To want the house in my name?

[MrsMcBoatface]

Apologies, in advance, this is a bit of a self indulgent rant and I can't see the wood for the trees right now.

I'm having massive problems with DH, he steamrollers through life doing what he wants and even though I benefit from just drifting and going along with things (I don't worry financially, I go along with his interests and can always find some enjoyment in things) I know the situation is fairly toxic. I've been on the brink of leaving for a long time but I know it would destroy him if I left and I haven't had the guts to do it. And perhaps I'm a bit co-dependent, I've had counselling but still feel unable to get any clarity on what to do for the best.

We sold our family home a few months ago because DH said he hated living there (a big city) and that it was making him depressed. I probably would have preferred to keep it but couldn't financially on my own. The DCs have both left home and are doing fine, we have money in the bank from the sale. Perfect time for me to leave and I fantasise about this constantly. We're now living in a very small house in the area he loves, revolves around his hobby. It's a nice area and despite my initial reservations I've grown to like it.

DH is keen to spend the house money and has been keenly house hunting, I'm drifting along as usual, sort of testing out the ideas. A few weeks ago he found something he really liked but I hated, I found something I liked but he hated. So a stalemate, we clearly didn't like the same thing. But last week I got curious about a place DH had mentioned , went to see it, and totally loved it. Kicking myself for this. I told him I'd liked it, he went to see it and made an offer on the spot, in front of the agent without discussing it with me. Afterwards I told him we should have discussed it and taken it more slowly but he says there was a lot of interest in it and he said he was going to buy it 'for me'. Like he was doing me a favour...I realised with a jolt that yes, I'd like to live there, but not really with him.

So after a day of internally agonising, whether to pull out, what to do, I came up with what I thought was a good compromise: buy it in my name, and put our small 'holiday house' where we now live and own in joint names, into his name. Properties are similar value and I'm sure I could sort out the legals. Well, he went a bit ballistic when I suggested this, perhaps quite rightly? I assured him that it was simply because he always steamrollers over all my ideas and if he said the place was going to be 'mine' (he was referring to me choosing the curtains, etc, as he usually has strong opinions on such things and I couldn't do anything in the previous house without getting his approval...or if I went ahead and did something such as putting up an IKEA shelf in the kitchen I then had to take it down because he didn't like it...eventually I just gave up doing anything) I wanted to feel like it was really mine and to start off on the right foot. Of course it would be 'ours' but in our current place he's made all the decisions, it is very much his place and always has been, I didn't mind as it was his hobby and we weren't living there full time until recently.

I also told him that all property in a marriage was jointly owned anyway so I wasn't trying to cheat him financially...I told him that if we divorced now I would have enough money to buy it in my own right anyway (true). And that he shouldn't be shocked that I was feeling that way or that I'd done all the research on divorce finances given that he should have known how unhappy I've been because I've been telling him, he chooses not to listen.

So...AIBU to stick to my guns about wanting to buy it on my terms? Or should we just buy it in the normal way and I give up dreams of leaving him...or, just exit this toxic situation altogether? I don't want to mess around with the sellers or estate agents but I feel I'm absolutely broken right now. It's all in my hands, if I revert to 'behaving myself' mode, things will go on as ever, I think that is what's depressing me. Plus I've been massively overeating for the past 3 days and resulting weight gain is making everything worse, I feel I've never been so low.

'Split by stealth', exactly that. Be clearer, be bolder. "I want to buy the house alone. Without you. We are splitting up."

A house 'in your name' but shared with him would still be a shared asset and you'd lose it on divorce. Maybe it won't even be this house - divorces take time, after all - but the words are all out there now. The ball's in motion.

He won't 'jump off a cliff'.

"He really has no clue why I feel unhappy, as I should feel grateful for all that we do have. I'm not ungrateful! But he says I'm not trying hard enough to love him, that I need to make an effort, he feels unloved and if I don't try harder he will walk off a cliff"

Listen to me, sometimes we are so used to work around spouses/partners' needs that we forget a very important thing: The relationship should be a good thing for BOTH of you, it is not your job to make him happy.

And most importantly, and very often overlook: You DON'T need his approval to leave him, you are free to go when you are ready.

It is not like in the movies, that phrase "I won't give you a divorce" doesn't work in this country, nobody is forced by court to stay in a marriage one of the parties no longer wants.

he should have known how unhappy I've been because I've been telling him, he chooses not to listen.

Don't bother with counselling as a couple, just split. You want to leave, so go ahead. If he won't listen to you, then he won't listen to a counsellor, he'll just hear what he wants to hear, and as he sounds controlling he will probably twist it all round to make it your fault anyway.

Spilt, and then buy a house just for you.

OP, set yourself up a new account in your name only and transfer over half of the proceeds from the sale of the house in the joint account. Don't tell him you have done this.

At least then if you split you will have immediate access to money. You need to protect yourself and it is already obvious that he intends to make things difficult.

Is not that simple kidnapped, when it comes to such amount of money. It can be seen badly by courts to do that. Everything has to be agreed and signed to avoid being accused of stealing and using assets belonging to the marriage. A few thousand pounds will be seen as money used to meet living expenses, half of the money that is enough to buy a house... That is very very dangerous territory.

If you want to do something like that OP talk to a solicitor first.

I'm not suggesting transferring ALL of the money over. Or hiding any of it.

Just her half. Which is hers. She could then transfer his half over to his own account. And then each person has access to their own money.

And to do it now before they split.

If nobody had access to their own money while divorces are being sorted out (which can take years) then how on earth do people manage? How do they pay bills?

Half of a big amount is what I am talking about.

How do they survive? Unfortunately, it will depend very much in good will and agreements that can be done in the interim, but good will would be severely damaged if she takes her half without telling him. Therefore making things more difficult for all involved.

Your real question is, do you want to split up?

That's a hard question to face up to. Because, from what you've written here, the answer is yes. So then the real question is, do I want to live alone?

Are you frightened of the prospect OP? It's very normal to be. But the other option of staying together means accepting that you stay in your present state of unhappiness.

Either way it's not the right time to be making big financial decisions like buying another house.

Are you getting a joint mortgage? Because if so you couldn't put the house in your name only.

I think you would be better not being it, telling him that you are divorcing him and then at some point you can buy a house of your own choosing.

Thank you all so much for your input I don't have anyone to talk to about this specifically as 'friends' see us as a couple, I'm having these conversations over and over in my head. DH has been excitedly telling people about our new intended purchase, I've tried to appear non-committal and say it's early days but he's steamrollering ahead again. I SHOULD be angry because:

1. he's using the fact that I liked this house to seal his dream to live in the this area when I've always said I want to live in a larger city. It's really difficult for me to find work around this area. Not impossible but really limited opportunity.
2. he made the offer without discussing it with me, would be forgivable if we had a better relationship as I did come across as keen but I have a sinking feeling that he's delighted that he can always throw it back at me and blame me if I ever say I'm not happy in the future, he'll say 'but I bought you the house you wanted...' with a sad manipulative baffled look on his face. Then he'll say 'you're never happy, it's just how you are. Just accept it'. ...and there are many more reasons, I'm sure, but just on the basis of him progressing a sale I haven't agreed to would be enough to justify my anger?

kidnapped thanks, I have discussed this with my solicitor when we sold the house (and I thought I might start divorce proceedings, didn't happen) as I suggested moving more than half into my own name, solicitor said half would be ok but any more could lead to accusations and potential freezing of my account while investigations took place, he recommended leaving it in the joint account. For the moment the money is safe, I'm the only one who can access it.

So, I need to very quickly grow a backbone and tell him I'm not going along with this purchase. Ive just texted him. He'll be furious, I think. Even though it's a lovely place the thought of living there with him makes me cringe, I'm actually feeling sorry for him.

I keep feeling I need to give him another chance, if he could see what it felt like to be on the receiving end of his behaviour he'd understand and mend his selfish ways. But even over the weekend he was implying that I was the one with 'problems', not him. Thanks to MN, counselling (which he has no interest in, I've not told him I had counselling), and heaps of websites about emotional/financial abuse, I can see him more clearly than he sees himself and hopefully get out of this toxic situation.

Regarding the exit by stealth, yes it was intended to be exactly that...and if he'd agreed straightaway we would probably be bumbling along in that direction, as it stands I am now questioning everything. Again!

You are the one with the problem - the problem is your DH. He reminds me a bit of my XDH - incapable of seeing or considering anyone else's point of view, honestly baffled that I wasn't 'grateful' for all the things he'd done for me/provided for me, incredulous that I wanted anything other than expensive watches/beach holidays/sex the way he wanted it/his choice of decor in my study/the 'family' car to be 'mine' etc etc.

If it helps, my XDH did the whole faux suicide/I can't live without you thing but 6 weeks later he was internet dating and he's about to get remarried.

Now would be an excellent time for you to dance off into the sunset. Go for it. Yes it will be temporarily painful and messy, but in the long run it will be so worthwhile.

You know very clearly what you want to do, now you've just got to pluck up the courage to see it through. Imagine yourself 20 years down the line, still stuck with him because you haven't been brave enough to do it.

Mrs you know what you need to do. But to do it you will need to detach - put your own needs first and don't think about what he wants at all. And if you have posted about this before, go back and read.

What happened after you texted him?