Advice on coping with an obsessive mum and daughter?

[Franimal]

This has been going on for 9 months now. Apologies for long post. I am at my wits end and just looking for advice from anyone who's been through similar...

My daughter is 4 in Reception. She met a girl at preschool who is in her year but much older and bigger who has "latched on" to my DD. For this thread let's call her "other girl" OG.

At first I tried to dismiss my concerns thinking things will play out at school. Before Christmas, OG hit DD for playing with another girl. I informed the class teacher. Then things seemed better for a while but at the same time I had OG's mum following us around as if she were our shadow and watching us, encouraging this clingy behaviour. I pushed back politely as best I could. And trying to avoid too much contact, no more playdates after school and keeping conversation with mum to a bare polite minimum.

It has gotten worse recently. DD told me two weeks ago, OG is mean to her, calls her names and has hit her on two more occasions. DD also began using taunting language at home which she learnt from this child. OG also excludes DD's other friends from playing with them as other mums have approached me. DD tells me OG always sits next to her in school and she can't get away. DD has told lunch time supervisors she was hit but told to play with another child.

I have been into the school to have a meeting with the teacher who has not witnessed any of this behaviour but monitoring it for two weeks. At the same time, OG's mother approached me in the playground to ask why I declined a playdate with OG. I was caught offguard and although wanted to avoid a public confrontation I told her OG is being mean to my DD, hitting her and to keep away from us.

DD has been playing with other children. I thought things were getting better. Last week DD didn't want to cross the road towards OG and told me OG invited her over for a playdate which DD declined, I thought we were turning a corner and DD sticking up for herself and making right choices. But this week DD tells me OG is having a summer party with a bouncy castle and wants her to go. DD now wants to go but I do not want DD spending anytime whatsover with OG outside of school. It feels OG's stalker mum is desperate for our friendship is now resorting to bribing us with parties and I am being made out to be the unfair one by saying no.

Also OG's mum last week started to befriend my best school friend mum whom she'd never ever made the time of day for before... latching on to my other friends.

Help... I want to keep calm and polite but I don't know what to do? Do I need to be brutally honest to get her to leave us alone? I am meeting with the class teacher again this Friday to review things. I have requested they are put in different classes next year...

FWIW I don't think you are unreasonable. I have had a similar situation with DS1. The mum of one of his schoolmates got him in her sights as a friend (as he didn't have any, probably for good reason). Then it was all systems goes, playdates, meeting up, very difficult to say no. I had seldom come across anyone that pushy Trouble was they were not good together, on 2 occasions the boy hurt DS1, on another he accused DS1 of hurting him, , mum was all fired up with anger and demanding a meeting at the school, DS1 managed to prove he hadn't done it. Shortly afterwards they moved to Australia with the Dad's work but I had resolved to tell her upfront I did not want our kids mixing socially anymore . At the end of the day you have to prioritise protecting your kid, if someone else's nose is out of joint so be it.

You sound very over invested in this.

Can you clarify how this woman is stalking you?

"You told the other girls mum "to keep away from us" ?! And these girls are 4/5?

I think your over reacting in all honesty"

Yes. And please don't use the word "obsessive" in this context - what's the "obsession"? A 5 year old wanting to play with a 4 year old? A mum wondering wtf is going on and - shock horror - inviting your dd to a party?
Is this serious?

I knew the op would get posts telling her she was being childish but we have a mum like this Atlantic school and I got to the stage I had to ask her to stay away. Her children are like the one in the op.
It is horrible having to actively ignore someone it makes me feel like a mean girl but I have tried to keep it to civil arms length polite but with some people you just can't and I've known this woman for nearly 11 years. Polite hello leads to her walking home to behind you even though I live further away than her house. Hoping to be invited in. Inviting her other dc along to birthday parties her other dc friends are having by saying she can help out but will have to bring the others. The list is long of things she will do if you walk passed her and catch her eye. And I'm not exaggeraring that is all it takes. It's horrible and hard work. It does sound mean as an adult ignoring someone else but it isn't always sometimes it's to preserve your own sanity.

My DD2 has a friend who cries if she doesn't get her own way, meaning my DD now tiptoes round her all the time.

Oh yes my DD has one of these friends, useds crocodile tears to manipulate DD to do what she wants like not playing with other people. DD used to comply as she thought she would be in trouble for making the OG cry. One day she came home and sobbed for hours with the pressure of it all. I explained her it was ok to say no to her clingy crying friend and that she was being manipulated. I told her I would back her up 100% if the friend got her in trouble. It was like a huge burden had been lifted.

She is still friends with the OG who is still a manipulator but DD is better at standing up to her. I don't actively encourage play dates but don't avoid them or parties either. I'm keeping a close eye on the situation and hopefully they will naturally go their separate ways.

Hi - I have experienced similar behaviour with the friend of one of my DC. The best way to handle is to confidentially request separate classes for next school year (as you already have) and to withdraw politely from playdates due to unspecified prior social engagements. Remain polite at all times but keep your distance. Unfortunately some children are so used to getting their own way that they simply cannot understand when their friends will not accommodate it and then can become manipulative. This in turn leaves your child feeling powerless and anxious. OG will only learn acceptable social playground norms if DD and her other friends only play with her on their own terms, not OG's dictated ones. Our OG eventually learnt that she couldn't have everything her own way around Year 5, once our DD had learnt to stand up for herself, but there was some bumpy ground to negotiate along the route. We are still friendly with our OG's parents as things never came to a head.

FarAway I got my DD a couple of really good books that were recommended on another thread - Bullies, Big Mouths and So Called Friends, and A Smart Girl's Guide.... both seem to very good a explaining different types of beahviuor and starategies for dealing with it. Or I tell her to do what my DD1 used to do - tell said 'friend' that you are going to the toilet and just don't go back!

Thanks for the recommendations sunlover I will have a look at those books for DD.

Also love the toilet strategy

Op, get it sorted through the school and not direct with the mum, it always ends badly. Encourage other friendships and give your DD coping mechanisms, i.e; walking away if she is in a situation she is not comfortable with/reporting hitting and unkind behaviour to her teacher.

Not sure it's a good idea to let her to go to the summer party after you have told them to keep away. It's not nice to use OG just for the summer party. She either needs to be her friend or not.

With regard to the mum, again, just be polite but very distant.

As others have said you really need to sort yourself out as you have many years of friendship problems and believe me they are a minefield.

OP if your gut is saying stay away from OG and her mum then please do! MN is full of "what are you teaching your dc" posters, but you're teaching your dd to not put up with this shit.

You've done exactly what l would have done and no way would l let my dd go to OG party. They are 4 ffs! If a dm can't protect her dd from what sounds like a not-very-nice friendship at this age when is it ok? When her bf is treating her like shit and being obsessive and dd is putting up with it?

theyre 4 ffs. Just let her choose her own friends and stop micromanaging.

But the OG isn't allowing the OP's dd to choose her own friendships. I see this kind of behaviour quite often. I always speak to the clingy child and tell them that the other child is allowed to play with who they want and try to direct them towards games with groups of friends rather than singling out another victim child.

The OG is hitting OP dd, should she just ignore that?

Thanks chariotsofire, littlegreendragon and daddad at least there are some people who get it and is reassuring. Ok so I didn't have time to post everything that has happened. Including texts, mum hanging around us, we have had playdates in the past; in fact coming to our house and not leaving for hours (most playdates last 2 hours she stayed for 7 hours so I have not invited since). In fact their childminder told me they had behaved in a similar manner to other friends and fell at with them as a result. There's so much more than what's written here...
And when you read bullying websites avoidance is actually one of the advised strategies fyi. My last post on the matter.

Not sure it's a good idea to let her to go to the summer party after you have told them to keep away. It's not nice to use OG just for the summer party. She either needs to be her friend or not.

I think this is the main point here and I'm surprised at all the comments which have ignored it. I'm sure there is a lot more to this as you say and it does sound like it stems from insecurity on the part of the other mum and her daughter. I think though that you need to speak to your daughter about why she is not going to the party. It sounds like she is being lured by the bouncy castle and idea of a party when usually she would want nothing to do with the girl. It's fine for her not to want anything to do with her and it's fine for you to keep her away but I do think you should have a serious chat with your daughter about not using people if she doesn't like them or want to be friends (obviously phrased differently as appropriate to her age). You shouldn't allow her to go to the party on this basis alone.