Who is BU? Me or my Mum?

[WishYouWereMine]

I've just stormed off upset to my room like a petulant child. I'm upset but don't know if I am unreasonable to be upset.

I work 9 hour shifts in a city a 1 hour commute away. My other half works 12 he night shifts half the week. We have a DD in private nursery.
On days when my partner is working, my mum picks up DD, brings her home to my house (which I'm renting from my mum, she has a room here), her partner comes over and we all have dinner here together. Mum cooks as by the time I get home, it's too late for DD to eat.
Yesterday we had a visitor here when I got home from work absolutely exhausted. When visitor left at around half 7, mum started cooking. After dinner, I put DD to bed, and went to bed myself around half hour later. Dishes were left overnight.
I left for work at 6:45 this morning, no time to do dishes. Mum did them in her lunch hour.
I came home tonight, mum has gone through the cupboards looking for something to cook and is complaining that we don't have anything here to cook. No potatoes, foil or jars.
My partner had stopped buying food for these nights as it was going to waste. We'd end up having Chinese or something instead and throwing the food out.
Mum moaning at me that there's no bread. I said that she knew there was no bread here last night, if it was an issue, she could have told me and I would have picked some up on the way home (we don't eat it). This has irritated me - a simple text and I would have got some. There's no need to be in such a mood.
As I sit down to eat my dinner. Mum asks if I'm sulking. I tell her I'm peed off because of the bread issue - what am I supposed to do about it now? What is the sense in moaning? Mum rears up and says she's not complaining about that, she's complaining about everything - no food here for her to cook. She had to do the dishes in her lunch hour. She runs around after my child dropping her off and picking her up.
I feel attacked. Having typed all of this up now I can see where she is coming from but: it's my house and I would rather she didn't use her lunch hour to wash up. I would have done it at some point when I had free time. Her cleaning up makes me feel like an utter failure and as if she's judging my housekeeping.
I would dearly love to pick DD up from nursery every day but I'm not home in time. I feel deeply guilty about this and am upset that mum feels it is a chore.
If mum was willing to communicate/tell me/discuss meals for these evenings then of course I would buy the bloody food to have here. I've given up trying to discuss it with her as she never gives a straight answer. When there is food here she gets takeaway instead.
I'm BU aren't I? :( I should be more grateful.

You and your Partner don't take sandwiches so you have no need for bread- what about your child? Sandwiches, toast, bread for soup?

Don't think it's so unusual Cinderella? Cereal for breakfast. She has her other meals in nursery :/

It sounds like a lot of work and pressure for your Mum to be honest OP.

You have to remember she's done her child rearing,she's been the parent.My parents never provided care for any of my 5DC they got to do all the fun grandparent bits which is the way I think it should be if it can.

You talk about you and your partner not eating bread but what about your DD?I don't know how old she is but if she's to young right now to have bread there will be a time you'll need to remember to get some in for breakfasts and lunches and swapping home cooked meals for take aways a few nights a week won't be good for your LO OP,they're full of salt.

Is there anyway you can change your shifts so that your Mum doesn't have to do so much?If not things like washing up after she's cooked,picking up bits that are needed at home and not getting cross with her or if you do making sure you say sorry should all help.

You don't sound like a bad Mum or a bad Daughter you sound like someone who's really tired and trying to do they're best,just like your Mum,your both busy and you both have to juggled alot of different things all at once so try to give each other a break now and again.

I think you just need to have the basics in - sliced loaf in freezer (or pittas), milk, butter, cheese in fridge etc. You can freeze bacon and butter and have beans in the cupboard. Your poor mum just got tired and hungry.

We have all of those things in coco. Plenty of milk, butter, plenty of things in the freezer. She was dishing up the food when she mentioned the bread. It's not like Old mother hubbard's cupboard here. We have bought food in previously but it hasn't been cooked.
It's a communication issue - my partner cooked food for DD before he went to work last week. It was thrown away because mum had bought something else for her tea.
We have thrown so much food away that was for meals when mum is here that we've just stopped.
Tonight there was chicken breast that DP had been taken out of the freezer for dinner. There was food here!

Why are you chicking out so much food? If its not needed one day, why not use it the day after, or any time that week. You sound very wasteful.

You also sound pretty lucky, your ma picks up your kid, feeds her, minds her, cooks for you, does the dishes, and you're giving out about bread? You should have just gone for a loaf and said nothing.

Does she rent to you cheaply, so subsidising you financially as well as everything else?

Having typed all of this up now I can see where she is coming from I think you know you are being reasonable, but you are very tired. Say sorry to your mum, tell her you don't know what you'd do without her (living in her house, having someone to pick up your DD, cooking your dinner, clearing up) - you are lucky to have her (I never had any family around to help out when my DCs were small) just let her know how much you appreciate her so she doesn't feel she's being taken for granted.

It doesn't sound like your set up works for anyone. Your Mum seems to resent feeling she "has" to clean up and run round after you (including cooking your dinner when you get home from work), you are still living in her house, even if you are paying her rent.

Longer term, how is you and your DP's work schedules going to work once your DD starts school? Will you expect your Mum to do more, picking up from school and then doing DD's evening meals and reading/homework?

Perhaps this has just made you face it a bit sooner. How do you see this working long term, because as I see it, if your mum turns round and says she doesn't want to help you out anymore, then one of you will have to change jobs.

Penguin - we shop once per week due to conflicting shift patterns - dp and I go days without seeing each other. We are constantly juggling childcare, extra curricular stuff for dd and work.
Things go out of date and get thrown away.
If something doesn't get eaten on a Thursday, there's no one here to eat it on a Friday or Saturday and its out of date by Sunday.
I think we've established I'm not the best at juggling my household.

Op I really feel for you. Working FT and having a small child is tough and overwhelming. Sometimes you feel you aren't doing anything well- being a good parent, employee, daughter.

Don't make this more Than it needs to be. It's a blip. Have a chat with your mum. Ask her if anything needs to change. But overall you sound like a close supportive family and I'm sure this is just a small row from built up tension that will be all forgotten about soon.

Good luck and get a good nights sleep

This doesn't sound like it's working for anyone.

Is there an end in sight to this or was it planned this way to be long term?

It will all change when DD starts school
In September. MIL will be picking DD up after school 3 days per week and looking after her. Haven't ironed out the specifics yet.

Sounds like a visible meal plan list for you all to see, plus a group shopping list would prevent a lot of waste and enable healthier eating.

You all sound worn down. It is hard slog.

I think I would try not to escalate this one. I disagree that it means things aren't working. On a basic level, yeah just make sure you have bread in the freezer (plus tins of baked beans, eggs, peanut butter - so your mum can make a no effort meal or snack? I am often too lazy to cook rice!!) beyond that maybe just apologise for your part in the argument, tell her you appreciate her hard work, emphasise that you do not expect or want her to cover housework like washing dishes for you, and ask her how she feels the set up is working and if she things there should be any changes etc. make sure you have the convo on the weekend when everyone is well fed and rested. but there's no point going in with the attitude that this isn't working as it maybe that just a few very small changes can get things back on track. Sounds like you're juggling a lot and pretty much making a go of it, so good for you!

Sounds a little bit like my set up when DD was smaller .... I worked full-time, was a sole parent and relied on my DM to pick up my DD if the train was late or became stuck in a tunnel for an indeterminate amount of time. DM would say that it was a pleasure to look after DD, having missed the first six years of her life as I was overseas .... but when it came down to it, she would throw things back at me about how much she did ...... I would offer her money, which I would willingly have paid, she would refuse and say what a pleasure it was ..... and on and on. It became much easier when DD started secondary school - and then DM bemoaned the fact that she didn't see DD as much and didn't feel needed.

I don't think that you are BU - you have a lot on your plate - but I don't think that your DM is BU either. Could she have a list (white board, piece of paper) to note down items she's run out of such that you can replenish without it becoming an issue? I don't like washing up lying around so I would have done it too, if I were your DM. Sounds as if you need some ground rules ..... do you pay your DM for her childminding?

its a communication issue

This sounds right op. And understandable when you're all tired and busy. Can you make time for a cup of tea with you and your mum, say sorry for flouncing and explain how tired you are, then you can both say what you find difficult and ways you can both make it easier for everyone? Basically, what canyou said