DD2 doesnt want to go to inlaws this weekend. AIBU in keeping her home?

[hairyfreckle]

So I made a thread a few days ago about my MIL wanting to pay to take us to Orlando. Im still on my name change so if you search for the thread it should come up.

Anyway. MIL just isnt very good with children. DP and BIL have both said this.

She parents/grandparents differently to me and DH. We are openly loving parents/try not to loose our temper and shout in front of them/compliment them etc.

She is a shouty aggressive type person. Doesnt do physical contact- DH has said he honestly cant remember the last time his Mum gave him a hug and hes been through a shit time the last few years. DD2 is very clingy- even though she is 9 she does still like cuddles on the sofa and likes to get into bed with and DH (or my Mum if shes here) when she gets frightened. MIL wouldnt allow this and would probably loose her temper. She would have her big sister to cuddle up to but sometimes it isnt enough for her and sometimes DD1 wants her own space which I of course understand especially now she is getting older and has started her periods. ( she is 12 in September)

She gets bery anxious being away from home- it isnt being away from me/DH (although she is a lot easier to calm down if one of us is there). She cant even go to sleepovers 3/4 doors down without getting upset. She went to a sleepover a few weeks ago next door and would only just abouy settle down when I left our dinner party and I came and tucked her in- it took an hours tantrum and I think she only fell asleep because she exhausted herself. Its weird, because she adores our next door neighbour probably more than me and DH who is very good and patient with her. DD1 is the complete opposite- will go on school trips, sleepovers, trips to my Mums/in laws on her own quite happily.

DD went on a holiday with MIL and DH and it was a nightmare. I ended up having to fly out and bring her home. DH is a bit spineless and tends to just do as his mother says. She can be very manipulative and very moody when she doesnt get her own way so I do understand it in a way- but at the same time I feel he isnt looking after DDs best interests. She hasnt tried to go away away without me since.

Anyway- its half term next week. Its also DNieces birthday on Tuesday. I cant take leave until Monday, but MIL has offered to drive down and pick the girls up on Friday from school and take them there fornthe weekend and me and DH will join them on Monday afternoon.

AIBU to say no? I know DD will get wound up, MIL will loose her temper, DH will aide with her and DD will get even more upset.

MIL has said I need to "stop pandering to silly tantrums and tell her to get on with it".

She has said to me this morning she doesnt want to go without me.

I think she needs to spend a shorter amount of time with mil in order to get used to her abrupt ways before staying for a full weekend.

Seems pointless to me. You know DD will want to come home.Perhaps only agree if your DH acknowledges that he'll need to bring her back if he can't manage her upset.

As for your MIL, she sounds incapable of dealing with your DD. Even if she's 9 and not 3, her anxiety is real and I can't I imagine anything but encouragement and support will help her to feel more secure. I would have been very scared of your MIL as a little girl, I was also very sensitive and clingy with my parents and found sleepovers difficult. By 16 I had gone abroad to college and was absolutely fine.Let her grow up and become.more independent in her own time.

No I don't think YABU but from the sounds on it, you need to work on your daughters anxiety and tantrums!

hsperson.com/books/the-highly-sensitive-child/

I wouldn't send her. She sounds highly sensitive and respecting her feelings isn't pandering to her or whatever.

Fwiw my parents never acknowledged or respected my sensitivities and it not only damaged my mental health, but our relationship too.

My DD appears to be highly sensitive too. No bloody way am I making the same mistakes as my parents and I couldn't give a shit if anyone thinks I'm pandering to her!

And your MIL sounds like a twat

and I also wouldn't have gone on the Orlando holiday over my dead body! And I don't understand the fuss, Orlando is nothing special

No, yanbu - your dd2 will gain confidence in her own time, not by being forced into situations she isn't comfortable with (with an unsympathetic Grandma to add to the stress).

You really do have a dh problem though, he's not helping!

I would also have serious problems with my husband if he sided with his mother instead of actually caring for an upset child. She's 9 not 19!!!

But agree I also wouldn't let a 9 year old tantrum

YANBU. Don't force her into a situation she's clearly not comfortable with, it's not going to do anyone any favours.

Say she has plans to see a friend or something and that you'll bring her up with you on Tuesday, but that DD1 can go if she wants.

"MIL, DD2 is a home bird. You may see it as pandering - I see it as listening to the kind of person she is. We will simply have to agree to disagree. DD2 isn't up for coming up earlier for the weekend, however I am sure DC1 would enjoy it. Would you like me to send DC1 or shall we all wait till we see you Monday?"

You sat with her while she tantrumed for an hour on a sleepover instead of just taking her home? And she's 9?

I can see both sides tbh.

Your mil is hardly sympathetic to your daughters sensitivities and your dh siding against his own child is diabolical, there's no way I'd allow time together without me under these circumstances.

I had a sensitive child, no way would I pander like you do, she would have to learn I'm afraid.
Flying out to collect from a holiday, really? I do know what it's like when they are clingy, my sensitive was quite bad until about 7, then became more independent, so you have my sympathy.
I think tantrums unless accompanied by a sn should really be nipped in the bud as toddlers.

My ds2 is a little like your DD2. He is a homebird and likes it when we are all there. However I certainly would not put up with the behaviour that you are experiencing.

By flying out to her etc you are just reinforcing that belief that there is something to be scared off if your not there.

I'm not sure tantrum is the right word. She may be trying to express anxiety and plead for an end to the situation in the only way that will be effective.

No, I wouldn't send her. If she goes anywhere it should be to somewhere 'safe' where she will be supported in her attempts to self soothe. But at nine, I wouldn't make an issue of it at all.

Going somewhere that her anxiety is treated as silliness and bad behaviour could be making this much worse, i think.

Your MIL shouldn't be feeling so free to tell you what to do and how to parent, especially since she is an unhelpful influence in this situation. Your dd is a nine year old with anxiety issues but she is a bad tempered adult with aggression and boundary issues. The most stable child alive might prefer not to have an overnight with her.

As for your dh, I'm not even going to start...

YANBU, but I am aghast that MIL is not responding to a flat "No thanks." She is your child and you don't have to explain your reasons.

Just say no and keep repeating it. Try not to give explanations as that's what she is then feeding off. No, that doesn't work for us should suffice.

Is DH going to give your grief now or will he back you up (crucial)

I feel like forcing her to go will probably make her even more anxious. She needs to get used to being away from you on her terms- when she is 12 and all her friends are doing sleepovers she will soon go. No rush, its unlikely as a teenager she will be reluctant to leave. Since you don't actually need her to go then don't make her.

Wow, you and your Mil are at 2 massive extremes. I wouldn't send her this weekend if she doesn't want to go. But an hour long tantrum with you tucking her in?! I'd have just brought her home! And what's the story behind flying out?!

Tbh I wouldn't send her no but you in the nicest way your dd is what a year 4 year 5? I think that you need to work on her anxieties and you also need to be on the same page as your dh you obviously don't like you MIL which is fine but repeatedly calling your dh spineless and other rather unkind things makes me think your dd can probably quite easily play the two of you off against each other and get what she wants

"stop pandering to silly tantrums and tell her to get on with it"

Anyone who said this to me about my child would not be looking after them for any period of time.

Just say you have plans at the weekend and you will take the kids down as arranged.

I feel like forcing her to go will probably make her even more anxious

This
And going to stay with someone with such a different parenting to the OPs is not ideal.

I saw your other thread and didn't respond as it was unbearably similar to a situation in my family, except it is my own DM involved.

I would be very worried about your DDs spending any time alone (or at all) with your DMIL, I fear DD2 will be (if she is not already) a scapegoat.

^^I should have said I didn't respond to your Orlando thread because I couldn't even find the words. It was my DNeice involved who ended up being bad-mouthed behind her back and made to cry on family meet-ups for years until 'D'M was found out. DM had managed to make her look like an oversensitive kid. She was vicious about her to others especially her cousins, silent treatment etc. I spotted it as soon as I saw DM in action as she has in fact done the same to me all my life.

We all now wish our kids had never even met their DGM.

I think this will get worse for you and your family so if you can manage to stand up for your DDs now.

DD3 was clingy and a 'home bird' until she was well into her teens (she's18 now). I never pushed the issue, i let her be. If she told me she didn't want to go somewhere i didn't make her. (not inc. school).

It's awkward sometimes when it means pissing other people off but your first responsibility is doing what you think is right by your DD.

I'm a highly sensitive person. So is my DD. Your mil sounds narcissistic and a lot like my mother except she's far too tight to pay for a big family all expense paid trip to Disney . I was severely damaged by her and have spent years and thousands of pounds on counselling. My DD (almost 8) has started to develop strategies to deal with my mother and she is luckily a better grandmother than parent. If I didn't think my DD could deal with my mother, I wouldn't leave her alone with her even for a couple of hours. As it is, grandma knows not to overstep because DD and I have a very close relationship and I don't let mother demean or hurt my DD. Dd comes and talks to me immediately she thinks grandma is being unfair - some of the time grandma is other times she isn't and DD is being sensitive, which is normal after the awful things said about her by her grandma to me - which DD and I discussed as it related to a specific incident.

It would appear your DD2 has not had the chance to develop strategies to deal with your mil. My DD is also more outgoing and I expect outspoken than yours so it is likely easier as well. We spend a lot of time talking about grandma and how she looks like a grown up but isn't one - she's a tall child. It's quite funny because my 7 yr old DD is actually now more mature than her grandma.

So in answer to your question, no I would definitely not be sending your DD to your mil without being personally present to protect her. I would, however, be teaching her strategies to deal with mil and bolstering her self esteem. These are the sort of strategies, which will also help should she be bullied by other children.