To be really angry about this even though it doesn't effect me

[Abbinob]

Dp has a DD who is in long-term foster care.
Long story short:
Had DD when he was 16, with his ex, call her A
Relationship broke down after a yea, contact between C and DP going fine until A gets new boyfriend. Stops contact. Has 2 more children with new partner
DP applies for contact etc through court, this takes about 2 years, constant delays and fact finding thingies etc.
Meanwhile C and other 2 get taken into care. neglect and abuse. Have read the paperwork and it's really fucked up. this woman is borderline evil.
Lots more court stuff as children are now in care, DP gets told C can live with him, but limited no contact with A, other 2 placed for adoption.
C didn't ever end up living with DP on recommendation of SS, basically, C didn't remember DP and had only heard lies about him from A. A referred to him as "bad daddy" and lied A LOT.
Contact between C and A reduced as A kept telling C that if she speaks to dp, she will never be able to see or live with A again.
Dp was having contact with C, but this was always veryo bviously stressful for C. DP agreed to C being placed for adoption after a year of contact getting nowhere nd only distressing C- Basicaly she could never live with A and didn't want to live with DP after what A had said about him. Adoption seemed the only way she would have a stable life not in constant foster placements etc. The main reason DP agreed to this is that it would mean that A would no lognger have contact with C.

Fast foward to now, C hasn't been adopted due to a lot of issues she has. A still has contact, DP doesn't. A is in long ter mfoster care and happy with where she lives, dp gets updates etc.

DP gets a letter the other month saying that as the adoption order is no longer in place, instead it's long term foster care, A is now appealing or something and wants A to live with her. SS tell DP that this is pretty certainly never going to happen, they can;t stop her going to court but there is no way A will live with her and they actually want to mae contact even less.

Now, every time i think or hear of this woman i get so angry. that poor girl, her poor silbings, this woman barely even gives a shit.

DP was told basically that no he can't have contact, he doesn't want to take it to court or force C to do anything she doesn't want to but he feels SS could have done a lot more to encourage C and his relationship in the first place after the courts agreed that C could live with him. They didn't even inform him when they took the children into care in the first place, he found out because of the other court stuff but they didn't contact him at all before they were taken into care.

this whole situation sometimes really gets to me, and it doesn't even have anything to do with me, other than that C is DS's silbing and one day we're going to have to explain all this to him.

She's had ANOTHER dc too. The woman is a twat.

I don't know what to say or do to help DP, other than atleast she has had the same foster family for 5 years and they seem really nice, but i just don't know what i would do if DS was off living with another family and i couldn't see him

[Abbinob]

It was because there was an adoption order (i think not a placement but an order to allow adoption sort of thing) which recently changed to a long term foster care thing, i don't know what that is called, but that meant that A was allowed to apply for residency.
A still has contact with C, that is what upsets DP the most.
I do understand that she might be damaged or whatever, i get that, but it is hard not to be angry at someone that purposely fucked up any chance of a relationship between C and DP. and she did. she lied about him in court, a lot. it was proven false. she lied about new boyfriend. she lied to C about DP. She told her it was DP's fault she wasn't living with A.
She told people exactly what she was doing.

[Abbinob]

Dapple- i got my A's and C's mixed up, sorry!
no only one A and one C

[Abbinob]

You're right there is no use being angry.
It's just all so sad and i wish i could do something to help DP but i can't, there's nothing i can do about it.
I can tell he is scared t o speak to social services, scared to have contact etc. he hs told me he is worried about contact because he doesn't want SS involvement in DS's life, a bit irrational really, DS is fine and they could tell that but i think the lack of support he got has really made him worried about his abilities as a parent, he was trying and trying and just getting told he wasn't good enough.
He was scared of doing anything with ds when he was born, asked my permission before he did anything at all incase he did it wrong etc. He is a great dad, honestly is, but i can tell he worries that he isn't

[KittensandKnitting]

I think your partner needs to really think about what is in the child's best interest.

That poor little girl, my heart breaks reading this.

What your DP has to remember is that when he had this little girl, he was a child himself. Now he is a grown man and needs to what best for her, via SS. I hope they have a relationship in the future if that is safe and what she wants (no offence meant to your partner)

I just hope that little girl is happy with her foster family it's such an incredibly sad story.

[Abbinob]

I think the problem is she was so young when all this was happening she just didn't understand. She wouldn't have even understood that suddenly this man was her dad and she has to see him.
She is probably old enough to understand better now, but not entirely.

Last we heard she is doing well, still refuses to talk about when she lived with A and has a lot of issues still, of course, but is doing as well as can be expected really and enjoys living with her FC.
DP did ask about contact when he was phoning to find out about the court letter he got, they basically said "that's not our priority with C right now but if she asks about it herself we will contact you"
She still sees A but they want to reduce that

[Abbinob]

I also feel, i'm not sure if guilty is the right word but sad that C might see it as her dad had another family and forgot about her, i know that isn't what happened, but she might think that. She can of course read all the paper work when old enough and that might help to understand better, but it would be hard for it to not seem like that for her until then.
It just doesn't feel right to me that DP and DS have such a great relationship but he doesn't/can't have that with C.

[VimFuego101]

I really feel for your partner. Parental alienation is a horrific thing, and runs deep. It's not a simple case of the child getting older and understanding the truth. SS sound like they have failed this child by not getting her counselling to deal with this specific issue. It sounds like his child has very limited birth family around her, so it seems ridiculous that they aren't helping her to maintain a link to her father (and half-sibling).

[Abbinob]

DP asked them for counselling for her just after court decided she could eventually be in his care- they said they wouldn't do camhs stuff or anything until she was in a stable place. Not sure why but seems a bit backwards to me. I think if she had access to the right counselling she would have ended up living with dp.
It seemed that court wanted her with dp, but ss didn't do much to encourage that.

[LizKeen]

She probably won't have access to the paperwork when she is older. My DH is still trying to get access to his, and can't. He was given two sides of an A4 page summary by a SW. That was it.

It is incredibly sad. It sounds like your DP just doesn't know what to do next. It is good that C has long term FC and hopefully that stability remains.

I agree with other posters that if he wants to, he should now try to establish contact. Not with the end goal of having her living with him, but just to have a relationship with her. Letters first, slowly building it up at her pace.

Don't let SS dismiss him wanting that. It might not be "their" priority, but he is still her father and it is his priority.

Even if all that comes out of it is a few letters/birthday cards etc at least C would know that he didn't forget her. Especially as she grows older and can understand more.

[Abbinob]

DP has it all and she could have it when older if she wants.

[MatrixReloaded]

Liz that's totally wrong. He's entitled to see , or have a copy of his files.
www.careleavers.com/accesstorecords/yourfile

[LizKeen]

Could it be because he was adopted so young? He was in FC before that though.

Also we are in NI. So the law is probably different here. Still in the dark ages.

[RedHelenB]

It is NEVER best for a child to feel a parent has abandoned them. I think your DP should pursue contact. It may be that sometime in the future C could live with him.