To think that this 'relationship' is not going to go anywhere?

[StableButDeluded]

OK, I just want to know if I'm overthinking this, as I'm old and haven't dated for centuries.

Met a seemingly lovely chap a couple of months ago. Have been out on a few dates, all good. Unfortunately he lives a couple of hours drive away so difficult to get together during weekday evenings. But twice now we have arranged that he was going to come and stay at mine over the weekend, and both times things have happened that have prevented him coming. Nothing inherently wrong with that, just bad luck...but it's the way he has behaved towards me at the time that I'm questioning.

Last weekend, I didn't get told until the Friday afternoon that he couldn't make it. Apparently the boss told everyone last minute they 'had' to work all day on the Saturday. Prior to that, I also hadn't heard from him at all on the Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.
No text or phone call. No reply to the couple of texts I sent him. And when I finally got a reply on the Friday, it was a brief text just saying he had been 'busy with crap at work' all week and that he had to work so couldn't come.
Nothing inherently odd about that obviously, except that up till then he has been texting/phoning every day. His choice, I haven't expected him to, he just started doing it and I went with it. He's also been pretty forthcoming with the compliments, how lovely I am, how he enjoys our time together etc etc, so I guess I feel I have been given the impression that we are possibly entering girlfriend/boyfriend territory.
Anyway, I was disappointed obviously, as I can't see him every weekend due to my child sometimes being at home (he often stays the whole weekend at his dads) and a bit at the idea that he didn't even have time to send one text or make one phone call for three days....but fair enough, life gets in the way sometimes.
Fast forward to last Monday now, all seems back to normal, and we plan the same thing for THIS weekend. Same thing happens, Tuesday and Wednesday, no replies to texts. They were read but not replied to. No phone calls either. So again, it's Thursday now, and I'm wondering what's going on and if he is still coming for the weekend. So I texted and asked outright if he was OK , and if he was still coming. I got the reply 'Stable sorry but I lost a dear friend on Tuesday and I'm not dealing with things very well, I understand if you want to move on, it's not what I want but this is not fair on you xx'
So...Obviously I was shocked, and replied with sympathy, said it was fine, and of course it wasn't an issue that he couldn't come. But I was again a bit that he just went totally silent on me for three days, and couldn't simply pick up the phone and tell me so I knew where I stood. And I thought the comment about moving on was odd, I hadn't said anything to imply I didn't want to see him again.

Anyway, last night I rang to see how he was doing, and because I just thought he might want to talk. Got no reply, so left a normal text message saying basically that.
Got a text later, saying 'Stable sorry, I've lost my friend, I'm dealing with stuff, I don't need this shit'.
Eh??
Now, I took 'this shit' to mean ME and the fact I have texted and offered to talk. I was pretty hurt and surprised at that, and I rang him back to say so.
He answered the phone and said (again) that he'd just lost his dear friend in an accident with a drunk driver, he was trying to 'sort stuff' out and help the wife etc. He then got very upset, said t that I'd taken that comment the wrong way and 'this shit' meant the stuff he was dealing with, NOT me ...and then said 'I can't be thinking about women right now'.

'I can't be thinking about women right now'???
Am I being totally unreasonable in the circumstances to think that's a weird thing to to me? Suddenly, I'm just random 'women'. Not Stable, not even A particular woman. Women in general.
And am I unreasonable to feel hurt and rather offended, and to think that that's a bit of a red flag about where I would stand in the overall picture every time he has a problem IF we were in a proper relationship?

As I say, I'm old (48) and haven't dated for years, maybe I AM being unreasonable. Maybe my standards of behaviour and politeness are too high, but I would never have said to him 'I can't be thinking about men right now' if the situation was reversed. I just don't get that he's all over me one minute and I'm wonderful, amazing etc etc, then the minute he has something that's stressing him, I'm not even worth a text or a phone call.
I'm confused. Sorry for the long post by the way, but didn't want to drip feed later.

Stupid question!!
I'll just ignore him.

All the, 'You're taking things the wrong way again ' stuff rings real alarm bells for me - he's trying a very mild sort of gaslighting on you - and if he succeeds, it'll only escalate... (another cynic here!) Sorry

I wouldn't want to keep myself entangled with him, 'I am sorry once again for the position I am in' that sentence right there raises my hackles. It sounds horribly PA to me, an unspoken accusation re your behaviour.
I wouldn't bother texting back if I was you.
But I'm shit at relationships!

Okay, it sounds very much to me like he was trying to cool it a bit or just take things much slower before his friend died, and now this has happened it has conveniently allowed him to get himself off the hook. That comment about 'I understand if you want to move on' was his way of dropping you without making it look like he was dropping you.

Having said all that, I don't understand why he has got back in touch. Maybe he does want to spent time with you but is a commitment phobe and just likes your company as and when it suits him on a very casual basis and he's baulking at your attempts to move it on into the realms of a 'proper' relationship.

I would suggest that you do nothing now. Wait for him to come to you. Maybe respond to his text with something short and to the point, like 'Fine, well perhaps we'll speak when things are a bit easier your end then.' and then ABSOLUTELY DO NOT contact him again after that, not to see how he is, not for any reason, just let him come to you. If you have heard nothing inside a week assume he is not interested, or at least not interested enough to be worthy of your time, and patience and get back out there.

And if he contacts you several weeks later you are most definitely busy.

He wants to know you want him, it's an ego thing. So he will be all over you in texts one minute then when you've responded to show you are interested he will back off. And repeat, and repeat. I dated men like this in my 20s and have counselled friends in same situation since. It's a universal pattern. Actions speak louder than words, you are right, and he is clearly more interested in his ego than in you. I would send a polite text saying you understand and have decided to move on (as per his suggestion) , but expect him to try to get you back over the next few days. Either ignore these messages or repeat your original message. He won't change and has made his priorities clear (ie not you).

Ultimately, this kind of mind fuckery and these strained conversations are not going to lead to a great relationship. When you find the right person, even if it's a short term or long term 'right' person, it is easy and there will be no doubts.

This should be the fun part, remember. You're not even official and there is already lots of angst. Find somebody worth your time and effort.

I agree with Hello any relationship where one person feels kept at arm's length a bit by the other and constantly feels confused about where they stand, is ultimately not going to go anywhere.

When two people are right together, things move quickly and smoothly and no-one needs or wants to play games.

He doesn't want to be The Bad Guy, hence this "tragedy" in his life to justify dropping you like a sack of potatoes. Plus he might want to get back in touch in the future if he's at a loose end so doesn't want to burn the bridge entirely.

Today's dating game is brutal. I've bowed out of it. I prefer to be alone than invest any more time or energy only to be let down again.

Stable if he was a genuinely good guy he would not have ignored you the few days before he was intending to visit the first time, in fact you would have expected him to be excited and wanting To speak to you about the upcoming weekend.

He thinks he now has you on the back foot so you will take his shitty behaviour. No chance! Block and delete before you go there. You deserve better.

I'm not even going to go there re: death of friend. If he's lying (cynic alert) he really is a nasty piece of work.

So sorry Stable, this all must be very upsetting for you.

I think though, you should forget this man and have nothing more to do with him. If anything a man more suited to you might have wanted your companionship during this difficult time, or at the very east got in touch to explain and tried to make it clear he really did not want to miss out on seeing you later when he had come more to terms with he death. In all truth he was odd before it anyway.

Please exit and block for your own sake.

I am getting serious 'married man with something to hide' vibes from him.

Do people really believe the death of a friend story?

iggle agreed

Oh, lots of things I had never even thought about (naive again)
Mind games, an ego thing, committment-phobic... gosh, when did men become so complicated?
All makes a lot of sense though, so thank you everyone.
I should just point out I wasn't actually trying to move the relationship on, I was quite happy pootling along...it was his idea to stay for the weekend. That was another reason I gave him the benefit of the doubt. After all, why initiate the weekend, and then back out?
Thinking about it though, he did go on a bit about how he 'wouldn't dream' of expecting me to drive to him, the gentlemanly thing to do is to come to me...I just thought he was being considerate, but maybe, as has been suggested, there are good reasons why I wouldn't be welcome at his! Wife/girlfriend-shaped reasons!
I have texted back the non-commital 'ok, I understand' as suggested. It eases my pathetic need to always be polite, even if people are a bit shitty to me. And if I do hear any more from him, I cannot weaken and see him anyway as I have other committments for the next two weekends.
Mardlebum and hello you are right...this is supposed to be the fun bit (if memory serves!) and it was all very natural and easy with ex-H when we first got together.
Its great to have all this good sense talked into me. I'm normally pretty sensible, but I guess it's a long time since I've had compliments paid me, and been made to feel attractive and had decent, interesting and FUN male company! Too easy then to overlook the things you don't want to see.

I'm not sure even I believe the death of the friend thing any more...but what a horrible thing to lie about.
I haven't blocked him though...again, the uber-politeness thing. Plus I'm tempted to see if he does get back in touch if he thinks I've lost interest.
Just to see what happens, not to actually see him again...think my eyes have been well and truly opened by you lot, ha!

Apart from the fact that he is probably married, one thing you should always look out in a new relationship is how he speaks when he is caught off guard: 'I can't be thinking about women right now'.

That is how he thinks; the fact that he manages to edit what comes out of his mouth most of the time is neither here nor there.

"Thinking about it though, he did go on a bit about how he 'wouldn't dream' of expecting me to drive to him, the gentlemanly thing to do is to come to me...I just thought he was being considerate, but maybe, as has been suggested, there are good reasons why I wouldn't be welcome at his!"

Definite red flag there.

He'll be back after the weekend. He'll suspect you've lost interest and resume the text charm offensive. The problem is, texts mean nothing, actions do.

Sorry OP.

Oh God OP just bin him FGS! He's playing you and you're too polite to even call him on it. He's playing the field. Asked to work 'all day Saturday' at the last minute? A likely story. More like his DW was due to be away and then decided against it, or someone else he's been texting was available for a Sat night date and so he took her up on it.

Have some self-respect and don't be so gullible. You barely know him, so why assume that everything he says is the truth? You need a dose of cynicism if you're going to join the dating scene after a long time off the market. Be suspicious and don't be afraid to walk away when something just doesn't feel right.

Death of a friend is undoubtedly fake! Could be worse though....

...my friend met a bloke online who lived in the US. They met up, he came over, she went there. Then he dumped her, saying he was going through bad time mentally, then got back together saying he couldn't live without her. He had money troubles (ex wife and kids), she lent him a bit. She went over to see him again. He told her he had cancer the day she came home. By the following week, the cancer was terminal. He was in a private hospital where she could only text/message him, not talk on phone. Then he was too weak to do that and his uncle had to relay messages. After 3 months, uncle messaged her that bloke had died. She had a memorial service here for him, sent money for his funeral. Heartbroken. A week later she called his mobile number to hear his voice one last time on the answerphone, but he himself answered it! When he heard her voice he put the phone down. Basically he'd faked his own death instead of ending their relationship.

Omfg pinkpanda...that's awful. What a nutcase.

juneau I do have self respect. I'm financially independent, have good friends and family, I don't rely on anyone, I'm happily single and don't feel I need to have a man in my life to be 'complete'. I think a relationship should enhance the life you already have, not be a necessity. But as I said, I'm naive when it comes to relationships, and I agree I'm not cynical enough. I do assume most things people say are the truth, I guess I was brought up to think that most people are basically good and don't lie, until they prove otherwise.
Obviously, he HAS proved otherwise. I won't be seeing him again.

You have done nothing wrong, OP. It is all down to him, but take a moment to think that if he has lied about a friend dying, what else would he be capable of in a relationship? A fair bit worse would be my guess.

Much better to find out now rather than down the line when you have developed deeper feelings for him.

I'm not sure even I believe the death of the friend thing any more
I agree OP it doesn't ring true, who refers to death of a 'dear friend' as 'shit' that they dont need

it was a horrible put down aimed at you followed by the head fuck of claiming that he didnt mean you

bullet dodged and all that :)

He's showing you who is really is....a flake. And you seem lovely. Ditch this no hoper. And I would block because he will Get back in touch.

YANBU to think it isn't going to go anywhere.

I had a boyfriend once that went great guns in the beginning trying to finally win me over. When he did (and I mean him talking engagement and looking for rings) he dropped me. He was playing with me as this guy is playing with you. It's good it's early days though for you.

His constant on and off will drive you nuts. So glad I met my husband before texting was even popular. I think it gives (everyone, not just men) people a way to play games and be deliberately vague.