I've cocked up and will commit a social etiquette infraction no matter what - party invite

[ConfuzzledandDazed]

Posting here for both traffic and to find out which one of my options is the least unreasonable.

I am totally prepared to be flamed for my idiocy.

All names have been changed but the girls in question are 11.

DD's school is having an inset day on Friday. I work full time and her friend Lucy's mum offered to have DD for me that day. I am very grateful and accepted with thanks and an offer of reciprocation when I can.

Last week DD brought home an invite for Kirsty's party. I gratefully accepted as we had no plans for Saturday. Last night I checked the invite and noticed the party was actually on Friday. That's fine, thinks I, as Kirsty's mum had offered lifts for anyone who needs it (party is out of the way). Thanks to what I can only describe as a total brain fart moment, I texted Kirsty's mum asking if she could give DD a lift (thinking the party was after school and forgetting entirely that they were not at school on Friday). Kirsty's mum replied saying that was fine but knowing where I lived, said that Amy's mum was also offering lifts.

I texted Amy's mum and following a text conversation with her, the penny dropped. She did offer to pick DD up from Lucy's house (which would be about an hour before I would get there to pick her up - think end of afternoon) but we both agreed that would be insensitive to Lucy (who is not invited to the party).

What on earth should I do?!? The way I see it I have two options:

1. text Kirsty's mum and apologise profusely that I am a total idiot and DD can no longer go to the party or
2. contact Lucy's mum and explain that Amy's mum will be picking DD up and hope that Lucy doesn't twig why (although given they're 11 it's unlikely).

Yes I know I am a totally disorganised idiot but I just don't know what to do now.

I really don't get the big deal.

Does that mean if you see one friend in the morning you're not allowed to leave to see another friend in the afternoon in case first friend feels you've just used them to fill in the time?
OPs DD has a playdate (sorry for terrible choice of word), essentially, and then has a party to go to. After the playdate has finished. Just because friend knows the birthday girl shouldn't matter.
It's not being rude, it's just having more than one social commitment.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

Leaving work early was a thought but I've only been at the job two weeks so think it's a bit early to be asking for favours like this especially on a bank holiday weekend.

My instincts were to go with 1 but just wanted to get opinions. I don't know what Lucy and Kirsty's relationship is like at all but DD had known and been friends with Lucy for longer than she has with Kirsty. In addition to that Lucy and her family have had a really shitty year this year for lots of reasons. The more I type, the more I can't believe I even thought 2 was an option.

I don't know Kirsty or her mum very well so will be horribly embarrassed to call and explain but Lucy and her mum have been constants in both mine and DD's lives for the last four years so it would be awful to do option 2.

Right; lots of explaining to do now to a lot of people. Kirsty will, of course, still get her present and card.

Actually after thinking about it if put the brakes on with you expecting or needing folk to facilitate your dd social life.

You were lucky Lucy mum offered to give you free child care.

Now other women are diving around picking your child off to go to another party.

I'd try and get out of work early or if I really couldn't I'd take Lucy to the party myself albeit a bit late. OR is take dd and Lucy out myself when I finish work.

I don't know why but I think it's bordering on piss taking.

With all that extra info it sounds like it's the right thing to do

Ask work if you can leave a bit early and take DD to the party yourself, and make the time up on Thursday if possible. Or can you start/finish early on Friday?

The 1st option sounds like your best bet. I've found out recently that if you find yourself 'double-booked' you should accept the 1st invite and politely decline the 2nd. Hopefully no feelings will be hurt which is what really matters.

I would do option one but make sure I bought Kirsty a nice birthday gift by way of apology and to try and smooth things over.

Sorry x posts with lots of people. Lucy came to ours the weekend before last and the three of us spent the day doing an activity together. Her mum has asked in the past for me to have Lucy when needed and vice versa so we do have that sort of relationship.

But all your comments have definitely helped me realise that 1 is definitely the one to go for.

For those saying about how I expect others to facilitate DD's social life, having been a single parent for 10 years with no family support (whole other thread) and DD's father being a total twat, as much as I try to not rely on others to help for fear of being let down it is totally impossible. We all want our kids to be happy and not be affected by our circumstances.

I was a SP for 15 years, it has no baring on what we feel so our kids are entitled to.

1

Will your dd mind not going to the party?

If she really will want to go then I think it's fine for another mum to collect from Lucy's to take your dd to the party.

Everyone can't be invited to everything so if Lucy isn't invited she isn't invited.

I agree with whoever said its just 2 different social engagements and no big deal. If I had someone's child all day but they had to leave at 3 for a party it would be fine with Mel

I think it's inconsiderate of you to give back word to Kirsty. Your DD accepted the invitation and should attend the birthday event. My DD is 11 and understands that she doesn't get invited to every party and is fine with that.

1

Definitely 1
It was arranged first
It would be very insensitive and rude for the other child , to me it would be like saying cheers for that but I've got something better to do now
Lucy's mum offered as she knew you were stuck
How would you like it if it was you offering and then they were collected by another parent to go to a party ?

It would be fine to go to the party if Lucy's mum were not doing you a favour. But she is, that's why it's a 1.

Isn't Lucy's mum offering to look after OP's DD during the school day, not into the evening?

If it was just another social engagement after the first that would be fine but the daughter would need to be picked up an hour earlier than originally planned and the hosts may have made plans for activities to last the full time, which would be disrupted by guest changing times. That is what would make it rude.

I don't know why but I think it's bordering on piss taking.

It's because you're on MN. In the real world receiving and reciprocating favours happens all the time. It's only here it's seen as some sort of massive social faux pas.

Unless Lucy and Kirsty don't know each other (eg friend from dancing and friend from school), number 1

Or PP suggestion of taking dd and Lucy for a treat after work although totally get that you may well not feel like it after a long week in work.

Rafals
Exactly. How can reciprocal childcare and one instance of asking for a lift for her DD to a party be "bordering on piss-taking"?! That's just normal where I come from, I'd imagine most people in RL are happy to help each other with stuff like this. kimono have a look at the "cheeky requests" thread, you'll see what piss-taking really is! FFS

I think 2 is fine!

Definitely definitely number 1. What an awful situation though.

Option 1

Yes you could talk option 2 over with Lucy's mum. And Lucy herself might not mind or seem to be bothered about not being invited but I think when all is said and done it would be a pretty awful thing to do.
An 11 year old girl who says she doesn't mind (not being invited) doesn't always mean that she really doesn't mind.