I think I'm going crazy

[Nosboramme2016]

This is the first time I've ever used mumsnet, I'm just so desperate for help, and this seems like good anonymous way to get it (I'm obviously ashamed of my behaviour and am frightened to talk out loud to anyone, because then this is a real thing, right?)

I think I'm going crazy.

And I wish I was just being dramatic. Maybe I am. Maybe I've lost my grip on reality so much that I can't tell anymore.

I will explain a bit of background, I have an amazing boyfriend. We haven't been together officially all that long but I have known him for a long time. He surprises me with flowers, buys me anything (he thinks) I want ((I'm not really a gifts person but he does it anyway)) he has allowed me to stop working full time to be a part of his business... Loads of stuff. But he doesn't want to marry me and is open about that, isn't very touchy feely and has an overwhelming need to be right about everything.

He's been married before. And keeps pictures of himself and her kissing outside the church. Something that I've always been upset about, jealous if anything. But recently I have started to feel really paranoid and upset about EVERYTHING. I can't stop comparing my relationship to theirs. The fact he had a puppy with her but won't have one with me. The fact that she and I have the same first name. The fact that he married her but openly says he won't marry me. How much he cherishes the photos of them together (even though she has remarried).

On top of this I'm nearly a month into taking a new pill. My mood swings are unreal and we have had four massive fights in the last three weeks. Usually when I have had a drink.

Am I going crazy, should I feel like this and is there a chance it's my pill. My head is so mixed up that I can't tell whether I am being unreasonable or if I feel like this for a genuine reason?! I have never been insecure as far as I remember but at the moment I hate myself.

I need help. I need an outside totally unrelated voice to tell me what they think. Please help before I lose my mind all together.

Sorry this post is so long, I've needed to talk about this for a while.

Thanks in advance.

he has allowed me to stop working full time to be a part of his business...

I think you need to regain some control of your life and your thoughts. You may have become far too dependant on him.

If you haven't been together that long and you're already feeling paranoid and insecure, where do you think this is headed? Ultimately, it doesn't sound like you want the same thing...

Firstly, calm down. Take a deep breath.

It's unusual to keep wedding pictures once divorced. Where are they? Does he have kids with her?

I won't have a puppy again, so that means nothing. I Just don't want another puppy.

You need to stop comparing yourself to her. You may also need to speak to your doctor regarding your pill.

You say you argue when you drink? Are you getting drunk and starting arguments? That's not ok.

Also, say you are right, he is still in love with his ex. What's your financial position if he breaks it off with you.

You say he 'allowed' you to work for him. Are you a registered employee, get a good wage (for the job) ? Can he get rid of you if you split?

I own a business with dh. We have been married for 15 years. I can't see us splitting anytime soon. However I made sure that both of us were Pete red in the event of divorce as it's the source of both our incomes.

Sorry for all the questions, but it's difficult to give advice or say wether you are paranoid or not from your post.

The fact is that you want to be married and feel secure and this relationship is not going to meet your needs. If it were, you just wouldnt feel like this.

Curren. Thanks for commenting. Im an employee with shares, but essentially if we split yes he could fire me I guess. He isn't the type to screw me over. He is a very good man. I just think I may be a head case. I wish it was a week day so I could see my GP. I've never been like this before

Yes I think perhaps deep down I feel out of control. In my previous relationship I was very much the boss. That couldn't be further from the truth here

He has the photos of here in his drawers at work but used to have some in the house too (not up or displayed, just stored) should I care? Am I unreasonable to question this (this is something we argue about)

OP do not bank on him being decent guy. Most of us have done something a bit shitty (lots of people do extremely shitty things) during splits.

If you really thing he is a good person, why does having a photo bother you.

I think you have put yourself in a very vulnerable position and realise he will never give you the stability you want. And it's messing with your head.

You need to see code wether you can live with not getting married. In fairness, he hasn't strung you along. He has been clear. If you can't accept that, it's not the relationship for you.

The photos don't matter. I am sure some people do keep wedding photos. The wedding and relationship happened. Getting rid of photos doesn't erase that.

God I hate my I phone. Sorry for the typos

You need to see code wether you can live with not getting married.

this should say 'You need to see if you can live with not getting married'

did his ex leave him because he was controlling?

What pill are you on? I was on one once that made me really paranoid about every aspect of my life.

That said, it's very odd that he's kept wedding photos even now he's divorced.

What are his reasons for keeping the photos when you've questioned it?

I don't think having photos is odd. They are part of his history. I would be very annoyed if asked to get rid of ex's photos. It doesn't mean that I want them back again. However it is odd to keep them in a drawer at work, unless he removed them from the house in response to your moaning.

His fingers have been burnt once with regard to marriage and puppies. Again that is no reflection on you.

I think you feel out if control as suggested above.

It's worth talking to the go about the pills too.

Be careful your jealousy and questioning doesn't drive him away.

It seems strange to me that be buys you things that you actually don't want, because he thinks you want them and so "does it anyway". Do you feel that he really listens to you when you tell him something? It also seems odd that he has "allowed" you to work for his business, not working for him in itself but the language you use to explain that you're employed by him, IYKWIM.

I agree with other posters that you need to take some control back over your life. If you don't want presents he shouldn't be buying them for you (presumably then you feel you ought to show him gratitude when actually you don't want it in the first place - this seems like s subtle way to influence or control someone).

I may be misreading but that jumped out at me and I don't think it's a coincidence that you're feeling unsettled.

Thank you to everyone who's posted, this is so refreshing hearing thoughts of others

I'll try to answer questions from above in one go here

• i don't think his ex left him for being controlling but I'm not sure.

• I'm on Desogestrel. I'm new to it; have been taking it for about three weeks now.

• he says he wants tin keep them for the memories. He has the whole album somewhere.

• I'm never sure if he is listening TBH. Not sure if that's just a man thing? He tries to please me with presents. I rather have a hug than a gift.

I would come off the pill - every pill/contraceptive injection/ implant/ coil I've had turns me into a paranoid grumpy anxious nightmare to live with!

OP regardless of what is and isn't going on with your relationship - when my GP switched me from Cerelle to Desogestrel I felt like I was going crazy! Awful moodswings, paranoia, depression... it was terrible! Even though Cerelle and Desogestrel are meant to be exactly the same.
Stop taking it (you will probably feel a bit worse for a few days) and get back to your GP asap for a review of your contraception

Not the pill but the implant turned me into a complete loon. Stop taking it today, use condoms until you can see your gp.

I'm not divorced but I know lots of people who are and keeping wedding photos is not unusual. It's part of their history and usually away they felt good and really enjoyed at the time. Sometimes if it's been a very bitter split I've known them to be binned but having paid all that money it's common to tuck them away. If there are kids (which I don't think there are this time?) it's nice for them too.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. Can I ask if you said you wanted to give up full time work and were actively looking for it or he suggested it?

Btw I get horribly paranoid for a day or two each month; I can convince myself my marriage is over among other things like I'm going to be sacked etc, so hormone imbalances can do weird things in your brain.

Well, there are a few red flags with your dp, but the way you've described how you feel, the confusion and not being able to trust your own judgement, does sound a bit like hormonal craziness to me! If it is then you won't be able to think straight to work out if the relationship is ok or not, so I would deal with that first.

I'm going to stop taking this pill today. I don't reconiss myself and I think I'm looking for and forcing links to everything else to make sense of it. I want to blame the way I feel on him.

I was doing the same ish job for someone else so it made sense for us to do it together, but essentially I just work for him now - which, even if everything else was rosy and I wasn't a complete crazy person at the moment - would still be hard anyway I think.