AIBU to have visions of whacking my mother?

[Janecc]

Mother is a narcissist. I'm the scapegoat, brothers golden child. So obviously being the matriarch she knows more than me, is better than me in every way and I am bad in every way. DD and I are staying with her - I know I know, she's a better grandma to DD (7) than she ever was mother to me. Anyway I asked DD for at least the third time to do something and DD then got stroppy and said I was 'sooo bossy'. Mother piped up that I'd smack her for talking like that and then there was a no she won't, will you mummy. I then said I wouldn't as I don't smack. Mother then started going on about how damaging the naughty step is and how shutting children in their bedrooms is cruel and how smacking is so much better. Psychologists say so. This was specially designed to provoke me as I did use the step but not overly used or rigid super nanny style when DD was 3 - 4 as DD is a wilful child. And this argument will have been one she kept in her pocket to use as a weapon against me given the opportunity. Anyway as soon as dd was older we did sticker charts then consequences for the last few years. My childhood was more emotionally abusive and brothers childhood was more physically abusive. He was regularly hit with wooden spoon by mother, father left a hand print bruise on his leg when he was 6/7, dog thrashed in front of us - me 3, brother 5. Father deceased in my teenage years so cannot be held accountable.
Posting in AIBU to get traffic. Does anyone have any info or stories to tell about naughty step vs smacking and shut in room? We don't use go to room time out as a punishment as when tried it proved traumatic and damaging for DD. I have done time in instead a couple of times when DD was in a destructive 6/7 yr old tantrum. And yes I really do have a lot of anger toward mother. A lot of that is because she is constantly trying to provoke me and find buttons to push because she's unhappy and wants me as her adversary - a good fight to make her feel better and tell me that I'm the crazy one. Basically she's passing her anger to me to hold so she doesn't have to. I'm steaming angry now.

Just had a row. Brother contracts and stays 3 nights mon, tues,
Thurs with her at the moment as he gets jobs local to her. I asked what he does on weds and when she said he goes home - almost 3 hour drive I said wow. Oh yes she said poooor him and I said well he did make a lifestyle choice (he used to live near her) then I'm accused of being nasty not what one says etc. Then she wants me to take some of my stuff she has I have not been allowed it before but now she doesn't have time to look with me as DD wants to go swimming with her and she has no boundaries so is going. She literally confiscated the keys when I said I'd go to the garage by myself. I said how controlling she is. Then she retorted what about me keeping my brothers books ( she gave to me as DD was first born granddaughter). Apparently I said he could never have them. Not true, I brought it with us one visit as DD was reading the particular one every day and she wanted to take it off her there and then and I refused as it was too old for brothers son and said he could have it later. DD was reading it every day ffs But apparently I said he could never have the book. She doesn't know why I don't want to give anything to them maybe because they don't want my clutter and chuck my stuff out if I give it to them. I previously asked sil if she wanted brothers books and was told no - I got the impression they would end up in the bin. Then she's told me DD can have her wedding dress from getting married to stepfather but not one from marrying father as she will sell on ebay. I wasn't happy as I consider it an heir loom and made an analogy to burning photos of ancestors. She retorted I will probably do that when she's gone. Then had a go at me that if I cared about them I'd help her sort them. The fact is - I'm not organised like that and haven't got prints of DD because of no energy with CFS not because I don't want them. I've not cooked more than 1/2 meals a week for DH in 6 weeks I'm that Poorly. DD has brown food at the moment, not good I know. You couldn't make it up.

I forgot to say thank you. It has helped. Xx