he could do as your partner is to fill you in on his work schedule.

I'd be out of there like a shot, no respect for your life at all! Revolves all around him, but of course you have the choice to stay or not.

Green18 · 30/05/2016 23:21

DING DONG warning bells. This man is not committed to your relationship. I think he is still attached to his ex. I wouldn't waste any more time.

NewLife4Me · 30/05/2016 23:24

The 4th word in your OP should tell you all you need to know.

my relationship If you were really together in every sense it would be our relationship

Original poster

dmsz · 30/05/2016 23:36

His ex is an irrelevance.

We were supposed to be moving in together in the next few months, so to that extent he's committed, it was his idea and if we were living together I'd assume probably wrongly that there's less chance of this happening. But at the same time, I don't want to uproot my DS so we can live with someone who could continue to behave like this.

OP posts:

hargreaves30 · 30/05/2016 23:46

Sounds like he's being deliberately vague, and to keep doing this over and over is just rude and annoying.

Starslubs · 31/05/2016 00:03

I agree with the person up thread who said you are probably contributing to the dynamic too. He manages to tell his ex after all. It's like a downward spiral where the less he tells you, the more frustrated you get, so the less he wants to tell you, so you get even more frustrated...

It also sounds like he deals with it by burying his head in the sand (hence forgetting to tell you, and putting it off). I'm guilty of this too. I delay things if I can't face doing it. And it usually makes the outcome worse. It's a habit. But I think people can change especially if your partner has already acknowledged the problem and is having therapy. I can't imagine my DH ever doing that!

My lovely DH is a terrible communicator. He doesn't tell me about his plans until the last minute, if at all! He doesn't like discussing his feelings at all. He doesn't sit down to discuss issues ever.
Sometimes I get really frustrated when he finally lets me in on something - I often hear myself say "why didn't you tell me earlier?" He's also terrible at planning ahead. I would despair if I was his manager at work.

But in all other respects he is wonderful and perfect for me and I couldn't ever imagine life without him.

I have lots of faults too and DH hasn't said he'd leave me. I overreact / get emotional sometimes and I'm sure that puts him off telling me other things in the future.

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