to withdraw contact (another MIL thread!)

[tryhard]

This surely has been done to death but I really want objective views on whether what I am considering doing is UR or not. MIL has always been rude and offensive, I've gotten by the 10 years we've been together by biting my tongue. DH has historically defended his DM saying I'm too sensitive and there's no malice, it's just insensitivity/being a bit socially inept, and also saying that if we challenged her on it, she'd simply withdraw. Anyway, recently she's said a couple of things, 1 aimed at my sons and 1 at a member of my family, which I couldn't ignore. I called her out on it and, as DH predicted, she withdrew and sulked. Just as I was calming down and thinking I need to be the grown up here, she says something spiteful about 1 of my sons which really upset me. Now my gut instinct here is to withdraw my contact - so not be around when they FaceTime, not send photos anymore to keep her up to date with how the boys are doing (they don't live near). I know if I do withdraw, DSs will see a lot less of her as they all rely on me to do the organising of family trips there or for them to come to our house, but is this fair on DSs? They don't have any Grandparents on my side and although she does make these nasty comments, otherwise she is lovely to them and ofcourse they adore her because she'stheir Grandma. And yet...she's vicious and I'm sick of passive aggressive criticisms of me and my family, and the most recent comment was said in front of my eldest who is now old enough to be hurt by what is being said...AIBU to withdraw my contact with her and invite DH and MIL to organise seeing the DC between themselves?

I really don't think you need to facilitate a relationship with someone who can be so mean to you and now your child on the excuse that she is their only grandmother. There are some grandparents who are awful.

If her behaviour is constantly hurting you and is driving a wedge between you and DH, the correct thing would be for DH to sort this but if he is so ineffective, you may need to take the matters in your own hands for the sake of your relationship and therefore the wellbeing of your kids.

You don't tell a bully she is hurting you, she will say you are too sensitive and put the blame on you. You need to spell the things to her:

• if you continue offending me with your comments, don't expect anything from me.

I told that to my MIL once, I also told her that she may be as mean as she wanted but I was the one reminding her son to stay in touch with her, buying her gifts and inviting her around, so if she messed me up, I would forget as well.

It worked for a while.