AIBU to feel 'frightened' of my father even though I'm mid thirties?

[BizarreBazar]

Didn't know what else to call this thread.

I've recently done something that my father and lesser extent mother will strongly disapprove of.

Background is that parents are deeply religious, a Christian minority church with v v strict rules with control every aspect their lives.

Growing up I had:
No friends outside the group
No tv or radio
No hobbies or interests allowed
No groups such as guides, brownies etc
No homework on Sunday
No makeup jewellery
Not allowed to wear trousers

Suffice to say it was awful.

I left the group years and years ago and have married since and have two lovely children.

I do my own thing now but the mind control is always there and the fear of meeting people from the group is always there.

Anyway I did a very 'rebellious' thing recently as I got both ears pierced twice. I've always wanted a piercing so I just went and had it done.

I know this sounds ridiculous and very difficult for 'normal' people to understand, but when my father sees it he is going to go completely nuts.

Even me now at my age, I'm terrified of him. He will shout and rant and be so aggressive over me doing this.

Can anyone help me to out this in perspective? I know it's silly to be afraid of him but I am.

Haven't seen him since I did it but will over the next few months.

I'm embarrassed to write this actually.

I've name changed for this.

It's not silly to be afraid of him - this is behaviour you learned as a child and that's very hard to shake off.

I get that him shouting will upset you and you may not think clearly at the time which is why it's s good idea to work out a strategy beforehand. Have a plan. Even if it's just ignoring him!
Assertiveness training might help you with that also - one of the best thigns I learned on assertiveness course was to say, politley, I am not prepared to continue with this conversation if you are going to be so aggressive. This works in person or on the phone. But at least if you are on the phone you can end the call :)
Good luck OP, you can survive this!

Congratulations on new piercings!

And you aren't being ridiculous at all. Fear is a reasonable and proportionate response to a man who emotionally and psychologically abused you as a child - and continues to do so now.

As others have said, is it possible to have a relationship with your mother without your father there? If not, could you ensure that your DH is with you every time you see them & that you simply get up & leave if your father behaves abusively? No discussion - simply 'you cannot talk to me like that' and leave. Or, how would you feel simply not visiting them but having letter contact with your mother instead?

YANBU.
Controlling behaviours, emotional and mental abuse is just as damaging to our self confidence as physical abuse.
You are not harming anyone else. You have done a very brave thing. Its your life and you are entitled to live it as you choose.

The problem is you are worried about his reaction because deep down you still care for/love your parents.
MIL was vile to me for a long time, but as I didn't care so wasn't hurt by it it didn't affect me. DH in time became indifferent to her as well, so stopped being hurt by her behaviour.
You want to tell your parents something that you are proud of? (have I got that right) You know deep down that the whole meeting will be dominated by your piercings even if you were telling them that you had been made a saint!!
Why put yourself through this, they won't be proud, they will just be "disappointed" about your piercings.
Confronting or standing up to your dad will not make any difference, why put yourself through this he/they wont alter and you are just hurting yourself if you think they will change.
Drop them a note, tell them you wanted to tell them xxxx, but are reluctant to meet up because most meetings are confrontational and as as you have just had your ears pierced you didn't think it was worth the grief, hope they are both well........
They are never going to wholly approve of you and the way you live now, try, for your own sake, to let go of it, life is too short to go after lost causes

You're doing very well. Being controlled so utterly is a hard pattern to break, especially with the bond you have with a parent.

Do keep your space/ distance and decisions for you and so your children see the strength in you and that you're prepared to support them in their choices.

buy yourself some great earrings for those piercings. Enjoy doing things for you.