AIBU to think this sounds like DS's friend has tried to stretch the truth, about her dad's cancer...

[MattJoL]

Hi, I would rather people don't jump on me, if I sound insensitive, as that's not my aim.

DS is 12. He has been telling me about his friend's dad, for ages, and all about what has been going on. She basically told him that her dad has cancer. He has been there for her. Today, I got a call from him, as soon as he had gotten out of school; he said that her dad had picked her up and he looks really good. His friend had told him that it was this rare and very bad cancer, which he Googled and it says that it almost always results in death (I can't remember what it was called, but it's the one that is the quickest to spread). She said to him that he has been in hospital, getting every bit of treatment he can, etc. etc. so you can imagine what kind of picture my son and I had built up. DS asked her about how her dad is, the next day, in which she replied about how awful he is and they aren't sure how long he has left (DS didn't say that he had seen him). Her dad then collected her again, he asked her while he was there this time and she replied with "yeah, he is fine, he only has to take this 1 pill a day" and DS goes on to say about how he thought he was in hospital and she said "gosh, you always want to minimalise things, do you not understand how hard it is to have to take a pill for the rest of your life is"...

Hmm, it's a hard one I think. DS has been friends with this girl since he joined the school, in September, but they had gotten really close and he classes her as her best friend. It just seems a bit off to me. WDYT?

There are three possibilities:

Her dad really does have terminal cancer but still looks well even though he isn't. This is quite likely.

Her dad is ill but she has exaggerated his illness. She may have done it for attention but also some people really do expect the worst to happen and voice their fears.

He is not at all ill and she made it all up. This is the least likely, but is possible.

A woman I as at uni with lied about having terminal cancer. I noticed holes in her story but said nothing about them and continued to be supportive because the consequences of being wrong are far too high to say anything. If I met the woman who had lied now I still would not accuse her, that would just be cruel. She seemed a nice person, I think she had just thought of an excuse to get an extension on an assignment and then it had escalated and she did not know how to stop it, it was very sad.

it seems a bit off to me

If your DS is supporting his BF while her dad is terminally ill then the op needs to make sure she's there for her DS when he wants to talk.
My DS's BF lost his mum to cancer at that age, and no, she didn't 'look' ill
(unbeknown to DS I was the Palliative Care Nurse for the bf's mum).
I was immensely proud of my son's attitude and behaviour.

If you're concerned op, have you offered support to the BF or her family, or asked if there's anything you could do?

My brother had terminal lung cancer and even at the end when he was days from death he looked more "well" than many of the people in the Marsden whose prognosis was much better than his. His cancer had progressed so quickly that he hadn't lost much weight, in fact with the steroids if anything he looked chubby, and he was still strong and had joy for life. Only trouble was his lungs were buggered.

In short, I think you may want to think again about saying "he looks well, he must be fine". Tread very carefully as you risk being incredibly insensitive.

Yabvu

As already mentioned numerous times on this thread by people like myself who've seen this there are many cancers that are 'silent but deadly'

The stereotypical 'cancer sufferer look' is mainly down to treatments which are now becoming outdated - eg chemo doesn't always cause hair loss now, it depends on the type, if there are measures put in place to prevent hair loss. Plus wigs are now way better than they used to be.

In addition if it is very advanced he with drs may have decided treatment is basically pointless! So he may just be treating/managing symptoms.

She herself is only 12, she may not have been told everything, she may have misunderstood, she will be scared/anxious and this will affect her understanding/how she communicates.

Aside from professionally, I know of 4 people who received late diagnoses (3 were men who'd had symptoms and kept putting off going to dr!) the 4th was a woman with ovarian cancer (notorious for having few symptoms until it's too late to do anything). All looked absolutely normal until days before they died.

My friend had a rare and aggressive cancer. Two weeks before she died a young palliative care doctor told us she thought she would have months and that we needed to get her home adapted . Her family clung onto this "great news". The friends who had spoken to the actual specialist oncology team knew that once the chemo stopped working she would go downhill rapidly. If you'd seen her at the point the young doctor did you would have thought she looked great - she was laughing and joking. 10 days later she was in a coma having rapidly got progressively weaker. Thank goodness we'd got her into a hospice from the hospital.

A neighbour was given a terminal diagnosis with skin cancer last year, he looked dreadful, I expected him to die pretty soon, but he was put on one of the gene therapy trials, it worked for him, and he now is in remission and is the picture of health. A woman he became friendly with, same diagnosis, on the same trial died.

You have no idea what cancer this Child's dad might have and how it might progress.

I'm a palliative care nurse (hospice based) and some people can actually look quite well until relatively near the end. Some too are on chemotherapy in a daily tablet form, used to control symptoms rather than provide any cure.

If it were me I'd suggest DS talk to the school counsellor about how he has been supporting her friend with her dads cancer, and is there anything else he can do.
He can say he said he thought her Dad looked well and she got upset.
Let the school take it from there.

My DS and his friends got caught out by a disturbed girl in a similar way to this. In the end she would try to lie about things that could not possibly be true. It took them months to work it out.
I would suggest he doesn't tackle her himself.

As a PP said, I'd suggest he speak to a teacher or someone at school. DD's high school has mentors where they can go and talk about things they're finding tough. He can get some support and advice.

FWIW, my DD's best friend lied about her mother having terminal breast cancer, so it does happen

Where does it say that the girl is 12?

Also, the OP has already said that it isn't about him looking well, but the inconsistencies. I agree, I think that's slightly bizarre... I guess it's a tough situation. Yes, do you know the family?

Really? Maybe it doesn't specifically say she's 12 but it's unlikely she's 23 in the context of becoming friends since OPs ds started school in September, all things considered. I'd wager if she was significantly older the OP might have mentioned it. So perhaps... gasp... she is 13. Or even 14. Which would Make Everything Different except it wouldn't at all.

Zombie has Stage 4 Breast Cancer. She spent all of May last year critically ill in hospital. It took several months after discharge to get back to something approaching normality. Then in November she had an operation to remove the tumours on her liver leading to another 3 months of recovery.

Today everyone says how well she looks. And she does. That doesn't mean that she won't die because of the cancer.

Having said that, some very sad people DO lie about having cancer.

I'm just trying to think of the boy, too. If he's 12, but has managed to see that things are inconsistent, it must be quite obvious. Of course, it's very sad (whether it's true or not) but I remember my friend lying to me. However, we were 15/16...

My bestie is terminal although we have contained it for now it will win just a matter of time and she takes 1 pill a day but has maintainable chemo every 3 weeks with bone injections inbetween. Apart from the lack of hair she looks really healthy and has been accused by another mum of ' putting it on ' dumb bitch got set bloody straight fast
I would be very careful of calling anyone out.

Some people have cancer and look well.
Some people lie about having cancer.

All those stories are interesting, but irrelevant to OP. What should she do in this case? How do you deal with it?

OP I think you have to look at the least damaging way of being wrong.

If your DS continues to be supportive of his friend and it turns out that she is a liar, then no really harm will have been done except that it will take him a while to believe anyone without proof. He will feel stupid, but that isn't the end of the world.

If he calls her out on the "lie" and her father is indeed terminal, then a suffering child will have lost possibly her only source of comfort and have nowhere to turn for friendship when her father eventually dies. Your son will feel awful and you will feel like an utter bitch.

Which is worse? I suppose if you felt that you needed to, you could offer support to the family since they are having such a difficult time and gauge the response. You'd have to actually follow through with it though, if they accepted the offer of help.

Sorry every your right, I find the best way is to speak to the family, offer support and maybe have their DCs over for dinner it all helps. Kids will naturally use any situation to their advantage they aren't being malicious they just think 'why not' for instance my dd2 came in saying bestie's daughter was upset as bestie had been rushed to hospital that morning and had forgotten homework!
Yup I rang bestie she was fine no hospital but happened to know her DD hadn't done that weeks homework
Kids aren't daft sometimes their bloody crafty though

Zombie

My aunty has terminal cancer. To the outside world she looks great. She doesn't know how long she has. Could be a month could be 5 years.

And not all chemo involves hair loss, which is the "look" most people associate with cancer. My SIL is has been on chemo for 18months, but hasn't had any hair loss (Dr said this treatment wasn't always associated with hair loss), so she looks very well, has taken up running, but still is fighting a Stage 4 colon cancer. Survival rates are low, but for now she IS doing well, but to all but her closest family, noone knows of her medical situation.

Has everyone missed the bit where the girl said that her dad was in hospital but OP's DS saw him pick her up?

She said he has been in hospital, not that he's necessarily there now.

She said he has a bad cancer, not that he's necessarily terminal right now.

My mum is going through chemo. I have no idea how many pills she takes a day. It has absolutely devastated new and I found it very difficult to cope with initially (as a 30 something adult). A 12 year old girl is coming to terms with this news and people are pulling her story apart because she's not using completely correct terminology? This thread really saddens me. There hasn't been any evidence mentioned by the OP that take supports the accusation she's making this up.