Changed my name and family not happy about it

[ChangedMyName90]

I've nc for this because it would probably out me.

I legally changed my name by deed poll 6 years ago, when I was 19. It was a very difficult to pronounce and spell unusual Welsh name. It's also a painful reminder of my very unhappy childhood years which were filled with anxiety, feelings of shame and humiliation due to severe social anxiety and undiagnosed autism. My name was just another thing that made me feel different and feel like an outsider.

My father is very black and white about things, possibly on the spectrum himself and has been very unsupportive about my name change. I just sent him a picture of my degree certificate - which I worked really hard for (it has may legal changed name on it). He told me that it was basically forgery because I'm X and always have been and always will be X. I've explained to him how it makes me feel but he said it's disrespectful and a slap in the face because he chose that name.

My mother and stepdad are also very black and white about things, and also refuse to call me by my current name. None of my family call me by my new name. The only people that call me my preferred name are doctors etc.

I don't have anybody else due to many years of MH issues and it all just makes me feel powerless. When my mum introduces me to one of her friends, she introduces me by my old name and I wince when I hear it, all of those feelings of humiliation and shame come flooding back and i'm just reminded that I'll always be known and remembered as X, the socially awkward child/teen/young adult.

I honestly don't know what to do. Family have been begging me to change it back but I don't want to. I like it and I feel proud of my new (ish!) name.

Congratulations on your degree.

I changed my name by deed poll but my family were supportive and so everyone calls me by my chosen name. My Mum was very defensive on my behalf to anyone who called me by my birth name.

I cannot imagine how you must be feeling with your parents not backing your choice. I assume your Mum changed her own maiden name upon marriage and as you mention your step father she may well have changed her name more than once, so I cannot understand why she isn't more sympathetic.

I would just keep correcting them and sticking with the exact same sentence each time. If they say you are X I would state would you like to see my passport? Because it definitely says Y.

You can move away from this controlling behaviour from your family, you have already undertaken the degree. You can move on from your childhood and away from your parents who clearly do not have your best interests at heart.

So - I for one am not convinced that surrounding yourself with people who have anxiety and depression OR affirm that you have anxiety and depression is not going to make you any less depressed or anxious, IMHO surrounding yourself with healthy positive people is the way to go. Joining a mediation group - hhmm a Buddhist mediation group might be worth looking into.

Can you join a cycling group? a running club? a yoga class? a book club?

What treatments have you had for agoraphobia?

And please check out the stately homes thread!

My eldest has changed her names. I'm not thrilled about it as the new is pretentious IMHO and it is hurtful that she couldn't use one of her 3 Christian names... plus she made a song and dance about me keeping the same surname as her when I remarried and now she's the one who's changed hers!

She doesn't expect us to call us by it, but all her new friends do (we moved areas) - it gets difficult/weird when people talk about her I don't always realise who they mean.

If she gets her degree I won't be bothered that it's in her new legal name, not an issue at all. I think your parents are very cruel to discredit your achievements over that.

Your reasons for changing you name are your own. When your DM introduces you by your original unusual name just say 'Mum calls me that, everyone else calls me X. Pleased to meet you' .
I say this as a parent whose child has just changed their name, alongside coming out as agender. In spite of all my best efforts to respect the gender neutral pronouns and all that comes with it, the one thing I cannot cope with is their new name. It is an irrational thing, I admit, but....my baby's name was chosen with such care, it honours a member of exH's family who was dear to us both, my child grew into that name and in my head they are now synonymous. Logically it is just a name and in our case keeping the old name would be completely at odds with the new agender self...and yet. You chose your new name to escape that part of your life, which is a good enough reason to change it, but bear in mind your parents chose your original name with so much thought it means something to them in and of itself.
..and I should add (in my own defence) that the name my agender teen has chosen is truly awful, which may be affecting my view.

Furiosa I think so... sorry I'm not very good at remembering names

Trill You are spot on. My father is very narcissistic and has a lot of deep seated issues. He believes that he and I are perfect and better than everyone else. Yet he had a moment of rage recently and told me I was useless. He sounds awful but he has also been a tremendous support and encouragement with my MH issues. It's a double edged sword because he can make me feel so loved and supported, and on ocassion will say/do the most hurtful things. My feelings for all of my family are very conflicted. It's safe to say I'm a part of a very unhealthy and fucked up family dynamic.

Oh, OP, I feel so awful for you Without meaning to sound cheesy or patronising, I think it really speaks to your inner strength that despite growing up with such unsupportive arses you're working your butt off to make a better life for yourself and overcome your anxiety and depression by seeking out support groups and fulfilling hobbies. I really hope things start to look up for you.

Fuck your family, you're doing great

I think you've posted before ?

Well done on your degree. Might it be possible to try not to worry about this too much. If your parent call you your old name I can see that it's irritating but can you just try and ignore it. I can't see how you are going to change them as they are too set in their ways and are a bit unpleasant. It might be better for you to continue to correct them but to not get too angry about it.

You need to be thinking of things long term and to me that means working out how you are going to get healthy and get some more independence.

Once you've moved on to work, you will be known as your new name there. Hopefully, you will be able to build a new life away from family. Agree with correcting each time your mum introduces you to someone new with something like "Mum calls me X but most people know me as Y now."

I'm sorry.

You can change your name but you can never change who you are, and who you are to your family.

Personally, I suspect your name change is a slap in the face to them and their identity. They gave you your name with thought, love and a little bit of themselves.

You've rejected that, in changing your name. So I suspect you've hurt them in the process of doing so.

For this reason, I do think asking your parents to call you a different name is always going to be a source of conflict where one of you is going to hurt and not be comfortable and happy with the outcome.

A name is a powerful thing, which you know, because you were trying to empower yourself when you changed it.

But I don't think that comes without a price. And for that reason, I think you also need to accept that you can be your new name the rest of the time but when you are with them, you might have to realise that its something very personal to them and be more sensitive about it rather than just demanding they use your new name. I don't necessarily think it about control at all.

You said that your old name was a Welsh name. Is there a welsh link in your family? Is so, changing it to something non welsh could be viewed as a rejection of your roots / wider family heritage too which could hurt.

You are perfectly within your rights to change your name (and keep it changed) but I do think you have to also realise this may hurt others too.

I be disappointed if my kids disliked the names I gave them so much that they changed them I suppose it would feel like a slap in the face.

But at the end of they day, they are the ones who have to live with them.

I remember disliking my name for a time & thinking how bloody ridiculous it wa that this thing you had for life you didn't even get to choose for yourself.

Your parents sound horribly unsupportive.

A forgery FFS! What a drama llama!

ChangedMyName90 i'm the one with the sister Cerys!

For what it's worth I think your birth name was fine. Absolutely fine.

However you didn't like it. You said you really didn't like it and so you reclaimed a part of your identity!

YANBU!

If you feel your family's support is important to your well-being then I'd suggest you work with a MH specialist to help you build a 'wall' around their comments. And I'd avoid bringing up anything with your name attached to it (I know, very unfair!) until you feel strong enough to deal with them in a firm manner. It's your choice to either answer to your former name or to ignore them until they call you by the correct name, once you feel strong enough to do that.

As far as your mother introducing you, I'd probably just say breezily, "Oh, Mum's forgotten. I now go by XXXX" and shake hands. Then immediately bring in another subject to continue the conversation "Lovely weather isn't it" or "I understand you know Mum from church" before your mum can say anything more.

You're probably never going to get complete peace with them over this. You can't control them. But you can come to a place of peace within yourself about the way they act.

Redtooth You make a good point about the Welsh roots/heritage. My Dad and his side of the family speak Welsh, but myself and my mother don't.

Furiosa Ah I think I remember now! Cerys is a much easier to pronounce Welsh name, why couldn't they have called me that?!

Thank you for all your comments, it's just confirmed that I need to make some changes and more independence and distance myself gradually.