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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of DS relationship with his dad's gf?

26 replies

honeyJD · 26/05/2016 17:44

My ex has been seeing a woman for about 6 months now. My son is 11 and we share custody 50/50 between us. Tonight was the first time we've all attended a social event together. I was here with DS and then ex and his gf turns up and DS runs up to her and gives her a massive hug, and another one when she left. This has upset me so much, I rarely get hugs from DS now as he's getting to that age. It just hurt a lot. They also text each other, she's said in a text after he'd been ill "hope you feel better today, I've been worried about you" not your place to be worried about my child Hmm am I being hyper sensitive?

OP posts:
araiba · 26/05/2016 17:48

yes

PPie10 · 26/05/2016 17:49

I think Yanbu to feel upset but look at it from the point of view that your DS likes her and they get along. It would be much worse if she wasn't nice to him and couldn't do anything about it.

Kpo58 · 26/05/2016 17:49

Would you feel better if he hid razor blades in her handbag instead?

MTPurse · 26/05/2016 17:51

I know it must be hard but be grateful they have a good relationship and she isn't a SM from hell.

There can never bee to many loving and caring adults in a Childs life imo.

TheNaze73 · 26/05/2016 17:51

YABVU

MTPurse · 26/05/2016 17:51

*be too

SaveSomeSpendSome · 26/05/2016 17:52

I understand were you are coming from.

It would be very hurtful to me if my son or daughter wouldnt hug me but would more than happily hug someone else!

I do think its much much better that he likes her rather than dislikes her.

Whatafrickennightmare · 26/05/2016 17:53

Yep. I'm a step parent and if my step son is ill I genuinely am worried.I'm not his mum and will never try and be his mum but I do still care for him and worry.

NickiFury · 26/05/2016 17:56

Yes it's good they get on, it's great she cares about him blah blah blah but it's not one bit unreasonable to feel a bit jealous and sad about it. It would only be unreasonable if you tried to get in the way of it.

WannaBe · 26/05/2016 18:07

"not your place to be worried about my child." this kind of jealous attitude will filter down towards your child if you're not careful. She may well become a permanent fixture in your ex's life, may have children of her own and that will make her mother to your ds' siblings. It is far more preferable that they have a good relationship than the alternative.

People under estimate the impact it has on the children when an incoming partner is either A, not a very nice person or B, when the children just don't take to them for whatever reason and this leads to them feeling unsettled.

People also under-estimate the impact on children when parents make their feelings of jealousy towards a new partner known, which leads them to feel they can't be open about their feelings for the incoming partner in front of the other parent.

Notagainmun · 26/05/2016 18:14

I understand your feelings but you have to hide them from everyone and it probably will get easier in time. Mum's often get taken for granted by their DC at certain ages and they think everybody is cooler than mum. Part and parcel of motherhood. Don't sweat it.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 26/05/2016 18:18

Well jealousy is an uncontrollable emotion which means if you could help it you wouldn't have such feelings, so YNBU.
However it's much better than your son gets on with her.

cbigs · 26/05/2016 18:20

Yeah this is one of those 'totally understandable but you've got to suck it up '
Things I'm afraid . Been there done that myself . Far better for him that he likes her . She's still novel and no one will replace his mum. I get it op but you need to let it be ok for him. X

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 26/05/2016 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Adelecarberry87 · 26/05/2016 19:08

Perfectly natural to feel a little jealous. When we have children with someone we choose who is involved in their life but when relationships break down and parents met new partners suddenly there's a person who you don't know involved quite closely in your child's life. I found it difficult in the beginning that my DS had a life separate to me as was a strange feeling as a parent.

My ex got with the OW as was out partying and doing drugs with her. She also hated kids. Least to say he wasn't seeing his son during this time they soon broke up. 7 years on ex has married a girl I went to school with very pleasant and my DS sees his dad and gets on very well with stepmom.

Amy214 · 26/05/2016 19:14

Yabu my dd loves a lady from her preschool and runs away from me to see her whenever i drop her off but it doesnt bother me because at least i know shes happy there and it helps me not to worry about her so much

justmyview · 26/05/2016 19:16

I think it's really important that your DS feels he has permission from you to have a positive relationship with his Dad's partner. In time, he'll thank you for it. Even if he takes you for granted now, you'll always be his Mum however strong his relationship with other significant adults

HostaFireandIce · 26/05/2016 19:16

I agree with those saying YANBU for feeling this way, but you do need to grin and bear it for your son's sake. He hugs her because he likes her, yes, but also because he's building a relationship with her of which he is still not entirely certain so he puts effort in and yes, she is novel. He is sure of his relationship with you, knows you love him etc. so he doesn't need to show affection in the same way and can afford to be embarrassed by the idea! You're his mum and that is special to you and to him, but it is better, as others have said, that she is a positive in his life.

facebookrecruit · 26/05/2016 19:19

YANBU to feel jealous but please don't act on it or let it consume you. So many kids end up with step parents who treat them like shit Sad

Original poster
honeyJD · 26/05/2016 19:20

Thanks everyone - sometimes it helps to know IABU to get things in perspective.

OP posts:
Littlepeople12345 · 26/05/2016 19:21

Yanbu to feel like that but I think it's nice that she clearly likes your DS and how can that be a bad thing? Please don't mention your feelings to your DS.

NavyAndWhite · 26/05/2016 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

readytorage · 26/05/2016 20:05

I can see why you're upset but it sounds like you've raised a well balanced and happy young boy who is a credit to you and exh.

OTheHugeManatee · 26/05/2016 20:12

I have a stepmother who has comprehensively alienated my dad from his three children, thanks to her toxic insecurity and tantrums.

Would you rather she be a jealous, insecure person quietly chipping away at your son's relationship with his dad? Thought not.

I sympathise with the jealousy but in the kindest possible way having a good relationship with his dad's partner is the best possible situation for your son so take a deep breath and rise above it. She's not his mum, you are, and all of you know it - this is just one more adult who cares about him and that's a good thing.

Ludways · 26/05/2016 20:48

I love my dsd with all my heart, she loves me too, we have s great relationship and she turns to me for advice and support. However, I can tell you I'll never replace her mum, or even come close, plus none of us would want that. Mum and child, is beyond what we have, in many ways, mostly I can't put my finger on it. Lol

Your ds will have a good time and will laugh and feel comfortable when things are good, he may even turn to her when things aren't going so good, but you'll always be mum, mum is special, it's beyond friend.

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