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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset by DD2?

44 replies

ReginaTheVelociraptor · 26/05/2016 16:07

DD2 (5) has always been a daddy's girl right off the bat. DD1 (7) has always been more for me but it's more of an equal split of fondness than with DD2. I've always been a bit jealous of their bond but I don't let on.

Recently DD2 is being more and more vocal in her favouritism. I feel like such a child but it honestly upsets me. DH and DD2 were in the garden yesterday and DD2 said "Let's play families. I'm the baby, DD1 is the big sister and our mummy is dead". DH corrects her, tells her it's not nice to say that about mummy even if it's a game and all the things I would do in the same situation but I just cried into the washing up.

I know I'm being a bit U but I was hoping someone would tell me whether I'm being a total idiot over it or if it would upset you too? Every time she cuddles with me it's like she's being forced to until DH is available again. It's so strange as DHA has never shown any favouritism to either DD and neither have I

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/05/2016 18:24

Regina, one thing in your post at 16.53 leapt out at me.. where you say that DD2's personality is like her father's and DD1's is like yours. I know you say that your husband shows no favouritism but, do you, in your heart of hearts, think that it's even remotely possible that your DD2 is picking up that you are bothered by her overt favouritism of her father and that your behaviour is different towards her than to your DD1?

I don't mean that you're 'playing favourites' but that it's possible that you're allowing the personality differences - and alliances - to become bigger and more distorted because you feel that DD2 is rejecting you? What I mean is that, if you're having to cope with a child who is showing outright favouritism to her other parent, it must be comforting to you to ally yourself with your DD1 and justify it along the lines of personalities being more DD2/father and DD1 and you?

If your DD2 gets a notion of that, perhaps she is playing up accordingly?

I'm sorry if any of my post prickles but my mum always referred to me as her 'best friend', confidante, etc., - not at 5 - but she always treated me like that - and I really, really resented it. It still rankles. It's important that your DD1 doesn't find herself 'put in your team' by default because her sister is a daddy's girl.

I don't know what the best solution is over and above both of you - you and your husband - making time individually for your daughters (also individually) so that you and they get to bond one-on-one as well as in a family situation.

I'm really sorry though, you do sound very upset.

Olddear · 26/05/2016 18:25

Two children I heard playing outside were making up a game .....'and we're sisters and mummy has died in a fire!!!'

corythatwas · 26/05/2016 18:26

Screeenshotting is probably spot on about it being about them discovering mortality and working it through.

I once tried to write a traditional children's book where the parents were still around. It was bloody difficult (and no, never got as far as submitting to publisher stage).

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 26/05/2016 18:45

I'm with the people saying it was just a game and she doesn't actually want you to be dead.

Children often play that they are alone for some reason and have to "survive" - and yes it is interesting that that is a premise of a lot of children's fiction.

Sometimes Dd says she wishes she had a sister instead of one of her brothers but she isn't actually wishing them dead (she is older) - I tell her little sisters aren't any less annoying than little brothers (I have a shed load of sisters...) My own 5 yo is endlessly fascinated in what appears to be a totally unsentimental, rather clinical way atm by exactly when he should expect each individual human and animal in his life to be dead, measured in terms of how old he himself will be at the time

leadcrow · 26/05/2016 18:47

Screenshottingisnotjournalism - omg you're right!

Trying to think of as many Disney princesses as possible now...

Cinderella - dead mum, evil steppy
Snow White - dead mum
Sleeping beauty - mum absent for 16 years, incompetent faries in charge
Arial - dead/ absent mum
Belle - dead/absent mum
Jasmine - dead/absent mum
Mulan - uh can't remember if dead or just trying to hurriedly marry her off...but mulan was worried about her dad fighting? Therefore daddy's girl
Elsa - both parents repressive. Then dead.
Rapunzel - evil fake mother
The one out of Brave - mother is a bear (yeah I was like WOT?)

Can't think of any more off the top of my head. Any story with a mother in it wouldn't be a story because mum would just be like 'get home and have a cup of tea, I'll sort all of this mess out'.

Justbeingnosey123 · 26/05/2016 19:06

For the record Mulans mum is alive
Swan princess is another with a dead mum and then don't even start on the animal films traumatising.

As the previous post have said unless they are evil or an authority to rebel against parents aren't in kids fiction, which is really all a imaginary game is in the end. It's a normal stage I'm sure it was nothing more sinister

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/05/2016 19:19

"...mummy is dead" I think I'd be a bit stunned too tbh but children do have the oddest ideas for games. It played on your mind because she's already favouring her other parent. On the bright side, your DH said the right thing and I'm glad you were out of sight and able to hide your dismay. Perhaps she is the type to feel smothered rather than mothered. If she allows you the occasional (if rare!) cuddle it can't be all bad. She keeps you at bay all the better to focus on her dad. Instead, try and have a special part of the day that you and she spend together, or some sort of fun activity that is just for the two of you. Also, don't allocate all the fun jobs to DH, if he hasn't had to face things like shampooing her hair or combing through knots it is time he had a go.

Waterhill · 26/05/2016 19:41

Please don't let it get to you. I had similar with DS2. He used to say to me: "I don't even need you here!"

I guess it's slightly different, but I don't think it's meant in that way.

He never says anything like that now.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 26/05/2016 20:33

You are the 'rock' - solid, reliable, always there. She doesn't need to work for your love & attention. She does for daddy's.

Be careful telling her off for things she says in pretend play. They need to work through things. She's not saying she wishes you were dead, she's saying that in her game there is no one to mother them.

It does hurt when you are the one running around after them making sure their every need is met, but the minute Daddy is on the scene you get forgotten & he's the hero of the piece. But you have to remember it's not that she favours him, it's that she's working to get his approval & his love.

However, also make sure that when he is home he's doing his fair share of the boring shite while you play with them & that things get left in favour of all doing stuff together.

Original poster

ReginaTheVelociraptor · 28/05/2016 23:46

To the person who said is it possible I could be playing favourites (I don't know how to tag you or bold your name), it could well be. I don't mean to do it but I do find myself having more conversations with DD1. I'm going to be more mindful of this in the future. I don't want this to be something in my life.

I'm glad people seem to think it's quite normal. DD2 and I had a lovely day today with DD1 and DH. It's these moments that reassures me IABU but it just hurts so much. I have no idea how to get into the minds of children and I hoped I'd kind of get a bit of a clue when they were my own. Nope

OP posts:

janey77 · 28/05/2016 23:54

My DD is pretty much the same, always been Daddy's girl (she's planning on marrying him when she gets older, I've tried to explain it's not allowed lol). Last week we were all in the living room and she was telling him how he was her favourite and I did have to point out that I was there and I've got ears!! I think it's because I'm always the "bad cop" but soft and easily manipulated Daddy can do no wrong!

Original poster

ReginaTheVelociraptor · 28/05/2016 23:56

Do you ever feel hurt and have to mentally pull yourself together? I'm not overly emotional but this cuts me real deep.

OP posts:

TheWindInThePillows · 29/05/2016 00:05

Have you tried the 'love bombing' idea? It sounds a bit crazy and woo, but I think it's a great way to reconnect in with a child when you go through a phase where you just don't seem to get them, or it's all a bit stressful. I've gone through these phases with each child and also phases where we click much better. I have had to make an effort at times to do things together til it feels more natural- have a go at lovebombing your dd2, you might be surprised how much she enjoys having your attention to herself and doing things together. And if it doesn't happen right now, it will happen in a year or two.

I would also stop thinking in terms of 'Daddy's girl', I think that idea is a bit destructive and also stops the kind of switching and reconnecting that is perfectly normal between dads/mums and different children. It isn't the same in our household when the children were 2 years old, to 6 years old, to teens. Don't get this 'Daddy's girl' thing stuck at all, and certainly don't feel rejected by a 5 year old, just wait til they start saying 'I hate you and wish you were dead' which my very loving now teen said to me when she was about 8. I think you have to get your big girl pants on and decide that you are going to love her, whatever she says or does and keep very calm in the face of any testing- it will work.

Original poster

ReginaTheVelociraptor · 29/05/2016 03:17

I have just started with the love bombing.

I'll never not love her no matter what she says or does. I honestly think that I felt I should have some sort of equal claim over her affections which sounds and looks ridiculous written down.

OP posts:

Nataleejah · 29/05/2016 07:48

I remember myself at that age, playing families with a friend. Since we didn't bring out any dolls that day, we pretended our children were dead now i think -- how creepy

BigMamaFratelli · 29/05/2016 08:04

We have this with dd2 only it's DP (her dad) she's not keen on rather than me. He was starting to get really hurt by it.

They've just spent two whole days together just the two of them and it's made a world of difference. Can you engineer some one on one time with her?

HazelBite · 29/05/2016 08:13

My niece was a real Daddy's girl as a child, when she hit her teens she was hateful towards him and became close to her Mother, as a Mum herself now she is equally close to both.

Vixyboo · 29/05/2016 09:25

I would suggest it is a normal developmental stage. I did a course and on it we learnt about how children often go through a phase of being very attached to the parent of the opposite sex.

Currently my ds is obsessed with me. This is not easy on me or dp! Dp is currently with him trying to play but ds is crying for me! He gets me full time 5 days a week! I need a break!

Vixyboo · 29/05/2016 09:32

Manhattan I love your post. I can relate to it so well!

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