to think this is bullying and my friend should report it

[Creasedupcrinkle]

My friend told me all this and as my kids are much younger I thought I'd ask for perspective here. My friend's little girl (Katie) is 11 and started high school in September. She's been coming home from school upset, with things missing from her pencil case. Then she said she didn't want a nice snack as "Anna will just take it." Then some perfume went missing from her bag and school friend told my friend "Anna has it all in her bedroom." And yesterday my friend looked on her daughter's iPad and there were messages addressed to HER from Anna saying "Dear Mrs. XYZ, I just wanted you to know the names we call your daughter" and a load of nasty spiteful names. The daughter was very upset but has made her swear not to go to school about it as Anna will "make her life hell." Apparently there's something else that Katie knows that she won't say, and is making her cry too. My friend seems reluctant to escalate but I think she must!

What should she do?

(Names changed, obviously!)

The conversation started because my eldest daughter has dyslexia and my friend suspects something similar in Katie and had asked me about it, a few months ago. Then Katie came home from school crying and wouldn't tell her what was wrong, so my friend was wracking her brain and asked me if I had mentioned Katie's dyslexia to anyone (my wee nieces are the same age and know each other from juniors but are at a different school) and wondered had it got back to Katie. I hadn't mentioned it to anyone at all and was rather put out that she thought I might, and then during the convo, she told me all the stuff about this Anna.

I would escalate it myself. I would contact the school exactly as you've written here. Even if the school can't take any official notice of it, it will just make them look out for anything, and if any other parents say anything they have two reports.

I have done this on a couple of occasions when I've observed something, although it has been schools I have a child at, and the school has been grateful and acted on it.

I wish I could but isn't that rather overstepping?

Tell Katie to punch Anna, only thing I ever found that worked on bullies.

Well your friend is a wimp and teaching Katie to believe that she can't stand up for herself, just as her mother doesn't.

Personally I would have beaten a path to the Head's office as soon as I got wind of it.

Me too. I'm very sad and disappointed she's taking this line.

No, I don't think it is overstepping. You don't go in with "this is happening and I demand this happens as a result". You write down everything your friend has told you, adding that she and dd are afraid of repercussions if she says anything. You do it as "I was told, and I believe...."
That gives the school the ability to choose to either look into in closer or not. Even if they choose to not take it further, it means if something else happens that is seen or reported then it won't be seen as a one off. It also means that if someone else comes forward who is involved then they have another independent report which can add credentials to an otherwise unconvincing narrative.

In one of the cases when I wrote a report on something I'd seen, the school was aware that there was an issue around this lad, but the bullies hunted in a pack and backed each other up. The lad refused to say anything or give names so there was little they could do.
Once I'd written to the head, they could go in hard telling the bully group that the had a report from someone who had witnessed it. No it didn't stop it entirely, but it brought it into the open and reduced it down considerably.

If there is anything on social media take screen shots. School will need proof if the complaint comes from a 3rd party. But please please please report it. The poor kid must be having a terrible time and these things can escalate very quickly into kids doing very stupid things. I deal with the fall out of bullying every day and it is tough - this is when being a parent means going against your child's wishes.

Thing is, even if no one's mentioned dyslexia to any of the other children, there's a fair chance they'll have noticed any difficulties she has with reading (especially out loud) or spelling, or even some of the more subtle dyslexic traits around organisation and coordination.

It made a massive difference to our DS's self esteem to know why he struggles with some aspects of school and that it's not his fault if some things are so much harder for him to master.

I really hope she talks to school, or even mentions some things just to start a conversation going.

Could you maybe help her draft (and send) an email with some of the key issues? There's usually a genetic school email address that she could send to asking to be forwarded to Katie's teacher.

I agree re dyslexia etc but my friend as you can tell, is not one to grasp the nettle. And this is defo not what she is being bullied about.

My experience is secondary schools are very switched on to this behaviour - too many Anna's about unfortunately!

They can be sensitive and suggest "it has come to our attention" rather than DD said X Y Z

Does DD have any friends? Can she move form groups? Any escape - like a safe room at school?

I don't know, she's not my child.

It's really great that you care about her, there's only ever going to be so far you can help though, and that's okay. Hope her mum realises she needs to step up.

Sorry I still don't understand if she has already emailed the school, as you posted above, or whether you were mistaken about that?

She said she emailed the school, but I didn't see the email and I think it was a very gentle prod rather than actually repeating what she told me.

Thanks for clarifying. With any luck the school will have a zero tolerance policy on bullying and will take action based on even minimal information.

Hope so. We are away this week so I'll catch up with her when we get back.