To have my 'bad egg' sensors in full warning mode, and so ruin a friend's happiness?

[Squashybanana]

Back story : My friend ('Sue') is quite vulnerable, out of quite a loveless marriage, two teenaged kids, no contact with their dad. She is not the best at keeping the place tidy and clean though it is acceptable, looks 'lived in'.

She has been chatting online with a guy (I'll call him Simon) for a few weeks and they met last week and are 'head over heels'. He has been round to her place daily since, she says they are 'completely in love'. He has aspergers and she thinks she has characteristics of aspergers. I only mention this because it may allow for alternative explanations of his behaviour, not because I am suggesting 'all aspergers people are bad' or anything.

So since Sunday on her facebook pictures have been appearing, before and after pics of her rooms. First pics she put up and it was a bathroom makeover. I thought nothing of it until someone commented that it looked nicer and her response was 'Thanks. Simon suggested I needed more bathroom storage so we did it, and of course he was right!' My first instinct was - you have known this guy 3 days and he is 'suggesting' changes to your house?

Since then - we are only on Wednesday - He has been posting pics on HIS facebook page (I see them because he tags her). One was of her undersink cupboard before and after he reorganised it. Todays was of mess on the kitchen floor and dust piles, he photographed it beforehand, then the dust pile, then the after picture. All her friends are commenting 'He's a keeper!' and she is like 'I know, right?!' (they are American so perhaps naturally less cynical than me??)

My instinct is that this is WAY off in the first week of a relationship. He is writing supportive stuff under it, like, 'You work all day, let me take care of this for you' but I have red flags in meltdown. He has known her face to face less than a week. If he was quietly helping out at home I'd think that was possibly a bit anal or controlling but I am really uncomfortable about the way he is posting his (very new) girlfriend's messy house pics and how marvellous he has been sorting it out. It seems immensely controlling to me.

Should I say anything? All I have said so far is 'take it slow'. She is ecstatically happy. I am concerned she says she is hopelessly in love after a 5 day relationship. This has disaster written all over it to me.

Am I being weird getting red flags over this? And am I being unreasonable to want to tell her what it is that concerns me? I bet she won't listen anyway...

Hermione actually he has pointed out she needed extra storage in the bathroom and helped her put up his choice of storage solution. He has tidied her pantry, understairs junk cupboard, and under sink cupboard (all of which looked normal before). He has swept and cleaned her kitchen floor. (This isn't unusual, my husband sweeps the floor every day. He doesn't put pictures of him doing so on social media so people praise him for it.) He has also done a couple of mends. They met last Friday (5 days ago). She has vulnerable kids and is vulnerable herself. It's not that he is doing it so much (I still think too full on for a 5 day relationship) but that he is putting up pictures of how great he is. A bit like those grandiose wedding proposal videos; what and who is this for?

This reminds me of an ex years ago. In the first few weeks of dating him, I left him in my flat and went to work.

When I returned he had tidied the whole place and reorganised cupboards.

I felt violated. I also couldn't find things for weeks after.
It turned out he was controlling and while tidying, had been through some of my documents, read old letters and looked at my diary.

Even if your friend's man has Aspergers, which may affect his judgement, I still think it all sounds too intense.
Just make her aware that you're there for her if there are any problems. I suspect any other advice would fall on deaf ears.

So she's out at work all day - what is he doing?

I think it's one thing to tidy up for her if she'd like that, but to put pictures of the mess on FB isn't right.

Curren after I posted and got the first couple of messages, I put a very oblique message along the lines of ' So delighted for you, glad you are happy, just take it nice and slow, ok?' and she responded saying he was helping not controlling. Maybe someone else had already raised itmord directly, or maybe it is very much in her mind (in which case I am doing her a disservice). I replied 'glad to hear it's and gave no intention of raising it again. I was adding that comment by way of updating the thread. I do appreciate there is sod all I can do, just wanted other perspectives on his behaviour and whether I need to check in with her that all is well periodically or if people think he sounds entirely unsinister.

I see the same red flags as you, but as ever in these stories, it's up to her to decide if she's unhappy with it.

But feel free to express your surprise whenever she tells you stuff that sounds like she's minimizing controlling behaviour. When people are deep in denial, another person's shock about behaviour they've accepted can be a useful nudge.

But she's put up photos as well - why is it a red flag for him to do so, and not her? Presumably she's letting him do all this stuff - I don't see it as a big deal, tbh.

When I got together with ex-DP he was living in a flat-share and didn't have much stuff. We went out the weekend after as he needed furniture/appliances/etc. and gave my input, and some of the stuff he bought was due to my suggestion. It wasn't because I was controlling him it was because he asked and I offered my opinion/reasoning and he went with it.

We were together for three and a half years and broke up for reasons that had nothing to do with me helping him decorate so soon into our relationship!

You've warned her already, she said she's fine, so you have to respect her choice and step back now. It's not fair to keep badgering her - if he is controlling, she'll be forced into his arms and it'll cause problems down the line. Be there for her, but don't offer an opinion on his behaviour unless she asks or is worried.

I think it is always a mistake to judge other people's relationships by what they decide to put on Facebook. It is just a small snapshot and an edited version.

People put all sorts of things on that make me wince, it's not my place to offering counselling because of their photos .

Hermione she put up the first pics (bathroom cabinet). He has done all the others but tagged her, but yes she doesn't appear upset by it. I am worried that she is mistaking signs of control for 'being looked after' and it is his publication of the pictures that worries me; it suggests he is not just doing it because he's a helpful guy and she asked him to, but for some sort of desire to establish his credentials and have people see him as a great guy, which is subtle different from actually just being a great guy.

Personally I'd be bothered with someone I am dating cleaning my house to that extent even a couple months in.

Never mind the gloats on fb.

Offering to do dishes or put them away is a nice gesture, full house clean and organisation screams you are broken and I'm going to fix you and when there's nothing else to fix il make you seem ungrateful for not keeping to my standard..

Just be there for her as a friend is all you can do.

Not going to badger her - no intention of saying any more on the subject!

I am obsessive when it comes to cleanliness and order. My missus will happily watch as I reorganise half the house every few days to put it all back in the correct place. It takes away my anxiety and makes me feel really relaxed while i am doing it, and it means she doesn't have to worry about the cleaning so its a win win really.

The only time it becomes a downside is when she interrupts me half way through as i experience a massive brain freeze until I'm finished.

Really not sure why she loves me sometimes. Must be my dashing good looks.....

I'm fairly sure I have aspergers. My house is arranged like Simon is doing. I'm also forever telling my GPs that i'd love to help them organise and declutter. They have a ton of crap that's quite messy (although they think tidy). They decline my kind offer (with good humour, even when I suggest a skip ) but if they gave me the green light! I'd be all over that shit. Maybe that's what your friend has said to Simon. I've also had friends say they would happily let me organise their paperwork etc (as all mine is) and they would if I said yes. Some people would jump at the chance to have someone organise for them, especially when they are shit/can't be bothered themselves.

it doesn't always though Helena. DH doesn't over tidy to criticise me, he does it because its compulsive. He simply cannot rest if a drawer has too much crap in it, if there is clutter or things have no system.

It can drive you to the brink, but it's not done with an intention to belittle or control me.

Fair enough TSS just my personal view ☺, I'm a naturally tidy and semi organised person and would take this sort of thing as a personal criticism and a red flag but can understand it's not one size fits all situation.

Different strokes for different folikes.

I have an autistic son and from early on he would have been delighted to organise like that. He spends hours tidying my daughters dolls house. He is also a lover of before and after pics too. I think he sounds very keen on your friend and desperate to please her! It is impossible to judge atypical behaviour when you are neurotypical. I bet your friends boyfriend would be horrified if he found out he was coming across as controlling.

I think the issue is that she's allowing the guy full access to her home - and her children - but she barely knows him. she sounds very naive and trusting.

I have Asperger's, as does DS, DH is neurotypical (NT). Reading through the thread I think that 'Simon's' behaviour is bizarre and you're right to be worried. I have a couple of Aspie male friends, plus my DSF is and yes, they can be quite obsessive at times. That said, so can NT men!

Be there and be supportive for 'Sue'. If it were me though, I'd hate being re-organised

I think the cleaning is a bit of a red herring (though it does ring some alarm bells for me - particularly that he seems to be using facebook to paint himself as super-boyfriend and her as the woman who can't manage without him).

I'd be more worried about the fact that a man she has met only five days ago seems to have made himself so at home in the house she shares with her DC. Does she even really know him? Do the DC feel comfortable with his level of involvement in their household so quickly?