To wish I was one of those people who just don't give a dam

[Yellowsun11]

I'm not sure if it's perfectionism as I'm
Not super fit or groomed and my house isn't immaculate.but I constantly try to improve the house myself husband . I must be bloody draining to live with . Only thing I don't do it with is the kids as I want them to feel good enough as they are - which I do . I'm a good parent but never look groomed am over weight house bit shabby . Go through same arguemenst with husband . Why can't I just accept it or not care - or get it right

Sorry should which they do

I'm tired of trying to be good enough

The trouble is that whilst you are not nagging at your children to be better, you are bringing them up watching you constantly do it. They will pick it up. And bring in a house with an endlessly dissatisfied parent can't make you expect adulthood/parenthood to be much fun.

What is it that you think will be better if you are slim and groomed with a nice house?
I have some of those things. My sister still died. My son is still autistic. I still struggle with anxiety.

What would being slim and groomed change?

OP, who do you measure yourself against? Do the best you can within your personal circumstances. Don't compare yourself againt other. It's doomed.

I guess I watched my mother do it . I don't think I'm measuring myself against anyone maybe the effortlessly glam mum at daughters dance class --
I guess I think there life will be easy they can just sit back and enjoy it ? I don't think I know why - maybe I just feel deep down I'm not good enough and if I do these things I might be as that what everyone sees as the right thing

Sorry about your sister pag

How do you stop doing it ? Do people think sod it ? Or do you think this is reality il live with it ? I don't know Iv done this so long .

See that's interesting - you think you do it because your mum did it.
You may unwittingly be passing this to another generation.

You really need to find a way to stop just accepting these things you assume about the world.

Having poor self esteem is difficult to deal with but the starting point has to be dropping ridiculous assumptions about other people's lives.
We all present a social face. Assuming that being glam is effortless and a recipe for happiness is nonsense.

I think you have to just like yourself first and then you won't care what other people think about you.

How do u start doing that ? Do you just pretend you believe it then you finally do ?

I know what you mean op. I am constantly trying to make everything perfect. Always thinking when I get this done I'll relax. But I never do. My parents were the same. My dad will always point out the tiniest cobweb that no other person would notice when he comes to see us! My friends used to call my childhood home the "show house". I don't do it intentionally but your parents influence you a lot I guess. I wish I was more laid back but I am what I am! Hard to change it really.

I don't think you need to pretend OP. Just think about what you want, what makes you happy.

I have felt this way for so long. It's only very recently I've realised that nearly everyone I know feels the same. And I'm nearly 40

This is probably not much help but it comes with age. It comes on quite suddenly too. One day (late forties, early fifties) you suddenly realise you don't give a damn. Not about what other people think of you, or your house or your family or your opinions/occupation/lifestyle. You suddenly stop caring. Mostly this is a very good thing. It's a massive release and relief. But sometimes I wish I did care a bit more. Just so the house could be tidier really.

Most people won't notice.
If they do notice will they care?
If they do care is it any of their business?

The above is why I am fat, messy and mostly cheerful.

I agree it's an age thing. I'm 50, for the last few years I've gradually given less and less of a shit. I turn down invitations to things I don't want to do, and dont feel bad about it. I don't have any artificial friendships - just people I want to have in my life - it's very liberating

I recently read a book called (I think) fuck it. It's a great way of just letting go. Think- will the world end if I don't do x? Fuck it! Does it matter if dc hasn't done homework/made bed/had shower? Fuck it! It's such a good feeling to let go.
Some of the book is absolute guff but it's affirming too.,

It's not an age thing for me. I think that you know whether or not you are a decent person and your actions reflect that. If you like the way that you behave; if you are kind and patient, if you have manners and are considerate to others, those are the sorts of things that matter, not whether you iron socks.

If you like the person you are, you won't care what anyone else thinks because you'll know that your conscience is clear and you won't need validation from anyone else.

Foo foo I'm going to get that book

yellowsun you should it's quite enlightening

I've not read the book, but is it called "the life changing magic of not giving a fuck"?