To tell someone they are repeating a story they have already told you 89 times

[Myusernameismyusername]

Usually my DM.
I always hesitate between thinking 'it will be over soon, just nod along' or cutting in halfway through and making it clear they already told you this 88 other times before quite recently.

1 is kinder than no 2, but is it just better to be honest and move on to new stories where you don't have to hide your facial expression of despair?

Claddagh now that sounds just like my FIL. I also think he was on the AS, he would do exactly the same sort of things with family or strangers.

Sorry you have lost your mother, I should have realised from your past tense when I made a joke about you being my sister.

I've come to a similar realisation over the years about a PD and we do have other boundaries about more serious things - this is trivial in comparison, but it just drives me nuts.
I've been harsh on her in the past which she responses terribly to, I won't do that this time it isn't worth it!
I am sad about what a stagnant relationship we also have now, it's quite superficial on my part. We used to be so close and her with my DD's but in the past 5+ years I have become quite intolerant of a lot of behaviours I used to enable or ignore.
This just seems to be the fall out and I probably have to learn to live with it. I get really upset that my feelings have clouded my DD's feelings about her but then I wonder it's not my fault anyway

All of the confusion that comes with an emotionally difficult parent haha

Try not to feel guilty or too responsible for the stagnation of the relationship. I carried guilt for years, it's not reasonable to carry the blame.

It is sad however, just do what you can and swallow a 'patient daughter pill' before you meet up. .

I think the problem is it becomes a very unequal relationship when you are doing all the listening and empathising. Sometimes inside I was screaming with frustration that I couldn't have a normal friendly mother/daughter relationship. I think if there are other issues in one's relationship with a parent it is actually particularly hard if it's become very one-side in the support you give.

Interestly more recently my MIL started to have short term memory issues associated with age. Funnily enough my DH found it really hard to cope with, but I was able to cope much better, just because it wasn't my own mother.

I worry she will get dementia. I do worry this has got worse even though I am not sure it has but it is my fear of having to be the one to look after her (sibling has moved away)

She does ask me about me, and my DC's and she isn't completely self obsessed all the time - which is a positive!

I think I have learnt from this thread to try to be more tolerant, for my own sanity really what will I gain from shouting NOOOOOOOO at this story each time lol

How do you feel now about your relationship with your mother?

In some ways I wish I had stood up to her more. But I'm not sure whether that could have ever been possible or achieved anything.

She had other flaws too, and it took a period my own depression and counselling for me to realise my parents had issues themselves and to stop feeling guilty that I was somehow at fault.

I suppose as I get older, I realise that the majority of parents try there best with the skills they have (or don't have). Just sometimes it's not good enough. I felt a bit jealous of my DH's relationship with his parents, they weren't perfect but they did give him unconditional love.

I think I actually learned to be a better parent myself by trying to avoid being too much like my own mother. Although, I still find it hard to feel much love towards the memory of my DM, I have in recent years done quite a bit of work on my family tree and can now see her as a person with hopes, dreams and aspirations that tried her best. I'm now older than she was when she was widowed, so realise how cheated she must have felt. After having 4 children, she lost her DH just after the last one (me) left home. That must have been almost impossible to recover from.

Your mother sounds similar to mine.
I supported my mother through her divorce when we were teens and it has damaged all of our relationships even further.
My memories of her before the divorce were much more positive although she was an utter doormat under my controlling abusive father - and I was the pawn. He used me to hurt her and she kind of let him. He only left when he met someone who would have him.
She's been severely traumatised by this and has never moved on. She's still as bitter as ever.
I often feel I have neither parent really. DF is not a very nice person and I never see him. His choice. Suddenly he pops up expecting me to play the role of doting loving daughter when it suits him. DM is a nice person who can't really cope with emotions well or process feelings and needs a super lot of support. I resent them because I haven't had much support from them when I had children because they are so self obsessed. They then continually make me feel like I am in some way, not a very good child to them.

The lessons I have learnt from them are pretty much to try to do the total opposite of everything they did.

The most recent serious incident between us was her minimising something that upset me greatly, (she hadn't upset me, someone else had). I was already not coping well with stress, work, money, kids, life and then something tipped me over into depression. She wanted to minimise it because admitting it to be true would have been detrimental to her and she cannot deal with conflict. I withdrew contact with her to cope with my emotions and slight depression (as she is no bloody help) she made the entire incident about how it had made her feel that I wouldn't allow her to help. Even when she had made it clear she wanted to be neutral.

So I am a horrible daughter who is slightly unhinged and everyone else would prefer we just put that big old carpet over all our feelings

My goodness, that sounds tough. Very much like my own experiences in some ways. When I was depressed, DM once said the classic 'what on earth have you got to be depressed about' and then continued to tell me again about her woes and how she coped so well without seeking any treatment! She lacked any self-awareness.

I think really the best way is to any focus only on any practical support you can offer, and work out ways to avoid being drawn in to their emotional turmoil. I'm not convinced this type of personality wants to be healed and move on. They have become so used to being the victim of their circumstances they can't follow a different path and outcome.

I noticed the similar issue about boundaries, my DM couldn't stop herself over sharing things about her relationship with my DF, she was angry about him dying, I guess, which felt really uncomfortable and inappropriate for me.

The best way I found was to acknowledge it wasn't in my power to make her happy, and my priority was protecting my own MH and looking after my own family's happiness (DS & DH). I had to keep her at an emotional distance from me IYKWIM.

Its quite painful when its someone more senior than you at work giving you a little tale (usually about how great they were during some event or other) and you have to listen to it each time as if its something new (and requiring a fake laugh).

My mum does this, drives me nuts. I always say 'oh yes, you told me that, and says 'did I? Oh okay ' and then carries on anyway.